MR. GENTLEMAN and MS. SENSITIVE

Amidst life of an irregular medical student, I still realize time is never to be wasted upon doing nothing. If better, I should be engaged in doing something, may it be inclined in academics (which is much, much better) or other stuff, like recreational or random interests at one point in time. But the real deal is, I always find myself either busy or wanting time to lengthen for a bit, just to give enough chance to finish something, like reading a chapter in Guyton. In such a hurry, one might think I don't notice everything else around me. Actually, it's the opposite. That very moment of being on a jeepney ride or an elevator, escalator or a van, gives me the chance to think, to ponder over random things on my head... or look at the passing scenery along the road, or at few times, glance at a cute little kid sitting beside her mommy. It becomes a relief, something that allows me to leave the toxic world for a while and just relax my mind. I try to be more positive in life, despite being a repeater, in the first place, to try plastering a real smile on my face, something that will get me by and beyond the rambling insecurities and gloominess of my depressed heart.

Yes. I am a sensitive person. Despite being talkative and too cheerful whenever I'm with close friends, I tend to be unapproachable when I'm walking alone, on the street or just across the medical building's hallway. I always overthink. What if it's not good to smile at him, when we haven't really been introduced properly? What if she thinks I'm assuming too much on the level of our friendship? Am I too possessive that she likes to be away from me during the day? Things like that go over my head and seriously, these thoughts will literally choke me for the rest of the day that I eventually end up being moody. That's how sensitive I can be. I tend to feel suddenly left alone... and I'll assume the worst from it. Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I don't belong... why I'm just like a passing drifter, never sticking to one group, never really belonging to a tight clique.

But between my inner shell of sensitivity and clashing worlds of medical school and reality, there lies that zone... where I still find something to make me think more. As if being a medical student is not nerve-wracking enough to use my brain, like in laboratory conferences, for an instance. Just yesterday, I left the dorm for my afternoon class, and unfortunately the weather was not really nice. It was raining hard, plus the wind was definitely strong, that it can rip my umbrella apart if I'm not careful enough. So, I stood at the streetside and waited for a jeepney that will take me to the university. To make the introduction short, I saw the jeepney and took the ride. Making my way towards the jeepney was already a fail. I forgot to open my umbrella so I got shock when I walked from the shed and across the street. And just when I wanted to open the umbrella, the wind forced it close, so I got too focused on opening it again. A horn blared and I realized I'm standing still in the middle of the street and a jeepney is already towards me. Trying to save myself, I slipped in the middle of that small distance between the two jeepneys just to get inside one of them. To make matters worse, just when I think I'm already safe, while inside the jeepney, I tried to look for a vacant seat, but the driver suddenly geared the jeepney forward, so I unfortunately succumbed to inertia. You know the feeling of being helpless and your weight just got sucked in downwards (thanks gravity!). Good heavens, someone supported me and it was a guy wearing all black. I was literally shocked and so embarrassed. Finally I got my seat which was across this guy who was my "lifesaver"... I don't know if I was able to really say thank you properly, though. That's when I realize, a gentleman is in front of me. And oh boy, a gentleman still exists. I felt like the luckiest girl in the planet, or just make it in that jeepney for discovering someone like him. I felt like in this world, in this recent time, only few gentleman exist. And I'm just very grateful, he was there when I had an unfortunate incident. So glad.

Thank you, Mr. Gentleman-in-Black, you literally saved a damsel in distress. Cheers!

THE COMPOSER

Music is my escape from everything. Well, it used to be reading a romantic novel, all cuddled up in my bed, forgetting everything else around me. But since I get stuck up with reading nothing except medical books and transes, I seek refuge from the stress by listening to a song, may it be gospel or some cheesy love song. In the end, I always feel much better.

But actually, it's not merely music that drives me away from insanity. It's mostly God who speaks to me through those soulful lyrics, like from a favorite church hymn I sing. It is Him who transcends His voice in me through the wonderfully written lyrics that strengthen me each day. When I miss reading the Bible, I end up listening to music instead. The words give me divine inspiration and mostly, a warm guiding pat on my back.

True enough, I've been exposed to gospel music since time can tell. Actually, I grew up listening to them and just got exposed to secular music when I reached the sixth grade in elementary. I sing secular now, not to mention those K-pop faves of mine, but I also love gospel songs. And beyond that, I love composing songs.

The problem lies in not being "talented enough" to incorporate my composition with an instrument. So, what I mean to say, is I compose song right from scratch, my own lyrics with my own melody in an instant, without any guidance of a piano or guitar accompaniment. It would have been better if I can, too, so I'd be like Taylor Swift or something. I'm not into being a famous girl, I just want to have the chance to voice out my words in music. But despite that, it didn't stop me from composing with own capabilities.

