THIN LINE: Friendship and beyond

I've always treasured the essence of friendship.

But through the years passed, I've had my share of ups and downs, friends have come and gone, and there I was, finding myself, wondering what I did wrong.

I always see myself as emotionally attached. Probably, over-bearing when it comes to treating the people I care for. I get the sentimentality that it's always a one-sided relationship, I care, they don't. End of discussion.

And through the passing times, I learnt to put up this wall that I dare not let anyone really penetrate in.

Yes, on the outside, I seemed to be approachable, outgoing, hyper, but actually, all those people I interacted with, I never really "opened up" to them. It's like a mirage of different faces, walking past by me. When before  I was keen on pleasing everybody just to keep those friends around, I decided to turn the tables and cared less. The over-all process resulted to loneliness and regret. Those college friends were part of my life, yet, I was never one to really connect with them. It's all superficial smiles and cheerful chitchats, but I know deep down, there was never a solid foundation.

True enough, I never had a group of friends I can really call on to after I graduated. No regular text or invitation to dine out or just simply bond. Maybe it's a lazy aspect on my part not to take an effort, or maybe a fear in me that stopped me from trying again.

But, God has been so good to me, giving me another opportunity to find my confidence and open my heart once again. Through Med school, I've gained new friends, but because of certain circumstances, I didn't manage to really have that tight connection. Tension arose and friendships were tested.

Yet, God, lovingly guided me into the fold of my real family, the youth in the district. I have been testing the worldly waters for so long, I fail to realize the genuine people who have surrounded me from the start. Through these special people, slowly the walls have crumbled down and I let them in. Through them, I managed to climb back up again and reach out to people I interact with in Medicine school. 

And now, there's this one special person who I treasure very much.

Because of that, I decided to build a wall again... not the same wall I've built for the past years.

It's a wall to detach myself from "falling for him"...

There's always a thin line between friendship and beyond. Yet, when you look at it closely and weigh what is more important, you'd rather let go of one to treasure the other one. You can never hold onto both, because one mistake, you might lose one of them.

I am afraid to lose him, yes.

Just like how I am afraid to lose those special friends who have become major pieces of the puzzle that complete who I am.

Despite my over-bearing, insecure and emotionally attached self, they never left and cared more.

With that, my life is more beautiful as it was before.

More challenging, I may say, because tests and challenges are always part of growing up and nurturing a genuine friendship.

Yet, I am truly grateful God has given me this chance to know them, to be friends with them, to love them.

And no matter how crazy my world is, how tempting to walk past that thin line...

the mere fact that they matter so much more to me leave me to thinking..

Is it worth the risk of losing them just to satisfy my personal desires?

I have to say NO, because friendship for me, at this very special moment, matters more than my bottled feelings of love.

It can wait.

As God has patiently woven me to have the kind of life and friendship I'm enjoying right now.

LOVE can wait...

Fear Factor

People tend to think that being brave is the state of not being fearful.

But actually it is the other way around.

It is the state of actually acknowledging your fear, but instead of walking away from it, around it, or not doing anything at all... you FACE your fear and strive to overcome it.

That is bravery.

That is the real essence of courage.

In life, when you don't work to battle out the things that scare you, you will never be able to climb over the walls of challenges that we encounter each day. You'll remain stagnant, unproductive... and more likely a failure. No one's perfectly successful with a load of failures in his resume. Failures are part of life. They're basically there... but they don't exist just to make our living crazy than a rollercoaster ride. They exist to TEST us, to MOLD us to become better, to TEACH us things we seem to not understand... they exist to PREPARE us for more challenges up ahead in the course of our life.

At this point in my life, in my 24 years of existence, I can say I've been to many difficulties. Yes, it may not be as hellish as other people who've been to the deepest pit of disappointments, but I have my fair share of troubles and downfalls. Ever since life began for me, I have been an insecure girl. I always hide behind my parents' back, afraid to face the people and be friends with them. I tend to shy away from opportunities, from activities that could gain me friends. I was coined as "mataray", "suplada"... you get what I mean.

I had this thick shell around me, built a wall between me and the people, just because I was too afraid to trust them and let them into my life.

Where did my insecurity lies?

You maybe have read my previous blogs related to this issue... so you'll probably have an idea already.

Yes, I was born with an inborn hand.

Not your regular right hand, so growing up, people looked at me bit differently.

I was not pretty, as far as I can say.

I emerged during puberty as an ugly duckling... face decorated with eyebags and pimples.

I was chubby, short...

In short, I don't see myself as appealing to others... that it provoked me to hide my hand, feel lowly about myself.

I was consumed with fear that no person will accept me for who I am except my family.

Yes, I gained friends but still I am somewhat doubtful.

But looking back at those years I wallowed in the pit of insecurity, I felt sorry about myself, but at the same time, grateful.

Through that, I was able to see myself and reflect.

Slowly but surely, I learnt to shed off the shell, to bring down the wall and open up myself wholeheartedly to people. I gained my confidence and became president of our district youth council. My natural "malambing" nature came through and it gained me friends. Real friends who accepted me for who I am, beyond my insecurities and weirdness.

