Not-so-perfect Daughter

This day proved to be a slap on my face.
Yes, I started it with a happy Fun Run experience with church friends. Along the day, I somehow realized how LACKING I am in life. I pale in comparison to those girl friends I have who are more mature than I am, more adept in household chores, more entertaining, more natural, more decent in attitude and character.

It irks me inside that even if I try, I always fall flat on the ground with my inconsistencies.
And at times, I often wonder, how many questions came to my mom's mind, hoping for a "better daughter". Someone she can rely best in household chores, in womanly duties. I know I have to equipped in this aspect of life, but all these years I've focused myself in doing good in academics, I slowly forgot the duties at home. I often complained out of frustration, out of lost time management, out of desperation to use most of the hours I have to study or read or review. And I know, it frustrates my mother as well having to carry the load at home all by herself. With me, rarely going home, and even if I go home, I am like a transient resident who comes and goes.

It pains me that I am like this. No matter how I try to be a good person, I know I am not genuinely THAT good as other people see me. I feel like there is a wall hiding the real me, and only my family knows the worse side of me. Even my brother tells me about my worst "attitude", my temper. Sometimes, I don't want to bond with them, feeling less of myself, feeling unworthy to be looked up to with younger generation within the church community when I am actually NOT of a real good example.

I've wanted to be the "perfect daughter". but since time can tell, I already failed in that category. Even the status of not-so-perfect daughter is unreachable, I feel like I should be swapped with a better person to fit in the family like a glove.

 I am such an insecure woman I know. Even age can't prove a person's maturity.
I just hope I'd find my comfort in who I am and really work harder to be better.
I may not be the perfect daughter, but I just hope they see that deep inside is the daughter who loves them dearly, and who just thinks of her family all the time.
Even if actions don't speak that much, even if I don't get appreciated for the efforts, I just hope I'd be someone my family will be proud of someday.

DETACHED

Azul, the blue lovebird died this morning. That was the first news that woke me up earlier today. If I can remember it clearly, I saw the bird's head hanging on the plastic thread that is draped above the cage. It's sad to see such a scene.

The first thought the came to my mind is ... "poor bird". He probably suffered from suffocation before dying. My mom even commented that the bird committed suicide. It's such a cruel fate and we're at fault as well. We let that plastic thread hang on the cage and be played by the birds that it ended becoming the reason of the death of one of them. Such a careless act on our part that caused a life.

The second thought that came to mind is ... "what will happen to his partner?". I've been observing Sol, the yellow bird that is now residing alone in their cage. She seemed anxious all the time, staying in the lower part of the cage, head leaning against the railings of the cage. Most of the time, she kept on chirping. I felt lonely for her, to be left alone out of the blue.

Funny though, the situation made me realize that being lonely is not a happy situation to be. My brother even commented about Sol's situation.

"Kawawa naman siya. Wala na siya kasabay kumain, uminom. Wala na siya kasama."

(Poor bird, she doesn't have any companion anymore while eating and drinking. She's alone now.)

True. I've never liked being alone, although most of the time, I do that. I always assure myself this is better, I can do things without being distracted. But at the end, I crave for a companion, I crave for someone to spend the afternoon with me, or accompany me some place I want to go and have fun.

Last night, I got this chance to watch this korean comedy-drama in KBS, entitled "He Who Can't Marry". [KBS 2009]

It's about a man who is a stubborn man in his forties that is insistent on not planning to marry. Plus, his personality makes him not an ideal candidate for women finding their husband-to-be. Although despite his flaws, he's perfect in his work as an accomplished architect. On the other hand, here comes a doctor who is also single, but unlike this man, wants to find the perfect guy to get married to, but haven't found him. It's enlightening when you listen to the characters' lines, how clashing they can be. And I thought, "wow, who would I be like when I come around that age?". Will I be still single and still on a lookout for that perfect man? Or would I be like Cho Jae Hee that believes it depends on your view in life... that you can be happy even being single. You don't spend too much money since you don't have a wife and kids to take care of.

I don't think I can survive until old age being single. I think God created man and woman to live in companionship. No man is an island, there's a popular saying that goes like that. I hope Sol, our yellow bird won't be too lonely, or if possible will have a companion soon so she won't be too sad without someone to chirp with, to eat with or to even play around, especially at this time, I think she and Azul are pretty closer than before.

And I hope too, I won't be single for the rest of my life. I'm happy being single as of now, but in my point of view, I still want to have my own family someday.

dreaming to be with MY family

I saw this again, after going through the last chapter of Moe Kare, one of the mangas I've read in the past. This made me teary-eyed when I first finished reading the manga. The feeling I had was kinda queasy, like I wanted to have the same scene in my life in the future. Not exactly, but to meet that person you really love and to have a family with him was one of my girlish dreams, I suppose. I want to experience LOVE, where just looking at the eyes of my husband, I know the words he wanted to say..

But, o well, it will be too many years from now for that to happen, I hope.
And one bright morning, I will face the day with a big smile as I looked back at my sleeping husband and future baby (hope babies=TWINS!) ^_^


[credit picture to www.mangafox.com ~ thanks!]

camwhores siblings

Few pictures of me and my brother when we went out to SM Molino to celebrate Father's day with our family..

I never knew my brother could be so photogenic? Haha. I just want to share our bonding experience with the mirror. Poor mirrors, victims of our vanity shoot..

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Isn't obvious we love to take pictures? We did enjoy it. Haha.