Fear Factor

People tend to think that being brave is the state of not being fearful.

But actually it is the other way around.

It is the state of actually acknowledging your fear, but instead of walking away from it, around it, or not doing anything at all... you FACE your fear and strive to overcome it.

That is bravery.

That is the real essence of courage.

In life, when you don't work to battle out the things that scare you, you will never be able to climb over the walls of challenges that we encounter each day. You'll remain stagnant, unproductive... and more likely a failure. No one's perfectly successful with a load of failures in his resume. Failures are part of life. They're basically there... but they don't exist just to make our living crazy than a rollercoaster ride. They exist to TEST us, to MOLD us to become better, to TEACH us things we seem to not understand... they exist to PREPARE us for more challenges up ahead in the course of our life.

At this point in my life, in my 24 years of existence, I can say I've been to many difficulties. Yes, it may not be as hellish as other people who've been to the deepest pit of disappointments, but I have my fair share of troubles and downfalls. Ever since life began for me, I have been an insecure girl. I always hide behind my parents' back, afraid to face the people and be friends with them. I tend to shy away from opportunities, from activities that could gain me friends. I was coined as "mataray", "suplada"... you get what I mean.

I had this thick shell around me, built a wall between me and the people, just because I was too afraid to trust them and let them into my life.

Where did my insecurity lies?

You maybe have read my previous blogs related to this issue... so you'll probably have an idea already.

Yes, I was born with an inborn hand.

Not your regular right hand, so growing up, people looked at me bit differently.

I was not pretty, as far as I can say.

I emerged during puberty as an ugly duckling... face decorated with eyebags and pimples.

I was chubby, short...

In short, I don't see myself as appealing to others... that it provoked me to hide my hand, feel lowly about myself.

I was consumed with fear that no person will accept me for who I am except my family.

Yes, I gained friends but still I am somewhat doubtful.

But looking back at those years I wallowed in the pit of insecurity, I felt sorry about myself, but at the same time, grateful.

Through that, I was able to see myself and reflect.

Slowly but surely, I learnt to shed off the shell, to bring down the wall and open up myself wholeheartedly to people. I gained my confidence and became president of our district youth council. My natural "malambing" nature came through and it gained me friends. Real friends who accepted me for who I am, beyond my insecurities and weirdness.

And through them, I slowly find myself and realized who I am and what I can offer... what I can do if I just let go of my insecurities.

Who would have thought that after all these years, two person will actually see me as 19 years old?

I've never could imagined I would hear such compliments from 2 guys who I just met...

It's not that I am bragging about it, I'm honestly flattered at the same time surprised.

It is such a difference when positive energy overflows from you.. when you let optimism rule over your insecurity. I am more comfortable with myself.. even there are still times I hide my hand and feel like I'm no way pretty like my friends.

But once in a while, I look at my own reflection in the mirror and understand my worth.

I am a child of God, His daughter... why would I think lowly of myself?

He has created me in His own image, why would I tamper it and think negative of His creation?

I am blessed that I am who I am today.

I am so grateful that He has helped me find my inner confidence and channel it through ways that I can also inspire.

Who would have thought that once upon a time, you will never see me standing alone in a crowd, mingling and smiling, as if I've already known them for so long?

But now... it's like my inclination for personal interaction comes out naturally.. that close friends have seen me as more mature and more approachable.

'Tis such an awesome experience to see how much growth I've accomplished and how many friends I've gained who have become attached to me.

Life is never easy.

And being brave is not easy as well.

Yet it takes an effort to try...takes one decision to surrender all to Him and let Him guide you through and overcome your fears.

Before I am an insecure girl... 

but now..

I am a secure young woman, bursting forth with happiness and good vibes, assured that I should not fear life when God is walking by my side.~

Slowly Falling.... Guided by God's Gentle Hands

Even if you want to stay friends, sometimes, you get overwhelmed and began falling for that person.

And FAST.

It's really so hard to leave a statement when you can never be sure of what will happen next in the days to come. When you thought you could never like that person, you'd end up thinking about him before you succumb to sleep. When you thought you will never like his personality, you'd end up appreciating every little detail of his likes and dislikes, to the extend of realizing you have similarities in the long run.