And through them, I slowly find myself and realized who I am and what I can offer... what I can do if I just let go of my insecurities.

Who would have thought that after all these years, two person will actually see me as 19 years old?

I've never could imagined I would hear such compliments from 2 guys who I just met...

It's not that I am bragging about it, I'm honestly flattered at the same time surprised.

It is such a difference when positive energy overflows from you.. when you let optimism rule over your insecurity. I am more comfortable with myself.. even there are still times I hide my hand and feel like I'm no way pretty like my friends.

But once in a while, I look at my own reflection in the mirror and understand my worth.

I am a child of God, His daughter... why would I think lowly of myself?

He has created me in His own image, why would I tamper it and think negative of His creation?

I am blessed that I am who I am today.

I am so grateful that He has helped me find my inner confidence and channel it through ways that I can also inspire.

Who would have thought that once upon a time, you will never see me standing alone in a crowd, mingling and smiling, as if I've already known them for so long?

But now... it's like my inclination for personal interaction comes out naturally.. that close friends have seen me as more mature and more approachable.

'Tis such an awesome experience to see how much growth I've accomplished and how many friends I've gained who have become attached to me.

Life is never easy.

And being brave is not easy as well.

Yet it takes an effort to try...takes one decision to surrender all to Him and let Him guide you through and overcome your fears.

Before I am an insecure girl... 

but now..

I am a secure young woman, bursting forth with happiness and good vibes, assured that I should not fear life when God is walking by my side.~

CHECK THE FUTURE.

DESTINY

Fate or destiny, whatever you call it, most people believe on that. That mere idea of meeting someone, as if the said incidence is planned by the Higher powers, it's a purpose driven by power of fate, as they say. It's like  thread connects two persons, and whatever happens, they will meet one day. Every scene in one's life leads to another, as if a certain hidden purpose works its way to make things happen as it is planned. As if you're destined to make this happen, as if it's your destiny to meet this special someone in your life.

[Just one funny event... rare but it just fall in th right places.. as if fated. I'm playing Tiny Towers in my Itouch... and the game has this special Facebook like part wherein the mini pixel characters living in my tower can post their statuses (of course pre-programmed already in the game). But imagine my shock, when I decided to open a can of Cheez Curls, even asking my mom for permission, something unexpected happened. At that time, I was even saying that I'll probably finish everything off because I like it. After that I checked my game again to re-stock the products of each floor, when I decided to check the Bitbook (FB-like app in the game). I read this latest status of one character, expressing his fondness for Cheez Curls. I actually re-read the status if I'm reading it right, while looking at the can of Cheez Curls in front of me. Funny though, I have been playing game for so long, it's the first time that status appeared. Most of the statuses shown kept on repeating themselves... but this one, it just happened right there and then that I'm also eating Cheez Curls. Wow!]

But, it's rather sad if people just let the destiny do its work and not work for it anymore. I believe that, it's not just fate or destiny that puts us to where we are, it's our own desire and perseverance, toiling our way to achieve whatever we want to achieve. It's not just waiting for the apple to fall from its branch, or waiting for the sun to rise or set, without doing anything worthwhile.

DREAMS

I love it when I dream of good dreams, but freak out so much when it's either scary or mind-boggling. I remember two memorable scary dreams I had, that I had to be awakened by my Dad forcefully because I was crying so hard. Also, there was this one time, just this month where I literally screamed out loud... that Dad rushed to my bedroom and woke me up. I thought the dream was so real, but the reason why I was shouting was out of frustration, the mood that I was in, in that dream. But lately, my dreams seemed to be real and seemed to hold a special meaning... although I just can't figure them out. Are they just brought out by my hidden desire or wild imagination... or they hold a "futuristic message"... something that tells me about the future. If I try to remember well, there were moments in the scene that may have already happened to me.. not probably as similar as I saw it in my dream.. but something analogical. There was this one dream where I saw my "crush"... and I actually caught him looking at me. Days or weeks after that, there was this event that he was one of the players, and I was just one of the bystanders. I actually avoided looking at his direction.. but when I accidentally did.. he was looking at my direction.. not sure if really looking at me. I often wondered why it happened.. but it did. Just this morning, I had two dreams, but sadly they're not as vivid as I want to..as much as I've wanted to have written it fast on my journal upon waking up, I just wasn't able to. The first dream revolved about a stranger who seemed to be interested in me... and not only that, it's just not one guy.. it's probably a group I think who seemed to like me positively.. which in real life, is NOT happening. In the second dream, the people were familiar faces... and one guy who I know, joked around being my boyfriend when I teased about buying a boyfriend... instead of a new phone. Funny.. because that guy...I just recently liked him because of his good dancing skills.

Dunno what my future holds.. or if my dreams have some kind of "premonition" approach... I don't have any clue. But honestly, I often wonder if they do.

