CHECK THE FUTURE.

DESTINY

Fate or destiny, whatever you call it, most people believe on that. That mere idea of meeting someone, as if the said incidence is planned by the Higher powers, it's a purpose driven by power of fate, as they say. It's like  thread connects two persons, and whatever happens, they will meet one day. Every scene in one's life leads to another, as if a certain hidden purpose works its way to make things happen as it is planned. As if you're destined to make this happen, as if it's your destiny to meet this special someone in your life.

[Just one funny event... rare but it just fall in th right places.. as if fated. I'm playing Tiny Towers in my Itouch... and the game has this special Facebook like part wherein the mini pixel characters living in my tower can post their statuses (of course pre-programmed already in the game). But imagine my shock, when I decided to open a can of Cheez Curls, even asking my mom for permission, something unexpected happened. At that time, I was even saying that I'll probably finish everything off because I like it. After that I checked my game again to re-stock the products of each floor, when I decided to check the Bitbook (FB-like app in the game). I read this latest status of one character, expressing his fondness for Cheez Curls. I actually re-read the status if I'm reading it right, while looking at the can of Cheez Curls in front of me. Funny though, I have been playing game for so long, it's the first time that status appeared. Most of the statuses shown kept on repeating themselves... but this one, it just happened right there and then that I'm also eating Cheez Curls. Wow!]

But, it's rather sad if people just let the destiny do its work and not work for it anymore. I believe that, it's not just fate or destiny that puts us to where we are, it's our own desire and perseverance, toiling our way to achieve whatever we want to achieve. It's not just waiting for the apple to fall from its branch, or waiting for the sun to rise or set, without doing anything worthwhile.

DREAMS

I love it when I dream of good dreams, but freak out so much when it's either scary or mind-boggling. I remember two memorable scary dreams I had, that I had to be awakened by my Dad forcefully because I was crying so hard. Also, there was this one time, just this month where I literally screamed out loud... that Dad rushed to my bedroom and woke me up. I thought the dream was so real, but the reason why I was shouting was out of frustration, the mood that I was in, in that dream. But lately, my dreams seemed to be real and seemed to hold a special meaning... although I just can't figure them out. Are they just brought out by my hidden desire or wild imagination... or they hold a "futuristic message"... something that tells me about the future. If I try to remember well, there were moments in the scene that may have already happened to me.. not probably as similar as I saw it in my dream.. but something analogical. There was this one dream where I saw my "crush"... and I actually caught him looking at me. Days or weeks after that, there was this event that he was one of the players, and I was just one of the bystanders. I actually avoided looking at his direction.. but when I accidentally did.. he was looking at my direction.. not sure if really looking at me. I often wondered why it happened.. but it did. Just this morning, I had two dreams, but sadly they're not as vivid as I want to..as much as I've wanted to have written it fast on my journal upon waking up, I just wasn't able to. The first dream revolved about a stranger who seemed to be interested in me... and not only that, it's just not one guy.. it's probably a group I think who seemed to like me positively.. which in real life, is NOT happening. In the second dream, the people were familiar faces... and one guy who I know, joked around being my boyfriend when I teased about buying a boyfriend... instead of a new phone. Funny.. because that guy...I just recently liked him because of his good dancing skills.

Dunno what my future holds.. or if my dreams have some kind of "premonition" approach... I don't have any clue. But honestly, I often wonder if they do.

IMAGINATION

I have a wide imagination, I always say. Friends often get amused at my random monologues that would eventually spring up a story.. with my own made-up scenes and events. Probably, one reason why I love to write stories because it's an outlet for all these sort of thoughts brewing in my head. And one thing interesting for me.. is that most of these products of my imaginations get to be part of something officially being shown in televesion, or other media instruments. Like when I was imagining myself as a trainee in Korea who gets popular.. I wrote something about debuting a cameo role in a Korean drama entitled City Hunter, little did I know, days after that, I learned from the latest Korean showbiz news about a new drama entitled City Hunter, starring Lee Minho and Park Minyoung. And I was like... "Whoa". It's just one of those occurrences that I've encountered in my life. Apart from that, when I watch drama, may it be Filipino or foreign movies, I always tend to make up my own conclusions to what might happen... trying to put two and two together. I never did expect when I find out, the actual events in the drama are near close to what I just assumed. Awesome! That's why, I have this habit of being able to deduce the story events even though I miss out certain episodes, I still get the flow... even if you made me watch the episodes in the middle. I think, I'm just weird like that? Haha... but I'm enjoying it.