When you think you'd just be happy being friends with him, you'd crave for more... and more, until you'd never be so contented to have him look at you "just as a friend".

I am grateful that earlier this year, I was able to find my stable self, not as a hundred percent perfectly built, but this year, I've found a fresh new aura around me, in me, with me. I began anew with God, I dished off my principle of finding happiness through a man and vowed not to let a man rule over my heart and mind.

I learnt a valuable lesson of finding happiness and confidence first before even letting myself fall completely for a man.

And God is indeed a wonderful Father, for He guided me, His daughter to find a man, in a slow crucial step-by-step process. Indeed, when comparing to my last entry, I felt relieved that I haven't lost my focus nor my control. I didn't let selfish desires lead me to make rash decisions I will regret in the later years. I'm grateful I have friends who have been a supportive pillar, who helped me continually connect to that confidence I've gained for the past months... and I'm happy that God has been guiding me through and through.

Truly, prayers are miraculous answers to your silent inquiries and desires.

God works in mysterious ways, yet He enlightened you with answers as long as you're willing to understand and abide by His will.

It's not about what you want, but what God wants the best for you.

And I willingly surrendered my heart to God's gentle, reassuring hands, letting Him guide me to that man, if He intends to....

That man...

I already see him as the man for me, yet I can't yet be sure if I am completely in love with him.

I still want to stay humbly as his friend, gaining his trust and finding his companion a treasure I've never regret I've come to enjoy.

I am so happy he finally opened up to me, unlike those previous random conversations which mostly comprise of food, food... and yes, food.

Funny, but still I enjoyed those comical talks we had... but this past weekend, he finally told me more than FOOD... and in person.

Imagine the happiness and gratitude that swelled in my heart... yes, I am indeed happy.

It's true and I can say with confidence... though the past months have been slowly progressive... every second has been worth the wait.

And whatever God has plan for the next year to come, I'd be patiently waiting... as I've done for the past months.

Yes, I am slowly falling for him more and more.... but what's so good about it, I'm not alone... I've been gently guided by God's hands. <3 font="font">

AMEN! :)

In God's Perfect Timing

I tried to hold onto that belief that God is indeed writing the best love story for me, I just have to wait and be patient.

And I've never thought that there will come a day when I'll actually open up to the idea of really finding that man, of really seeing one person as that man God has intended me to have.

Close friends knew of my insecurity. My family knew of my somewhat low esteem when it comes to finding that confidence in myself. I knew it in me that I don't trust the idea someone will actually fall in love with me, choose me over other girls, love me for who I am.

You might think, I've already found my own love story, but I'm actually treading towards one. I suppose, this year has taught me so many things that my perspective on finding love isn't as complicated as how I pictured it before. Back then, I was clinging to the idea that I need a man to make me happy... to make me feel complete or make me feel that I am special. I realized, no it's not like that. I need to find myself first, and be happy with who I am, love myself before I can really understand love. I need to find real love, which is in Christ Jesus before I find it in myself to really love someone. I've understood more that you can never find the answer if you take matters into your hands... let God lead the way, and you're assured on the right track.

Just like what's happening to me lately. I'm not in a hurry to put things in order and affirm myself that 'yes, we have a future'. You can say I've started liking someone, someone who I believed God wanted me to meet for a certain reason. Whatever purpose it might be, one thing is clear... he is not someone who causes me to walk astray from God's course. The amazing thing is, he leads me to know him in a good way, no physical involvement, just the way he prioritizes God and family over any other personal desires... has won me over.

Our first encounter started with nothing, yet God ignited a friendship I never thought I will have with him. The process was slow, patiently-woven by God's guiding fingers, but the truth is, I'm never in a hurry. I know God wanted me to learn the value of patience, and in this case, it's surely teaching me. I tried not to take actions rashly, just because I'm afraid to lose him... and I'm afraid to walk ahead of God's plans.