IMAGINATION

I have a wide imagination, I always say. Friends often get amused at my random monologues that would eventually spring up a story.. with my own made-up scenes and events. Probably, one reason why I love to write stories because it's an outlet for all these sort of thoughts brewing in my head. And one thing interesting for me.. is that most of these products of my imaginations get to be part of something officially being shown in televesion, or other media instruments. Like when I was imagining myself as a trainee in Korea who gets popular.. I wrote something about debuting a cameo role in a Korean drama entitled City Hunter, little did I know, days after that, I learned from the latest Korean showbiz news about a new drama entitled City Hunter, starring Lee Minho and Park Minyoung. And I was like... "Whoa". It's just one of those occurrences that I've encountered in my life. Apart from that, when I watch drama, may it be Filipino or foreign movies, I always tend to make up my own conclusions to what might happen... trying to put two and two together. I never did expect when I find out, the actual events in the drama are near close to what I just assumed. Awesome! That's why, I have this habit of being able to deduce the story events even though I miss out certain episodes, I still get the flow... even if you made me watch the episodes in the middle. I think, I'm just weird like that? Haha... but I'm enjoying it.

Everything I've said reminded me when I was doing this "premonition act" with my highschool classmates. I'd just touch their hand and whatever comes first in my mind, I try to make a feel of it.. and share whatever I see. It's actually a joke in the beginning with my best friend... but then she told me what I just created as "premonition scene" for her actually happened. So the word spread fast... and all my other classmates wanted their palms to be read.. when actually, I'm not reading anything. It's as if my mind's working on images that comes at once whenever I touch them. And funny but scary, most of what I told them happens. I actually stopped it... I was too scared to believe it, plus I believe more in God... and I don't have real power to even make premonitions. But it's just weird that whatever I think of most of the time.... it actually happens.. whenever I check the news... or surf the net.. there's something happening quite related with what just went through my mind. Oh well.

So many thoughts, but I have to sleep. Just want to let these out.. .Whew!

AYE, AYE CAPTAIN!

Being a leader is not an easy task. I'm sure I am not the only one who thinks that. Assuming such position requires a lot of perseverance, patience and commitment to do your part, as well as lead the pack. Like an Alpha, for the case of wolves, the others look up at you and listen to what you have to say. There's no room for doubts and uncertainty, you have to emanate such confidence that will make them put their trust in you. It's definitely hard, that's why, I always get this fear of taking such responsibility.

Yes, I have to say, I had experiences of being a leader, but all through those experiences, I have to say, most of the time, I fail in being a good one. I always lack something along the way, apart from failing to accomplish certain tasks, which just eventually made me more unsure of my capabilities. As much as I want to do my very best, there's always a niche for error, in my case.

Why am I ranting something about this? It's because I've just been elected the president for our district's youth federation, if you can call it that way. If you compare my participation before, I'm more active now compared to way back in my younger years. It's more like when I stepped onto college that I found my confidence in being part of the youth organization, to help with activities and bond with the youth. And now, I'm more of post-grad student, I tend to mingle more and have always been teased to be so hyper and talkative.

I can already feel the pressure. Yes, I have been there when two of my closes friends in the district were presidents. I have been part of their years leading the group, participating in activities, extending my help. But now, I'm definitely sure it's different. I'm not just behind the scenes anymore, I'm actually the one leading already - the one with the highest burden of making the last final decision, the carrying the torch with every advocate the group intends to start with. As much as I want to hide and step away from the limelight, there's no turning back. I don't know if they vote-slash-elected me out of confident that I can do it... or scared of being voted in the first place.. but I don't want to ruin their good image of me. I want to prove my worthiness of being casted in this position in the first place.

I still have my worries, I still have my fears, but I want to be brave enough to carry on God's will. If He intends me this, ever since, then I will faithfully follow. I'm tired of being too insecure and scared of my own troubles, I want to change for the better. I'm sure God believes in me, as much as these youth believe in me. I want to believe in myself and in my capabilities. I want to shed off my negative thoughts and focus on the upbringing of the best of each and every youth in the district. And also, to be closer to them as I hope to be.

I may lack in some ways, may it be physical or emotional-wise, but I won't learn to grow if I don't experience first-hand, right? So, God bless me and the youth federation as we head for another year. May we serve as good servants of the Lord, reaching to others and molding ourselves, as well, to be good and God-fearing Christians.

Good luck to me and the new council!

LET'S SET FORTH TO A NEW ADVENTURE!

MR. GENTLEMAN and MS. SENSITIVE

Amidst life of an irregular medical student, I still realize time is never to be wasted upon doing nothing. If better, I should be engaged in doing something, may it be inclined in academics (which is much, much better) or other stuff, like recreational or random interests at one point in time. But the real deal is, I always find myself either busy or wanting time to lengthen for a bit, just to give enough chance to finish something, like reading a chapter in Guyton. In such a hurry, one might think I don't notice everything else around me. Actually, it's the opposite. That very moment of being on a jeepney ride or an elevator, escalator or a van, gives me the chance to think, to ponder over random things on my head... or look at the passing scenery along the road, or at few times, glance at a cute little kid sitting beside her mommy. It becomes a relief, something that allows me to leave the toxic world for a while and just relax my mind. I try to be more positive in life, despite being a repeater, in the first place, to try plastering a real smile on my face, something that will get me by and beyond the rambling insecurities and gloominess of my depressed heart.