Everything I've said reminded me when I was doing this "premonition act" with my highschool classmates. I'd just touch their hand and whatever comes first in my mind, I try to make a feel of it.. and share whatever I see. It's actually a joke in the beginning with my best friend... but then she told me what I just created as "premonition scene" for her actually happened. So the word spread fast... and all my other classmates wanted their palms to be read.. when actually, I'm not reading anything. It's as if my mind's working on images that comes at once whenever I touch them. And funny but scary, most of what I told them happens. I actually stopped it... I was too scared to believe it, plus I believe more in God... and I don't have real power to even make premonitions. But it's just weird that whatever I think of most of the time.... it actually happens.. whenever I check the news... or surf the net.. there's something happening quite related with what just went through my mind. Oh well.

So many thoughts, but I have to sleep. Just want to let these out.. .Whew!

HEARTY UPDATE: SNOWMAN AND ME

I've never been too open with my hidden feelings for him. Only few knows the real score, only few who understands my real emotions towards him. I'm always scared of too many people discovering the truth, how I'm painstakingly denying the fact, that... most probably, I'm still liking him way too much.

It's a good thing, I think, that I don't see him that much compared to last year. It has been a year now since I accidentally fell for him, more than year when I met him for the first time... I can still remember those short memories I've spent with him, as a stranger, as an acquaintance, as a classmate, as a schoolmate... as a "supposedly-to-be-friend".

It's funny that our relationship comprises of inconsistent peaks, going up in rare moments, then going down most of the time. There were those times when we literally greet each other, where we acknowledge each other's presence. And most of the time, it was an ordeal, trying to find the courage to say a simple hello, or wave a little at him. And every rare moment I saw him with her... it's like one little pointed needle, pricking my heart deep and hard.

He is out of my league, I am sure of that. And I have to blame myself for losing my cool... and losing my confidence in just randomly greeting him. When in fact, we already know each other and it seems both of us have decided to just let go of that. He never did say hi to me again, and I am sure, it's because of me. The mere image I project towards him probably pushed him away... farther away from my reach. Yeah, such a good act on my part.

I kept on telling my roommate I have moved on, or rather, I AM MOVING ON. Moving on from what, you may ask, when we haven't been in any relationship? Moving on from hoping too much... that he's meant for me. Funny that I even thought of that, in the first place, I didn't put any effort to get closer to him. Or I've always known from the beginning there's no way he'll fall for me. Yes, that would be it. There's no way he will.

I am scared to really fall in love. Cases such as these are the reasons why. Liking someone then running away when he gets near, scared out of my wits, all because I'm way drowning in my pool of insecurities and fears. It's rather a good thing to find my own self first and learn to love me, all of me before letting go. If not, I'd probably be all broken when I fall and kept on falling in the end... without no one catching me.

I'm just happy actually because he liked a status in my Facebook wall which I just posted an hour ago. I'm actually surprised he did that, then I realized I liked a status of him minutes before he did that. So, I'm wondering if it's just an act of give-and-return relationship, or something like that. But still, I'm just glad... there were so many first time happenings that I've encountered when it comes to him. 

Mr. Snowman, thank you.

AYE, AYE CAPTAIN!

Being a leader is not an easy task. I'm sure I am not the only one who thinks that. Assuming such position requires a lot of perseverance, patience and commitment to do your part, as well as lead the pack. Like an Alpha, for the case of wolves, the others look up at you and listen to what you have to say. There's no room for doubts and uncertainty, you have to emanate such confidence that will make them put their trust in you. It's definitely hard, that's why, I always get this fear of taking such responsibility.