We never really touched hands except a one time quick shaking of hands. We never talked so much beyond personal background, but we always joked around. I don't even know his real age, but his passion for sports caught my attention. His firm integrity, on prioritizing family and church service over own enjoyment... led me to like him more and more. I didn't think of him more than a friend months ago and I can't finish the sentence by saying I am in love with him now. I like him, yes... and I intend to focus on strengthening my friendship with him rather than creating a romantic relationship at once.

I really have no idea what he thinks of me. I'm scared that I'll get too attached at once, since I am a sensitive person, afraid I might fall too soon if I don't be careful. Yet it is a breathtaking relief that when you put the matters of your heart in God's hands and pray for it earnestly, He will indeed guide you. I never prayed specifically for love before, and even now, I don't, but a simple honest prayer of asking guidance in our friendship and whatever will happen beyond is encouraging, knowing that He knows what is the best for both of us.

I remember reading in Messages to Young People, about the important question you asked when you're thinking over marrying someone, and it can be be synched with a case of liking someone.

Will that person take you closer to Christ?

Simple, yet really relevant. Will that person be heaven-sent or a stumbling block to your faith? Will loving him or her encourage you and not distract you from your obligations, responsibilities and entrusted work in the Lord's mission? If yes, then he is the man God has sent to be your life partner. If not, you might have to think and ponder over it, since having partnership with someone who might lead you away from God, is not a good idea.

I have to say, God is just so amazing. He lets me experience this kind of situation in a slow manner, without any rush. He waited for me to really find my confidence, my desire to serve Him without doubts in my mind and heart, He led me pursue a life dedicated to Him, before letting my heart beat again for a certain someone.

I believe in God's perfect timing.

And right now, I am in His hands. Whatever He has in store for me, I am assured it's all in accordance to His plans. My heart is ready and willing... and if He leads me to him... then one thing will be clear, he will be the partner God has called to be my constant companion as we strive to a life solely consecrated to serving God.

Amen!

CHECK THE FUTURE.

DESTINY

Fate or destiny, whatever you call it, most people believe on that. That mere idea of meeting someone, as if the said incidence is planned by the Higher powers, it's a purpose driven by power of fate, as they say. It's like  thread connects two persons, and whatever happens, they will meet one day. Every scene in one's life leads to another, as if a certain hidden purpose works its way to make things happen as it is planned. As if you're destined to make this happen, as if it's your destiny to meet this special someone in your life.

[Just one funny event... rare but it just fall in th right places.. as if fated. I'm playing Tiny Towers in my Itouch... and the game has this special Facebook like part wherein the mini pixel characters living in my tower can post their statuses (of course pre-programmed already in the game). But imagine my shock, when I decided to open a can of Cheez Curls, even asking my mom for permission, something unexpected happened. At that time, I was even saying that I'll probably finish everything off because I like it. After that I checked my game again to re-stock the products of each floor, when I decided to check the Bitbook (FB-like app in the game). I read this latest status of one character, expressing his fondness for Cheez Curls. I actually re-read the status if I'm reading it right, while looking at the can of Cheez Curls in front of me. Funny though, I have been playing game for so long, it's the first time that status appeared. Most of the statuses shown kept on repeating themselves... but this one, it just happened right there and then that I'm also eating Cheez Curls. Wow!]

But, it's rather sad if people just let the destiny do its work and not work for it anymore. I believe that, it's not just fate or destiny that puts us to where we are, it's our own desire and perseverance, toiling our way to achieve whatever we want to achieve. It's not just waiting for the apple to fall from its branch, or waiting for the sun to rise or set, without doing anything worthwhile.