Honestly, I feel so accomplished today. The other night, I was up late but ended up composing a gospel song. The lyrics are not originally written by me, but by David, author of the book of Psalms. Yes, my song is divinely inspired by the Bible. That moment felt surreal, the melody just came out of my voice and it's somehow overwhelming when I actually finished it. I am not a good singer so I'm so keen in having my church friend sing it for me. And when it happened this morning, it's beyond happiness. It's like my intimate connection with God just step up another notch, to be able to sing praises to Him. It's a gratifying pleasure, especially coming from me, who personally thinks I lack in so many things when it comes to communicating with Him.

Composing is one of my hobbies, aside from writing. It feels great when you think your works can have a chance to be voiced out, and in so doing, be used to glorify God. I want to be used by Him but I always end up being scared that I won't do okay.. that I will just fail in whatever mission He gives me.

But as my friend told me today, "this probably is one of God's purpose for me...". And yes, I'd gladly accept and will not second-thought of composing songs for Him and Him only.

By the way, I don't have any idea how to patent my original song and the songs to come. We like to come up with a collection so the songs can be sung by our district youth members as a choir one day. :)

of June and Raph

I don't know them personally.
Yet, they seem to be part of the missing pieces in my life.
Cheesy much, but seriously, I'm really happy I've been fated to meet them.
Although we happened to be online buddies, contented for now in chatting, I'm always excited to see them online.
They make me smile, laugh and just treat me as if they've also known me for so long.
They're the kind of people I missed growing up with, the friends I wanted to be with.
It' a fair chance that I met them separately but I never thought they are actually connected (their hearts are).

June.
She's witty, funny and pretty.
She has this strong personality despite the very being she has grown up with.
She inspires me to live, to feel contented, to feel blessed.
I love her, completely and no, I'm no lesbian or else Raph is the one strangling me.
Haha.

Raph.
He's the horny little Frenchie who is my pseud0 big brother, I wish he's the real one.
He's nice, sings good (I've seen his youtube performance), very sweet and French.
Oh, did I forget he's an ultimate Frenchie hunk?
Yes, he is.
June is one lucky bitch. (giggles)

Okay.
I'm just saying I am blessed I have them now in my life, though not in physical aspect.
They made me feel less alone.
And with that, meeting them is a gift I won't trade with anyone else.

If I get to travel the world in the distant future, I'll make sure to meet them, hug them and show them the happiness they've evoke in me.

I love you June and Raph.
This is my crappy but cheesy, oh and heartfelt tribute letter to the both of you.
And no, the two are alive and kicking.
:)

headlines

I obtained this sacred information.
I won't tell it yet.
I promised I will keep it a secret.
But.
I love this new information.
It made my day complete.
I am happy.
I am thankful.
I am blessed.

If only, another good news will come by again.
Tomorrow.

appreciate me more!

Being appreciated is the most wonderful thing for me. But it does not require drastic measures such as trophy or gifts or awards. A simple word of appreciation will do. Yet, in this world I lived in, appreciation is taken for granted. People I met think that appreciation is never needed as long as you get what you wanted. As long as everything goes well. In my case, I do not need constant murmurs of appreciation. I want to feel it as well. It does not matter if I do not hear it every time I do something for that person, just a small hint that he or she is grateful, that is already a heartwarming sensation for me.

In life, appreciation has helped a lot, in boosting one's self-esteem or encouraging one's dream. Acknowledging one's good efforts, may it be heroism or genuine help, gives a positive eye on gratitude. Gratitude is one value that we must bear in our heart and mind. Being thankful for what we have is contentment. And being contented is what gives more meaning to life. And life is much beautiful if we learn how to be appreciative. In every corner of our life, as we look back to the past, look forward in the future and dwell on the present, the gift of appreciation must be magnified. There is so much to appreciate - staying alive, having good health, meeting true friends and more. Why would we focus more on what we do not have when we could already be happy with what we have? And why would we cease to appreciate someone when we know he or she is worthy of being appreciated?

It is just a case of taking the lead - the initiative to open up your mouth and speak words of appreciation. What an effect it could do for someone! And what an effect it could do to you too! Now, it is year 2009, is it better to be more appreciative then? Why don't we start by saying how much we are thankful for those people who have been watching your back for the longest time? They may be your parents, grandparents or close friends. Stop for a while and say "Thank you". You'll never know what those words will do for them.

A million thanks for those who are reading and visiting my blog. Happy New Year!