Yes. I am a sensitive person. Despite being talkative and too cheerful whenever I'm with close friends, I tend to be unapproachable when I'm walking alone, on the street or just across the medical building's hallway. I always overthink. What if it's not good to smile at him, when we haven't really been introduced properly? What if she thinks I'm assuming too much on the level of our friendship? Am I too possessive that she likes to be away from me during the day? Things like that go over my head and seriously, these thoughts will literally choke me for the rest of the day that I eventually end up being moody. That's how sensitive I can be. I tend to feel suddenly left alone... and I'll assume the worst from it. Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I don't belong... why I'm just like a passing drifter, never sticking to one group, never really belonging to a tight clique.

But between my inner shell of sensitivity and clashing worlds of medical school and reality, there lies that zone... where I still find something to make me think more. As if being a medical student is not nerve-wracking enough to use my brain, like in laboratory conferences, for an instance. Just yesterday, I left the dorm for my afternoon class, and unfortunately the weather was not really nice. It was raining hard, plus the wind was definitely strong, that it can rip my umbrella apart if I'm not careful enough. So, I stood at the streetside and waited for a jeepney that will take me to the university. To make the introduction short, I saw the jeepney and took the ride. Making my way towards the jeepney was already a fail. I forgot to open my umbrella so I got shock when I walked from the shed and across the street. And just when I wanted to open the umbrella, the wind forced it close, so I got too focused on opening it again. A horn blared and I realized I'm standing still in the middle of the street and a jeepney is already towards me. Trying to save myself, I slipped in the middle of that small distance between the two jeepneys just to get inside one of them. To make matters worse, just when I think I'm already safe, while inside the jeepney, I tried to look for a vacant seat, but the driver suddenly geared the jeepney forward, so I unfortunately succumbed to inertia. You know the feeling of being helpless and your weight just got sucked in downwards (thanks gravity!). Good heavens, someone supported me and it was a guy wearing all black. I was literally shocked and so embarrassed. Finally I got my seat which was across this guy who was my "lifesaver"... I don't know if I was able to really say thank you properly, though. That's when I realize, a gentleman is in front of me. And oh boy, a gentleman still exists. I felt like the luckiest girl in the planet, or just make it in that jeepney for discovering someone like him. I felt like in this world, in this recent time, only few gentleman exist. And I'm just very grateful, he was there when I had an unfortunate incident. So glad.

Thank you, Mr. Gentleman-in-Black, you literally saved a damsel in distress. Cheers!

MOVIE REVIEW AND A DOSE OF SELF-INSECURITIES

So, this movie is like released a year ago and I just WATCHED it today. Yeah. But anyways, this movie is beyond hilarious and heartwarming, at the same time. It sparked something in me, something I honestly connected with the character's personal stories.

MOVIE REVIEW:

I love the concept of the story itself. It's not fictional, it actually happens in reality. Whether we deny it, it happens. Such scenes are in fact, may have happened once in our life - being bullied, difficulty in letting go of the shadows of the past, messing up, trying to give others a second chance... and the thing that I'm most guilty of .. being insecure.

The movie has the right tone, the perfect actresses and actors to play each character with such finesse and humor, the light drama but at the same, direct to the point. I enjoyed every second of watching it. There's a fine line of lesson to learn from, something people tend to forget, tend to take for granted.

Mistakes help us learn. What's done in the past is IN the past. If we can't let go from it, it will just haunt us forever. But most of the times, those shadows of the past actually strengthened us to do our best, to step up to the challenge and be better. Life is not perfect. People are not flawless, we're just "humans". Yet, to forgive and forget is the special key for a lifelong success and happiness.

PERSONAL VIEW:

As the movie ended, I didn't quite yet absorb the essence of the story. Well, I did understand its role in the characters' lives, but in mine, I didn't think much over it... just yet. But due to unforeseen circumstance that left me crying helplessly inside my room, everything suddenly connected and made sense. So much sense.

Back in high school, I was one of the "honor students". You know those type of students praised for their academic excellence, thought to have a very good future ahead of them. I lived in the pedestal of my hard work and my eagerness to pass every examination... to make my parents proud. You might think I'm THAT popular, but no. If I were, I could've a boyfriend or a clique of friends who will last until this very moment.

I wasn't the bullied geek, but more or less the girl that people enjoyed "hanging" out with. To joke around, to tease lightly, to plainly have fun with. And nothing more. I'm never the one guys think of as "serious" except when it comes to studying. I can remember the term used by one of my high school classmates... "I'm the stuff toy". How can I be complimented with that? I laugh out all my insecurities and worries, but inside, I felt jealous of those other people who people always look for, always want to invite to gatherings.

Being not pretty and handicapped didn't make it better for the coming days, as I entered college and even now, in medicine. I always felt like what I do is never enough.

How could I not? Imagine, me trying to do my best, be good in something, but still be less appreciated. To see other people garner much interest and fame makes me feel sickeningly jealous. Yes, I am so insecure of myself.

Every time I look at the mirror, I felt pathetic.

Every time I see myself in the middle of a crowd, I felt so left out.