DREAMS

I love it when I dream of good dreams, but freak out so much when it's either scary or mind-boggling. I remember two memorable scary dreams I had, that I had to be awakened by my Dad forcefully because I was crying so hard. Also, there was this one time, just this month where I literally screamed out loud... that Dad rushed to my bedroom and woke me up. I thought the dream was so real, but the reason why I was shouting was out of frustration, the mood that I was in, in that dream. But lately, my dreams seemed to be real and seemed to hold a special meaning... although I just can't figure them out. Are they just brought out by my hidden desire or wild imagination... or they hold a "futuristic message"... something that tells me about the future. If I try to remember well, there were moments in the scene that may have already happened to me.. not probably as similar as I saw it in my dream.. but something analogical. There was this one dream where I saw my "crush"... and I actually caught him looking at me. Days or weeks after that, there was this event that he was one of the players, and I was just one of the bystanders. I actually avoided looking at his direction.. but when I accidentally did.. he was looking at my direction.. not sure if really looking at me. I often wondered why it happened.. but it did. Just this morning, I had two dreams, but sadly they're not as vivid as I want to..as much as I've wanted to have written it fast on my journal upon waking up, I just wasn't able to. The first dream revolved about a stranger who seemed to be interested in me... and not only that, it's just not one guy.. it's probably a group I think who seemed to like me positively.. which in real life, is NOT happening. In the second dream, the people were familiar faces... and one guy who I know, joked around being my boyfriend when I teased about buying a boyfriend... instead of a new phone. Funny.. because that guy...I just recently liked him because of his good dancing skills.

Dunno what my future holds.. or if my dreams have some kind of "premonition" approach... I don't have any clue. But honestly, I often wonder if they do.

IMAGINATION

I have a wide imagination, I always say. Friends often get amused at my random monologues that would eventually spring up a story.. with my own made-up scenes and events. Probably, one reason why I love to write stories because it's an outlet for all these sort of thoughts brewing in my head. And one thing interesting for me.. is that most of these products of my imaginations get to be part of something officially being shown in televesion, or other media instruments. Like when I was imagining myself as a trainee in Korea who gets popular.. I wrote something about debuting a cameo role in a Korean drama entitled City Hunter, little did I know, days after that, I learned from the latest Korean showbiz news about a new drama entitled City Hunter, starring Lee Minho and Park Minyoung. And I was like... "Whoa". It's just one of those occurrences that I've encountered in my life. Apart from that, when I watch drama, may it be Filipino or foreign movies, I always tend to make up my own conclusions to what might happen... trying to put two and two together. I never did expect when I find out, the actual events in the drama are near close to what I just assumed. Awesome! That's why, I have this habit of being able to deduce the story events even though I miss out certain episodes, I still get the flow... even if you made me watch the episodes in the middle. I think, I'm just weird like that? Haha... but I'm enjoying it.

Everything I've said reminded me when I was doing this "premonition act" with my highschool classmates. I'd just touch their hand and whatever comes first in my mind, I try to make a feel of it.. and share whatever I see. It's actually a joke in the beginning with my best friend... but then she told me what I just created as "premonition scene" for her actually happened. So the word spread fast... and all my other classmates wanted their palms to be read.. when actually, I'm not reading anything. It's as if my mind's working on images that comes at once whenever I touch them. And funny but scary, most of what I told them happens. I actually stopped it... I was too scared to believe it, plus I believe more in God... and I don't have real power to even make premonitions. But it's just weird that whatever I think of most of the time.... it actually happens.. whenever I check the news... or surf the net.. there's something happening quite related with what just went through my mind. Oh well.

So many thoughts, but I have to sleep. Just want to let these out.. .Whew!

AYE, AYE CAPTAIN!

Being a leader is not an easy task. I'm sure I am not the only one who thinks that. Assuming such position requires a lot of perseverance, patience and commitment to do your part, as well as lead the pack. Like an Alpha, for the case of wolves, the others look up at you and listen to what you have to say. There's no room for doubts and uncertainty, you have to emanate such confidence that will make them put their trust in you. It's definitely hard, that's why, I always get this fear of taking such responsibility.

Yes, I have to say, I had experiences of being a leader, but all through those experiences, I have to say, most of the time, I fail in being a good one. I always lack something along the way, apart from failing to accomplish certain tasks, which just eventually made me more unsure of my capabilities. As much as I want to do my very best, there's always a niche for error, in my case.