Yes, I have to say, I had experiences of being a leader, but all through those experiences, I have to say, most of the time, I fail in being a good one. I always lack something along the way, apart from failing to accomplish certain tasks, which just eventually made me more unsure of my capabilities. As much as I want to do my very best, there's always a niche for error, in my case.

Why am I ranting something about this? It's because I've just been elected the president for our district's youth federation, if you can call it that way. If you compare my participation before, I'm more active now compared to way back in my younger years. It's more like when I stepped onto college that I found my confidence in being part of the youth organization, to help with activities and bond with the youth. And now, I'm more of post-grad student, I tend to mingle more and have always been teased to be so hyper and talkative.

I can already feel the pressure. Yes, I have been there when two of my closes friends in the district were presidents. I have been part of their years leading the group, participating in activities, extending my help. But now, I'm definitely sure it's different. I'm not just behind the scenes anymore, I'm actually the one leading already - the one with the highest burden of making the last final decision, the carrying the torch with every advocate the group intends to start with. As much as I want to hide and step away from the limelight, there's no turning back. I don't know if they vote-slash-elected me out of confident that I can do it... or scared of being voted in the first place.. but I don't want to ruin their good image of me. I want to prove my worthiness of being casted in this position in the first place.

I still have my worries, I still have my fears, but I want to be brave enough to carry on God's will. If He intends me this, ever since, then I will faithfully follow. I'm tired of being too insecure and scared of my own troubles, I want to change for the better. I'm sure God believes in me, as much as these youth believe in me. I want to believe in myself and in my capabilities. I want to shed off my negative thoughts and focus on the upbringing of the best of each and every youth in the district. And also, to be closer to them as I hope to be.

I may lack in some ways, may it be physical or emotional-wise, but I won't learn to grow if I don't experience first-hand, right? So, God bless me and the youth federation as we head for another year. May we serve as good servants of the Lord, reaching to others and molding ourselves, as well, to be good and God-fearing Christians.

Good luck to me and the new council!

LET'S SET FORTH TO A NEW ADVENTURE!

MR. GENTLEMAN and MS. SENSITIVE

Amidst life of an irregular medical student, I still realize time is never to be wasted upon doing nothing. If better, I should be engaged in doing something, may it be inclined in academics (which is much, much better) or other stuff, like recreational or random interests at one point in time. But the real deal is, I always find myself either busy or wanting time to lengthen for a bit, just to give enough chance to finish something, like reading a chapter in Guyton. In such a hurry, one might think I don't notice everything else around me. Actually, it's the opposite. That very moment of being on a jeepney ride or an elevator, escalator or a van, gives me the chance to think, to ponder over random things on my head... or look at the passing scenery along the road, or at few times, glance at a cute little kid sitting beside her mommy. It becomes a relief, something that allows me to leave the toxic world for a while and just relax my mind. I try to be more positive in life, despite being a repeater, in the first place, to try plastering a real smile on my face, something that will get me by and beyond the rambling insecurities and gloominess of my depressed heart.

Yes. I am a sensitive person. Despite being talkative and too cheerful whenever I'm with close friends, I tend to be unapproachable when I'm walking alone, on the street or just across the medical building's hallway. I always overthink. What if it's not good to smile at him, when we haven't really been introduced properly? What if she thinks I'm assuming too much on the level of our friendship? Am I too possessive that she likes to be away from me during the day? Things like that go over my head and seriously, these thoughts will literally choke me for the rest of the day that I eventually end up being moody. That's how sensitive I can be. I tend to feel suddenly left alone... and I'll assume the worst from it. Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I don't belong... why I'm just like a passing drifter, never sticking to one group, never really belonging to a tight clique.