I'm still in this place where I can't even feel so accomplished. I felt like all my efforts are not good enough, still not good enough.... still not good enough.

I'm so afraid to meet people from my past. Will they be so disappointed in me? I've seen those looks in people before, those looks that made me feel I'm so ugly, I'm so incomplete, I'm so pathetic.

That it makes me so scared to even try... to even feel like I'm pretty.

I also want to have a happy ending one day, a happy ending with someone who loves me, with people who accept and appreciate me... people who will never leave me hanging.

I've been like this for the past years of my life. I want to let go but still can't. I want to be happy but I'm never been a hundred percent happy. I just want to live my life to the fullest but still, I am damn afraid.

NOTES:

I recommend that you watch YOU AGAIN if you haven't watch it yet. It's fun, light, with the right touch of drama and action (yeah, you'll get it when you see it).

And I also recommend that you don't be like me. It's hard to let go of past insecurities and even shadows of past mistakes. Learn to let go soon and live life to the fullest.

Hanbok, Renal Physiology and Eyebags

There's so much going on in my life lately. Okay, scratch that... there's none. I'm just the same old lazy me who wasted the weekend sleeping instead of studying. And right now, I'm harvesting the fruits of my labor, I mean laziness and is studying past midnight. How inspiring is that. Well anyways, I decided to cool off my mind and put something worthwhile in my blog. Hmm, where to start?

HANBOK

Korea is celebrating its Chuseok holidays. I've become aware of it since I'm into K-pop and has been sighting the latest articles of Korean celebrities sending out their Chuseok greetings to the fans garbed in colorful hanbok wear. Ever since I've come across Korea (well, including Korean drama and music), I've always wanted to experience wearing hanbok. I don't know if that will happen anytime in the future, but nevertheless, I want to.

According to few articles I've read, Chuseok holiday is an autumn harvest festival that is Korean equivalent to Thanksgiving (which is famous in USA). If in America, it's turkey that is the main feast in Thanksgiving, one traditional food item prepared in Chuseok celebration is songpyeon, which is a half-moon rice cake.

If anyone reading here is Korean, then I want to greet you a heartwarming "Chuseok holiday greetings" to you and your family.

RENAL PHYSIOLOGY

As I've mentioned, I am studying, well supposed to be studying (but instead is "blogging"). I'm trying to understand Renal Physiology which is a topic that I honestly, don't like that much. Weird. Just an added information, I'm retaking Physiology, so that means, I'm supposedly read the chapters on this topic, but sadly, I didn't finish them too last year. That's why I am practically cramming. Yeah, you heard it right. It's as if I didn't learn anything from my mistakes.

Many would say, understanding how your urine is formed, how it is excreted and blah.. blah blah.. is easy, think again. It's not an easy feat to remember all the intricate details about your renal tubules where our urine is being diluted or concentrated depending on the situation. Let's just say, I'm not really good in understanding in one reading... and that is really a sad case for me. Oh well, I'd try to finish this chapter so I can move on to the next.

EYEBAGS

Well, I'm your girl with the panda eyes, I mean the notorious evident eyebags. There's no point hiding them, you'll clearly see them. I am always envious of those people who pull all-nighters whether it's for party or work and don't look as much stressed as I am with my pair of glorious dark circles.

Sleep is one thing. It's the key to either gain or lose those ugly set of eyebags, but for me, it ain't a luxury. And I just realize, these eyebags are making me uglier than I ever was and there's no point in feeling pretty when I'm not physically.

If you have the same problems as me, then we need to work on this issue. I've heard about natural treatment like placing thin slices of cucumber around the eye area. Or cold compress that can help relax and even out the tension in the eyes. I'd probably do that later, I hope I don't forget.

...

Life ain't fun without the fuzz and the buzz going on around. But for me, I'd go back to studying for now.

Cheers.

of first year in med

It was fun and toxic at the same time.
FUN, because I get to spend time with cozy people and the section I got to be included in are all nice people.
I mean, they're approachable despite that most of them are really "geniuses in their own rights", they are still "approachable".
TOXIC, because it's not as light as undergraduate studies...you are responsible of whatever's discussed and NOT discussed.
No more distinct spoon-feeding, well, aside from few of the professors, but mainly, you have to be always prepared for the worst.
Thankfully, I have good background of the subjects I am taking now, from my BS Biology days, esp. from my Major subjects.
Well, honestly, I can go with the flow but I am not THAT fast to explain stuff, unlike my other classmates (mostly guys).
Yung tipong pagtanong mo, kaya nilang mabigyan kaagad ng sagot.
It makes me feel inferior or somewhat stupid, in a sense.
But I still strive to know what they know, to know more than what they know, or to know more together with them.
I'm not up fo a competition, I'm in the medschool to learn and to be a good doctor for the sake of my future patients.

I don't want to be pressured just because I should not "taint" my family's name.
I will study well for my future, for my chosen career and for the big dreams I only dreamt childishly before.

black robe and toga

...

Finally, I am an official graduate of UPLB Class of Batch 2010.
I am so happy.
I am so blessed.
And right now, I'm off to just relax for a while before I embark on another phase of my life --studying in medschool.
Good luck to me and to my fellow graduates.