Why am I ranting something about this? It's because I've just been elected the president for our district's youth federation, if you can call it that way. If you compare my participation before, I'm more active now compared to way back in my younger years. It's more like when I stepped onto college that I found my confidence in being part of the youth organization, to help with activities and bond with the youth. And now, I'm more of post-grad student, I tend to mingle more and have always been teased to be so hyper and talkative.

I can already feel the pressure. Yes, I have been there when two of my closes friends in the district were presidents. I have been part of their years leading the group, participating in activities, extending my help. But now, I'm definitely sure it's different. I'm not just behind the scenes anymore, I'm actually the one leading already - the one with the highest burden of making the last final decision, the carrying the torch with every advocate the group intends to start with. As much as I want to hide and step away from the limelight, there's no turning back. I don't know if they vote-slash-elected me out of confident that I can do it... or scared of being voted in the first place.. but I don't want to ruin their good image of me. I want to prove my worthiness of being casted in this position in the first place.

I still have my worries, I still have my fears, but I want to be brave enough to carry on God's will. If He intends me this, ever since, then I will faithfully follow. I'm tired of being too insecure and scared of my own troubles, I want to change for the better. I'm sure God believes in me, as much as these youth believe in me. I want to believe in myself and in my capabilities. I want to shed off my negative thoughts and focus on the upbringing of the best of each and every youth in the district. And also, to be closer to them as I hope to be.

I may lack in some ways, may it be physical or emotional-wise, but I won't learn to grow if I don't experience first-hand, right? So, God bless me and the youth federation as we head for another year. May we serve as good servants of the Lord, reaching to others and molding ourselves, as well, to be good and God-fearing Christians.

Good luck to me and the new council!

LET'S SET FORTH TO A NEW ADVENTURE!

MR. GENTLEMAN and MS. SENSITIVE

Amidst life of an irregular medical student, I still realize time is never to be wasted upon doing nothing. If better, I should be engaged in doing something, may it be inclined in academics (which is much, much better) or other stuff, like recreational or random interests at one point in time. But the real deal is, I always find myself either busy or wanting time to lengthen for a bit, just to give enough chance to finish something, like reading a chapter in Guyton. In such a hurry, one might think I don't notice everything else around me. Actually, it's the opposite. That very moment of being on a jeepney ride or an elevator, escalator or a van, gives me the chance to think, to ponder over random things on my head... or look at the passing scenery along the road, or at few times, glance at a cute little kid sitting beside her mommy. It becomes a relief, something that allows me to leave the toxic world for a while and just relax my mind. I try to be more positive in life, despite being a repeater, in the first place, to try plastering a real smile on my face, something that will get me by and beyond the rambling insecurities and gloominess of my depressed heart.

Yes. I am a sensitive person. Despite being talkative and too cheerful whenever I'm with close friends, I tend to be unapproachable when I'm walking alone, on the street or just across the medical building's hallway. I always overthink. What if it's not good to smile at him, when we haven't really been introduced properly? What if she thinks I'm assuming too much on the level of our friendship? Am I too possessive that she likes to be away from me during the day? Things like that go over my head and seriously, these thoughts will literally choke me for the rest of the day that I eventually end up being moody. That's how sensitive I can be. I tend to feel suddenly left alone... and I'll assume the worst from it. Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I don't belong... why I'm just like a passing drifter, never sticking to one group, never really belonging to a tight clique.