But between my inner shell of sensitivity and clashing worlds of medical school and reality, there lies that zone... where I still find something to make me think more. As if being a medical student is not nerve-wracking enough to use my brain, like in laboratory conferences, for an instance. Just yesterday, I left the dorm for my afternoon class, and unfortunately the weather was not really nice. It was raining hard, plus the wind was definitely strong, that it can rip my umbrella apart if I'm not careful enough. So, I stood at the streetside and waited for a jeepney that will take me to the university. To make the introduction short, I saw the jeepney and took the ride. Making my way towards the jeepney was already a fail. I forgot to open my umbrella so I got shock when I walked from the shed and across the street. And just when I wanted to open the umbrella, the wind forced it close, so I got too focused on opening it again. A horn blared and I realized I'm standing still in the middle of the street and a jeepney is already towards me. Trying to save myself, I slipped in the middle of that small distance between the two jeepneys just to get inside one of them. To make matters worse, just when I think I'm already safe, while inside the jeepney, I tried to look for a vacant seat, but the driver suddenly geared the jeepney forward, so I unfortunately succumbed to inertia. You know the feeling of being helpless and your weight just got sucked in downwards (thanks gravity!). Good heavens, someone supported me and it was a guy wearing all black. I was literally shocked and so embarrassed. Finally I got my seat which was across this guy who was my "lifesaver"... I don't know if I was able to really say thank you properly, though. That's when I realize, a gentleman is in front of me. And oh boy, a gentleman still exists. I felt like the luckiest girl in the planet, or just make it in that jeepney for discovering someone like him. I felt like in this world, in this recent time, only few gentleman exist. And I'm just very grateful, he was there when I had an unfortunate incident. So glad.

Thank you, Mr. Gentleman-in-Black, you literally saved a damsel in distress. Cheers!

WALK BACK IN ELBI

Wow, so it has been more than a week since I updated this blog. But anyways, I had a tiring moment yesterday, since I went to LB, Laguna to get some needed documents. You see, I just learnt last semester that I was lacking some important files, according to the Medicine office. As much as I want to insist that I've already passed those files, I have no choice but to request again from my college (UPLB), don't forget pay for them again. I actually already went there to request for it, two weeks ago... and finally, went back yesterday to get them.

It was a long travel, for the fact that I left the house near lunch time, since I woke up late and my pace was slow for my usual self. The travel took so long, not what I was hoping it will be, but nevertheless, I finally arrived in the campus after almost 3 hours. I felt so haggard with the sun-and-rain weird weather also taking its toll on us, the passengers along the way. Thank God, my "inaanak" from my college organization got stuck up with some paper works, so she did something to pass by the time, waiting for me. We planned to have lunch together, but unfortunately, our 1pm schedule got fast-tracked to a super late lunch meal... at 3 in the afternoon.

There are so many fancy and awesome diners-slash-restaurant-and-cheap-food shops in LB... that back in my college days, I rarely go to them. I mostly go to the usual fast food (McDonald's and KFC)... and in my favorite cozy carinderia, just across the alleyway that leads to the apartment unit that I used to stay back then. Going back to LB brings back so many odd memories... of me, most of the time... alone. Funny. I'm actually not a fan of going out, but I mostly do it with my orgmates Aryani and Lauren, who were also neighbors back then. But most of the time, I usually sulk inside my apartment unit, I feel more comfortable. Plus, I'm not also a food voyer back then, unlike now who wants to try anything that I set my eyes and curiosity into.

But there's this one store that I still remember, I used to eat once or twice there back then. Since I'm very much into Korean food, especially maki rolls, I suggested to Tammy, my "inaanak" that we grabbed our late lunch there. I actually learnt the day before that the shop re-opened up in new place, second floor of the Anker's building.. the one where the bustling Boston Cafe is famous to be located in the ground floor, the place where we stayed most of the time during Physiology's research paper works. That coffee shop that had me "seriously sick" of frappes after one week of being there.. and ordering time and time again, but I had no problem of the place, it's cozy and is a wifi hotspot.

Tammy ordered a combo, I forgot to check out the name and also failed to get a snapshot, but it had tonkatsu in there, and a colorful kani salad. It looks good to me. For my case, I decided to have a bowl of chicken teriyaki and a plate of tekka maki rolls. As much as I want to get California maki, I can't since I'm not allowed to eat seafood (well except fish, due to religious beliefs)... so I intentionally ordered the tuna rolls.