Wee!

stupid mistakes

I am now on my way to doom.

My future's getting bleaker every second.

If I will ever be given a chance to overcome this,
I will be forever grateful.

My life is already lying on a thin piece of thread.

...

Help me God.

dreaming to be with MY family

I saw this again, after going through the last chapter of Moe Kare, one of the mangas I've read in the past. This made me teary-eyed when I first finished reading the manga. The feeling I had was kinda queasy, like I wanted to have the same scene in my life in the future. Not exactly, but to meet that person you really love and to have a family with him was one of my girlish dreams, I suppose. I want to experience LOVE, where just looking at the eyes of my husband, I know the words he wanted to say..

But, o well, it will be too many years from now for that to happen, I hope.
And one bright morning, I will face the day with a big smile as I looked back at my sleeping husband and future baby (hope babies=TWINS!) ^_^


[credit picture to www.mangafox.com ~ thanks!]

explored, experienced, survived

It was beyond what I expected.
Far more than what I've prepared for mentally and physically.




On top of Mt. Daguldol, we faced off against the storm (Typhoon Santi). Our only protection was our respective tents and the power of prayer and support for each other. The howling wind flapping against the tent brought upon shivering coldness against our already damp skin. We decided to disperse to different available tents when our tent was nearing its collapse. I waited for dawn under the shelter of someone's tent, shaking, wet, our feet waded in a pool of water already entering the premises. The wind continued its journey in our camp site and all we did was pray and stay together on top of the mountain.

Saturday early dawn, everyone started packing up to travel down the trail we trod on the previous day. The trail wasn't easy since the rain caused the path to be muddy, slippery and dangerous. I had numerous falls, accidental slips, but I continued. We all continued, helping each other, trying to lift each other's spirits. Despite what happened, we could still hear laughter from each other, still positive.

On the foot of the mountain, we decided to stay on the beach for the night. Sunday, when we were on our way to travel back home, the bus broke down. So we had to wait for it to be fixed, for about 5 hours at most. But what I heard from my fellow companions were not murmurs of irritation, but words of encouragement, that ended up to doing fun stuff together to outwit the boredom creeping in.

My weekend was fun, amidst the stormy challenges we encountered.
Although there was a prepared "survival game" program by the Area officers, what we experienced in Batangas deserved to be fitted to a "reality" show. We faced off not only our own limitations, but the element of nature and circumstances.

Truly, through God nothing is impossible.
And you can always find shelter in Him in the time of storm.


So I, along with my fellow hikers, EXPLORED, EXPERIENCED and SURVIVED.

^_^

when forever's not enough

I just heard a while ago about my great-grandmother recently celebrating her birthday.Her age is 92.She is the mother of my late grandmother. Yes, Lola left this world earlier than her.

When I heard of this, I can't help but be amazed. Our relatives reported, according to my mother who was relaying the story to us, my grandmother is still strong and dreams of becoming rich. What a woman! Many will surely be envious of her, reaching that age where few have arrived. For the recent years, many have been dying at early age which saddened a lot of loved ones.

At this world, there are so many factors that can influence one's death or longevity. You cannot control your life, how long you may live or when you will exhale your last breath. But one thing is for sure, what you take in your body, what you do to your body will bear the consequences in the future. If you're careful, you might get to live that long. Yet many will say, there are still people who live a healthy life but still die early. Why, they may say? As I said, we cannot control our lives, only a Higher Being know where we're going in the years to come, what will happen to us, will we live until our 50's or maybe reach the age of 100? Despite that, it's no use getting fussy over the fact that we will reach death at the end of the crossroad. Everything has its end, no one or nothing is forever in this world. Changes always come. A race that starts will have its finish line in the end.

But I believe, no matter how everything will end for me, I will live my life to the fullest. So whenever I'm at my end, when I look back at those years, I know, I am happy and I have nothing to regret. And maybe, even if I don't reach my 90 years of life, someone will still remember me on the day I was born and the day I left the world to rest.


P.S.
It's not that I am giving the creeps, I am not really comfortable talking about death or everything. I just want myself to accept it step by step. That's why I blogged about it.

Prayers to all victims of Ondoy

The typhoon Ondoy has caused a massive impact to the Philippines, especially in Metro Manila and regions of Marikina, Quezon and Rizal. In just a matter of time, people, animals, appliances and vehicles were all washed away by the raging rainstorm.


(www.timesonline.co.uk)


(news.xinhuanet.com)


(www8.gmanews.tv)

There were so many casualties, so many people who needed assistance, not only financially, but through supplies of food, water and clothing. On that fateful day that Ondoy poured its way into our lives, many were left in despair, anguish and pain. There were sacrifices made, like the story of Mr. Magallanes (May his spirit rest in peace.) who had saved more than 30 people during the rampaging storm and water current.