But between my inner shell of sensitivity and clashing worlds of medical school and reality, there lies that zone... where I still find something to make me think more. As if being a medical student is not nerve-wracking enough to use my brain, like in laboratory conferences, for an instance. Just yesterday, I left the dorm for my afternoon class, and unfortunately the weather was not really nice. It was raining hard, plus the wind was definitely strong, that it can rip my umbrella apart if I'm not careful enough. So, I stood at the streetside and waited for a jeepney that will take me to the university. To make the introduction short, I saw the jeepney and took the ride. Making my way towards the jeepney was already a fail. I forgot to open my umbrella so I got shock when I walked from the shed and across the street. And just when I wanted to open the umbrella, the wind forced it close, so I got too focused on opening it again. A horn blared and I realized I'm standing still in the middle of the street and a jeepney is already towards me. Trying to save myself, I slipped in the middle of that small distance between the two jeepneys just to get inside one of them. To make matters worse, just when I think I'm already safe, while inside the jeepney, I tried to look for a vacant seat, but the driver suddenly geared the jeepney forward, so I unfortunately succumbed to inertia. You know the feeling of being helpless and your weight just got sucked in downwards (thanks gravity!). Good heavens, someone supported me and it was a guy wearing all black. I was literally shocked and so embarrassed. Finally I got my seat which was across this guy who was my "lifesaver"... I don't know if I was able to really say thank you properly, though. That's when I realize, a gentleman is in front of me. And oh boy, a gentleman still exists. I felt like the luckiest girl in the planet, or just make it in that jeepney for discovering someone like him. I felt like in this world, in this recent time, only few gentleman exist. And I'm just very grateful, he was there when I had an unfortunate incident. So glad.

Thank you, Mr. Gentleman-in-Black, you literally saved a damsel in distress. Cheers!

MOVIE REVIEW AND A DOSE OF SELF-INSECURITIES

So, this movie is like released a year ago and I just WATCHED it today. Yeah. But anyways, this movie is beyond hilarious and heartwarming, at the same time. It sparked something in me, something I honestly connected with the character's personal stories.

MOVIE REVIEW:

I love the concept of the story itself. It's not fictional, it actually happens in reality. Whether we deny it, it happens. Such scenes are in fact, may have happened once in our life - being bullied, difficulty in letting go of the shadows of the past, messing up, trying to give others a second chance... and the thing that I'm most guilty of .. being insecure.

The movie has the right tone, the perfect actresses and actors to play each character with such finesse and humor, the light drama but at the same, direct to the point. I enjoyed every second of watching it. There's a fine line of lesson to learn from, something people tend to forget, tend to take for granted.

Mistakes help us learn. What's done in the past is IN the past. If we can't let go from it, it will just haunt us forever. But most of the times, those shadows of the past actually strengthened us to do our best, to step up to the challenge and be better. Life is not perfect. People are not flawless, we're just "humans". Yet, to forgive and forget is the special key for a lifelong success and happiness.

PERSONAL VIEW:

As the movie ended, I didn't quite yet absorb the essence of the story. Well, I did understand its role in the characters' lives, but in mine, I didn't think much over it... just yet. But due to unforeseen circumstance that left me crying helplessly inside my room, everything suddenly connected and made sense. So much sense.

Back in high school, I was one of the "honor students". You know those type of students praised for their academic excellence, thought to have a very good future ahead of them. I lived in the pedestal of my hard work and my eagerness to pass every examination... to make my parents proud. You might think I'm THAT popular, but no. If I were, I could've a boyfriend or a clique of friends who will last until this very moment.

I wasn't the bullied geek, but more or less the girl that people enjoyed "hanging" out with. To joke around, to tease lightly, to plainly have fun with. And nothing more. I'm never the one guys think of as "serious" except when it comes to studying. I can remember the term used by one of my high school classmates... "I'm the stuff toy". How can I be complimented with that? I laugh out all my insecurities and worries, but inside, I felt jealous of those other people who people always look for, always want to invite to gatherings.

Being not pretty and handicapped didn't make it better for the coming days, as I entered college and even now, in medicine. I always felt like what I do is never enough.

How could I not? Imagine, me trying to do my best, be good in something, but still be less appreciated. To see other people garner much interest and fame makes me feel sickeningly jealous. Yes, I am so insecure of myself.

Every time I look at the mirror, I felt pathetic.

Every time I see myself in the middle of a crowd, I felt so left out.

I'm still in this place where I can't even feel so accomplished. I felt like all my efforts are not good enough, still not good enough.... still not good enough.

I'm so afraid to meet people from my past. Will they be so disappointed in me? I've seen those looks in people before, those looks that made me feel I'm so ugly, I'm so incomplete, I'm so pathetic.

That it makes me so scared to even try... to even feel like I'm pretty.

