This day proved to be a slap on my face.
Yes, I started it with a happy Fun Run experience with church friends. Along the day, I somehow realized how LACKING I am in life. I pale in comparison to those girl friends I have who are more mature than I am, more adept in household chores, more entertaining, more natural, more decent in attitude and character.
It irks me inside that even if I try, I always fall flat on the ground with my inconsistencies.
And at times, I often wonder, how many questions came to my mom's mind, hoping for a "better daughter". Someone she can rely best in household chores, in womanly duties. I know I have to equipped in this aspect of life, but all these years I've focused myself in doing good in academics, I slowly forgot the duties at home. I often complained out of frustration, out of lost time management, out of desperation to use most of the hours I have to study or read or review. And I know, it frustrates my mother as well having to carry the load at home all by herself. With me, rarely going home, and even if I go home, I am like a transient resident who comes and goes.
It pains me that I am like this. No matter how I try to be a good person, I know I am not genuinely THAT good as other people see me. I feel like there is a wall hiding the real me, and only my family knows the worse side of me. Even my brother tells me about my worst "attitude", my temper. Sometimes, I don't want to bond with them, feeling less of myself, feeling unworthy to be looked up to with younger generation within the church community when I am actually NOT of a real good example.
I've wanted to be the "perfect daughter". but since time can tell, I already failed in that category. Even the status of not-so-perfect daughter is unreachable, I feel like I should be swapped with a better person to fit in the family like a glove.
I am such an insecure woman I know. Even age can't prove a person's maturity.
I just hope I'd find my comfort in who I am and really work harder to be better.
I may not be the perfect daughter, but I just hope they see that deep inside is the daughter who loves them dearly, and who just thinks of her family all the time.
Even if actions don't speak that much, even if I don't get appreciated for the efforts, I just hope I'd be someone my family will be proud of someday.