See this link for more details:http://www.theage.com.au/world/philippine-man-loses-own-life-after-saving-dozens-from-floods-20090928-g8o4.html">

Gratitude is what I'm feeling right now that my family is safe, we haven't experienced that much, but my heart reaches our for those who weren't that fortunate. Human is never that strong enough to withstand the power of nature, amidst studying science, calamities for how long history can tell. This helps us to be more wary, more prepared and conscious of our actions towards Mother Nature. We can never predict accurately when or how storms, landslides or tsunami will hit our country. All we have to battle them with is good preparation.

But right now, let's all work together. Through different means, let us extend whatever help we can give, may it be through walk-in donations, pledges or prayers. These victims need them. Let us give them the reason not to give up on living.

As the song goes, "The Lord's our Rock, in Him we hide, a shelter in the time of storm ..". Keep on trustin' and believing. Everything happens for a reason.


(http://carnageandculture.blogspot.com)

*For more inquires, you can visit the following sites:

http://www.google.com/landing/typhoon-ondoy.html
http://www.redcross.org.ph/Site/PNRC/wtd.aspx


(I apologize if the picture is shown incomplete)

Into Deep

A bit informative results from an interesting quiz. Why don't you try it out too?

--
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Salute Graduates!

It's the March-April season once again, and that means Graduation fever has swept over the nation. It would have swept me off my feet too if I am one of the graduates to march in the UPLB Freedom Park. But sadly, I am not YET graduating for the year. Well, hopefully next year you'll hear the GOOD NEWS from me. Right now, I'll just be focusing on taking up the remaining 15 units left in my course. And by October, I'm done. Yes, I really hope that I'll be done by that time.

My friends, high school batchmates and fellow Biology students back in UPLB are on their way to wearing their toga this late April and accept their diplomas. I am so happy for them. I'm regretting a bit that I haven't performed well and isn't graduating on time, but I'm just thinking there's a purpose. And people do mistakes, that's how they learn and grow. My dreams never falter, even if I am not graduating on time. I'll still be pursuing Medicine and years from now, I will be a successful doctor, no matter what.

So that means, student still for the next 5-6 years. Yeah, I know, some say it is tiring, but I don't care. I am passionate to be a doctor. That's why I'm composing myself to do better. Not to repeat the same mistake again. Then, one day, I'll graduate ON TIME and a doctor-to-be. That will be the BEST-est NEWS ever.

I know my parents will be soooo glad. And so am I.

But for now, CONGRATULATIONS to the GRADUATES of year 2009! God bless. . . =)

pag-ibig nga kaya??? (ano daw?!?!!?!)

This is actually an original blog entry from my Multiply Account. :)

(and in fairness, first ko atang entry dito na halos puro Tagalog, hehe)
--

(naisip ko ito habang tinatahak ng bus na sinasakyan ko ang kahabaan ng SLEX Hi-way)

--
Bakit mahirap umasa?

Dahil ba alam mong walang mararating ang pag-asam mo sa isang bagay?

O sadyang tanggap mo na hindi kailanman mapagbibigyan ang tangi mong hiling?

Hindi naman sa pagiging negatibo.

Pero, diba, pag alam mo namang hindi mapupunta sa'yo, bakit mo pa ipagpipilitan?

Kung alam mong hindi siya talaga para sa'yo, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ang sarili mo?

DI pa ba sapat ang iparamdam sa'yo na di ka kailangan?

Hindi masama mangarap, kung alam mong may patutunguhan ang pangarap mo.

Masakit ang umasa kung sa una palang, talo ka na.

Mas masakit kung nasa rurok ka na ng munti mong mga panaginip, para lang masilayan mo ang pagtulak sa'yo pabalik sa realidad.

Totoo naman kasi. If it's not meant for you, then it will never be.

Kaya ako, ayoko umasa. Ni isipin man lang na may pagkakataon, di ko magawa.

Alam ko namang walang kahahantungan ang gagawin ko.

Kung ano man ang gagawin ko, sa'kin na yun..

'The heart is indeed fragile. Once broken, it takes time to put back the pieces, but it can never be whole again.'

--
Di ako brokenhearted. Di ako heartbroken. Kung anumang tama sa dalawa.
Naisip ko lang bigla. Di kasi ako makatulog sa biyahe, masyadong malakas ang ihip ng hangin.

help me breathe!

Doctor: You are diagnosed with URTI.

I watched her as she wrote it in the medical certificate - upper respiratory tract infection. The same ailment I was diagnosed with the last time I came to be checked up. So what is really URTI? Is this a chronic disease that needs to be cured instantly or a common sickness prevailing among immunodeficient individuals?

The respiratory tract is the most common site for infection by pathogens. What are pathogens? Pathogens are famously known as germs that can cause disease or illness to the host. Although the human body's respiratory system houses normal flora organisms which are beneficial, there are still potential pathogens which invade the system and eventually trigger disease or ailment. Upper respiratory tract infections may result from this colonization of invasive and infectious agents. You can experience common cold, influenza and/or sore throat.

In my situation, I have (I'm writing at the same time I'm having URTI) sore throat and common cold. Common cold includes symptoms ranging from coughing, sneezing and runny nose that can also lead to congestion, headache and sore throat. Unfortunately, I am experiencing all. Yes. And that is not a good feeling, actually. It is difficult to fall asleep when you have a hard time breathing. It is an effort to study and read your notes when your head aches once in a while. And you can't even concentrate on something when you have to dash for a tissue or hanky to wipe your nose! But thankfully, I'm not yet doom to have flu symptoms since I do not have fever. If you are reading this and experiencing such, then continue reading...