I also want to have a happy ending one day, a happy ending with someone who loves me, with people who accept and appreciate me... people who will never leave me hanging.

I've been like this for the past years of my life. I want to let go but still can't. I want to be happy but I'm never been a hundred percent happy. I just want to live my life to the fullest but still, I am damn afraid.

NOTES:

I recommend that you watch YOU AGAIN if you haven't watch it yet. It's fun, light, with the right touch of drama and action (yeah, you'll get it when you see it).

And I also recommend that you don't be like me. It's hard to let go of past insecurities and even shadows of past mistakes. Learn to let go soon and live life to the fullest.

Hello, my friend.

It is nice to meet new people.
But, it's so scary when people don't like you that much as you like them.
Well.
You cannot always please everyone, right?
It's just..
Sometimes, it gets in my nerves.
I always doubt myself when it comes to making new friends.
But close people told me I am approachable.
But why?
I am not that close anymore with my HS bestfriend.
I do not even have the "clicque" group of friends during college.

Despite being a nice person, trying to be sensitive to others, being fair..
I always end up being not taken importantly.
I'm just easily thrown aside.
And I hate it.

Sighs.
I just want someone who will be there for me..
who will stay..
who will protect me as I do the same for her or him.

I wish Ii'll find that person in the next phase of my life.

what does the sign tell?

Should I be in FEU?
Can my father's financial setup be able to carry on with my medical studying?
I'm scared.
I'm confused.
They still opt for PLM.
If the reconsideration letter is approved, then I might get in to PLM.
Enjoy lower tuition fees and closer school to home.
BUT.
I don't know.
I have this feeling that I'm supposed to be in FEU.
I'm fated to go there.
I'm confused really.
I wish things will be settled soon.
Sighs.

FEAR

It has been silently creeping into my system.
Much, much intense compared to those fear of not being able to pass papers or projects online, or passing/failing an examination.

It holds my eye on the future.
That's where my fear is rooting from.
I am scared, I don't know if I am going to the right step, right way, right destination.
I am afraid to disappoint not only my parents, but myself.

I am really lost right now.
Just when I thought I am already reaching what I want to accomplish,
it's getting farther from my hands.

I am so freaking out right now.
Please.
Please.


I do not want to be alone at this moment in my life.
I might collapse and have a hard time standing up.

on and off

It was a struggling decision when I confessed.
Even though it was not personally executed, it was emotional.
That time, I decided to step away..
from the world we both share.
Seeing one another was like fate entangling us both.
I am not trying to tie the rope of our hearts together..
so I continued hiding, staying away.
But life sure has its own makings and we met again on the crossroad.
Touch, the consent, the acceptance..
the choice of erasing what has been said and done.
To save something, you have to sacrifice.
My heart is settled, I guess.
The mere feeling of your hand entertwined in the strands of my hair.
That proves I'm still part of you.
And you to me.
I should be contented, not selfish.

We may not be lovers.
We're friends.
That's how it is supposed to be, right?

when forever's not enough

I just heard a while ago about my great-grandmother recently celebrating her birthday.Her age is 92.She is the mother of my late grandmother. Yes, Lola left this world earlier than her.

When I heard of this, I can't help but be amazed. Our relatives reported, according to my mother who was relaying the story to us, my grandmother is still strong and dreams of becoming rich. What a woman! Many will surely be envious of her, reaching that age where few have arrived. For the recent years, many have been dying at early age which saddened a lot of loved ones.

At this world, there are so many factors that can influence one's death or longevity. You cannot control your life, how long you may live or when you will exhale your last breath. But one thing is for sure, what you take in your body, what you do to your body will bear the consequences in the future. If you're careful, you might get to live that long. Yet many will say, there are still people who live a healthy life but still die early. Why, they may say? As I said, we cannot control our lives, only a Higher Being know where we're going in the years to come, what will happen to us, will we live until our 50's or maybe reach the age of 100? Despite that, it's no use getting fussy over the fact that we will reach death at the end of the crossroad. Everything has its end, no one or nothing is forever in this world. Changes always come. A race that starts will have its finish line in the end.