CHICKEN TERIYAKI

TEKKA MAKI

I really had a nice full tummy after that delicious well, I couldn't ask for more. Even if it's a simple-looking meal, I didn't regret choosing to eat there. Plus, I didn't spend so much, despite ordering such type of meals... which are really more expensive when I buy in my favorite Asian restaurant back here in Manila. I had a nice "short visit" in LB, apart from seeing few of my fellow orgmates in our tambayan.. in Wing A of the IBS Building.

Add-ons:

The day before my visit to Elbi, I went back home with my Dad right after his "own office hours". Since I miss taking photos as of late, I think Madame Fenk (my digital camera), if she's a real person, she's probably pissed off at me for not hanging out with her anymore. So, due to that, I experimented with my iTouch's latest camera-app. - something called Leme, and decided to take some shots. Although I'm no official expertise on this field, I still love taking pictures, especially my favorite subjects - my cats, street lights and clouds, oh and food too. So, here's few of those experimental shots.

STREET LIGHTS [along Macapagal Avenue]

MY PHOTOGENIC CAT, LAX

MY FAVORITE MODEL

So, before I end this post, here's me, a snapshot while being the first passenger "alone" in the Alabang-Lawton bus. Yeah, forgive me for the uneven eyebags, haha! The red hue is not due to camea effects, it's thanks to the red curtain, creating that kind of ambience and color in this photo. Haha.

MANILA-BOUND

CLOTHES-HUNTER

I become a little knowledgeable about the world of clothes, bags and even shoes when I entered college. Before that, I'm always okay with wearing a loose shirt and jogging pants when there's a practice event in school. Even back in church, I mostly wear unflattering large blouse and denim long skirt. Since the university I was enrolled then has no uniform policy, I was forced to buy clothes for me to wear - acceptable clothes. Since then, I've become enlightened with wearing what I think suits me best and until now, I've been more courageous with trying and mixing stuff to wear in church or to other events (since med school has uniform). One thing I noticed... I prefer wearing shorts back in college... but lately, I'm also enjoying wearing pants although I only got 2 that I am comfortable wearing. How sad is that?

One might say that branded clothes are better, scouting the malls for the best looking dress or blouse or pants to wear. But in my part, I'm actually satisfied with wearing even if it's not from a well-known brand, as long as the material is okay, the sewn details are tight and I look good at it. When I buy clothes, I always think of options... like "what I can partner it with?", "what look will best suit wearing this".. and so on and on. I mostly buy new clothes on a monthly basis or if there's a special event.

But I'm more inclined to scouting my favorite ukay-ukay store to look for the cheap clothes that still look new (like checking the condition before buying). Plus, I buy clothes that for me have unique pieces incorporated in the look, not those same looks that I also encounter in the malls. So, here's some of them that I have bought and am happy with. 

The sparkling black ribbon and sleeves caught my eye on this one...I like the details of the blouse.

The mere fact that it is black and white plus cat print all over wins my attention.

LBD - the lacy zigzag see-through pattern on the upper half of the dress makes it classy with a touch of vintage.

Yes, no question about it... the zebra on both front and back in this long dress is win-win for me.

I actually bought it week before dance practice started this year.. it's cozy, poncho-like loose top with skulls-print.

What actually triggered me to buy this is that cute dainty ribbon, a pretty attraction for a plain sheer grey top. Plus, it can be an put over your beach bikini as a sexy cover-up, right?

I don't wear it that much often, I'm wearing for the cold season to really take its toll. It's comfy and long-sleeved, as well. The stars and good shade of blue caught my eye.

My dad is the least happy whenever he finds out that I bought another dress from the ukay-ukay store. He always tells me they're dirty. I for one actually clean them before wearing... put it in disinfection and laundry-clean stages. Also, I have a friend who is also not interested talking about curses and such. I don't know much about beliefs on ukay-ukay, but I only go to this one store which I trust, plus nothing happened bad.

It's actually fun to look at racks of clothes, may it be in ukay-ukay store or in the nearest shopping mall, especially during sale. There's nothing cool to grab an awesome dress with a discounted price, with your student budget, right?