Treatment for URTI is simple - plenty of rest and fluids. Drink water a lot. Tuck in your bed early and wear out those fatigue bones in your body. Take in the medicine prescribed by the doctor, but know that these over-the-counter drugs will not lessen the duration of infection. These will only give you a temporary relief from the pain that you're going through. Also, it is advisable to gargle lukewarm water with salt. I was prescribed to use Betadine gargle and despite the taste, I have to admit, it helps my sore throat issue. Whenever you feel symptoms of URTI, do not be afraid to consult your doctor. It is never that bad to be checked up once in a while.

Despite it all, an ounce of prevention is much better than a pound of cure. Make sure you get lots of rest and fluids. It is a much nicer feeling of being healthy and away from such illnesses.

Live a happy life - longer and healthier! =)

career orientation

INTELLECT: Scientist
EMOTIONS: Instructor
SKILLS: Nurturer
DYNAMISM: Grafter

Your Core Skills

You are a natural communicator with high levels of emotional intelligence and strong leadership skills. An analytical thinker with an innovative streak, you thrive at facilitating group discussions. You will work long and hard if you are inspired by a project.
Potential Areas Of Weakness

You have a tendency to value your own ideas over those of your colleagues and sometimes may need to work harder to make team members feel valued and involved. At the same time, you are very sensitive and sometimes take criticism personally. There is a chance that you become so involved in your work that personal organisation and time management suffer.
Areas You Might Want To Work On

* focus on developing your listening and empathy skills - this is a crucial part of being a good leader
* make a conscious effort to plan your time using structured personal management skills
* actively allow and welcome criticism

Careers That May Suit You

banker entrepreneur journalist business executive marketing account director
Your Detailed Personality Assessment

You have shown yourself to be a natural people-person and to have a real gift in bringing out the best in others. But have you asked yourself recently how much you are able to truly shine and grow in your everyday life at the moment? Satisfaction for you seems to lie in having positive enriching interactions with those around you. You are a strong communicator so make sure that you are communicating the best of yourself in order to achieve your dreams.

When it comes to leadership, empathy is your real forte. You are extremely supportive to your colleagues and able to bring out the best in them.

You have a strong sense of wonder and enchantment at the world around you. You probably get a kick out of blue sky brainstorming.

As far as you're concerned, hard work is the best way to achieve your goals. Short cuts to success are just a false economy. You tend to be quite traditional in your perspective and like to have a clear sense of your career milestones. You believe that effort should be rewarded and that if you put in the hours you'll reap the benefits. However that doesn't mean you always follow your own wisdom. It can be hard to maintain intense levels of focus all the time.

You seem to be in a bit of a hectic place in your life right now. There are lots of opportunities and things that you're interested in, but it's quite hard to know what to focus on. You could probably use a bit of guidance to help you channel your energies in the right way. It's not surprising you're feeling fraught. Work is taking over your life and it seems that things may be starting to get on top of you. You could really use some time and space to think.

The way you approach each day can have huge implications for your success in the workplace. Bouncing out of bed with a spring in your step doesn't exactly come naturally to you. You sometimes find it difficult to get moving in the mornings. It might be worth trying to reinvigorate your morning routine so that getting out of bed is more of a pleasure than a battle! That way you can face the day firing on all cylinders. If you haven't already, why not try exploring some evening relaxation techniques that might help you get the rest you need - whether it's yoga, a soak in the tub or even a full-on gym session. It could make all the difference.
The Future

You may still be a student but you're smart to be thinking ahead and checking out your career options. You're about to embark on a really exciting time in your life - and there's going to be lots of decisions to make that will shape your future. Life an feel like a bit of an endurance race sometimes. It's all about making sure that you have the stamina and commitment to go the distance. You seem to be quite pragmatic about the fact that work has its ups and downs, and this is a really healthy way to be, as long as this doesn't dampen your natural enthusiasm for life.

*Thanks to Youniverse.com

*Something to ponder about, something about what career should I take, where I'll be best suited in, and what kind of personality I am in a world of career.

REST is what I need.

I am so tired.

I just finished my term paper for Biomed.

And I have to do a powerpoint presentation for my report on the same paper.

My report is due this Tuesday.

Hell yeah.

I'm in for a tiring week.

Two exams this coming Friday.

I want to relax.

Oh, I remember! Good thing I went with my friends to stay in a resort the other night.

It was a relaxing night for me.

All I did is swim, swim swim. Oh and I also ate and then swim again. And also sang in the videoke.

I need another like that after this semester.

Tired. Tired. Tired.

My fingers are already numb from typing.

My back is sore from sitting upright.

My head is aching from thinking too much.

My eyes are getting blurrier than before from looking at my laptop's screen the whole day until now.

Rest is what I need.

I guess, I'll have to resort to dreaming.

I hope I will have a nice dream when I crawl into my bed later.

That will be sweet.