But I believe, no matter how everything will end for me, I will live my life to the fullest. So whenever I'm at my end, when I look back at those years, I know, I am happy and I have nothing to regret. And maybe, even if I don't reach my 90 years of life, someone will still remember me on the day I was born and the day I left the world to rest.


P.S.
It's not that I am giving the creeps, I am not really comfortable talking about death or everything. I just want myself to accept it step by step. That's why I blogged about it.

Prayers to all victims of Ondoy

The typhoon Ondoy has caused a massive impact to the Philippines, especially in Metro Manila and regions of Marikina, Quezon and Rizal. In just a matter of time, people, animals, appliances and vehicles were all washed away by the raging rainstorm.


(www.timesonline.co.uk)


(news.xinhuanet.com)


(www8.gmanews.tv)

There were so many casualties, so many people who needed assistance, not only financially, but through supplies of food, water and clothing. On that fateful day that Ondoy poured its way into our lives, many were left in despair, anguish and pain. There were sacrifices made, like the story of Mr. Magallanes (May his spirit rest in peace.) who had saved more than 30 people during the rampaging storm and water current.

See this link for more details:http://www.theage.com.au/world/philippine-man-loses-own-life-after-saving-dozens-from-floods-20090928-g8o4.html">

Gratitude is what I'm feeling right now that my family is safe, we haven't experienced that much, but my heart reaches our for those who weren't that fortunate. Human is never that strong enough to withstand the power of nature, amidst studying science, calamities for how long history can tell. This helps us to be more wary, more prepared and conscious of our actions towards Mother Nature. We can never predict accurately when or how storms, landslides or tsunami will hit our country. All we have to battle them with is good preparation.

But right now, let's all work together. Through different means, let us extend whatever help we can give, may it be through walk-in donations, pledges or prayers. These victims need them. Let us give them the reason not to give up on living.

As the song goes, "The Lord's our Rock, in Him we hide, a shelter in the time of storm ..". Keep on trustin' and believing. Everything happens for a reason.


(http://carnageandculture.blogspot.com)

*For more inquires, you can visit the following sites:

http://www.google.com/landing/typhoon-ondoy.html
http://www.redcross.org.ph/Site/PNRC/wtd.aspx


(I apologize if the picture is shown incomplete)

pag-ibig nga kaya??? (ano daw?!?!!?!)

This is actually an original blog entry from my Multiply Account. :)

(and in fairness, first ko atang entry dito na halos puro Tagalog, hehe)
--

(naisip ko ito habang tinatahak ng bus na sinasakyan ko ang kahabaan ng SLEX Hi-way)

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Bakit mahirap umasa?

Dahil ba alam mong walang mararating ang pag-asam mo sa isang bagay?

O sadyang tanggap mo na hindi kailanman mapagbibigyan ang tangi mong hiling?

Hindi naman sa pagiging negatibo.

Pero, diba, pag alam mo namang hindi mapupunta sa'yo, bakit mo pa ipagpipilitan?

Kung alam mong hindi siya talaga para sa'yo, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ang sarili mo?

DI pa ba sapat ang iparamdam sa'yo na di ka kailangan?

Hindi masama mangarap, kung alam mong may patutunguhan ang pangarap mo.

Masakit ang umasa kung sa una palang, talo ka na.

Mas masakit kung nasa rurok ka na ng munti mong mga panaginip, para lang masilayan mo ang pagtulak sa'yo pabalik sa realidad.

Totoo naman kasi. If it's not meant for you, then it will never be.

Kaya ako, ayoko umasa. Ni isipin man lang na may pagkakataon, di ko magawa.

Alam ko namang walang kahahantungan ang gagawin ko.

Kung ano man ang gagawin ko, sa'kin na yun..

'The heart is indeed fragile. Once broken, it takes time to put back the pieces, but it can never be whole again.'

--
Di ako brokenhearted. Di ako heartbroken. Kung anumang tama sa dalawa.
Naisip ko lang bigla. Di kasi ako makatulog sa biyahe, masyadong malakas ang ihip ng hangin.