THIN LINE: Friendship and beyond

I've always treasured the essence of friendship.

But through the years passed, I've had my share of ups and downs, friends have come and gone, and there I was, finding myself, wondering what I did wrong.

I always see myself as emotionally attached. Probably, over-bearing when it comes to treating the people I care for. I get the sentimentality that it's always a one-sided relationship, I care, they don't. End of discussion.

And through the passing times, I learnt to put up this wall that I dare not let anyone really penetrate in.

Yes, on the outside, I seemed to be approachable, outgoing, hyper, but actually, all those people I interacted with, I never really "opened up" to them. It's like a mirage of different faces, walking past by me. When before  I was keen on pleasing everybody just to keep those friends around, I decided to turn the tables and cared less. The over-all process resulted to loneliness and regret. Those college friends were part of my life, yet, I was never one to really connect with them. It's all superficial smiles and cheerful chitchats, but I know deep down, there was never a solid foundation.

True enough, I never had a group of friends I can really call on to after I graduated. No regular text or invitation to dine out or just simply bond. Maybe it's a lazy aspect on my part not to take an effort, or maybe a fear in me that stopped me from trying again.

But, God has been so good to me, giving me another opportunity to find my confidence and open my heart once again. Through Med school, I've gained new friends, but because of certain circumstances, I didn't manage to really have that tight connection. Tension arose and friendships were tested.

Yet, God, lovingly guided me into the fold of my real family, the youth in the district. I have been testing the worldly waters for so long, I fail to realize the genuine people who have surrounded me from the start. Through these special people, slowly the walls have crumbled down and I let them in. Through them, I managed to climb back up again and reach out to people I interact with in Medicine school. 

And now, there's this one special person who I treasure very much.

Because of that, I decided to build a wall again... not the same wall I've built for the past years.

It's a wall to detach myself from "falling for him"...

There's always a thin line between friendship and beyond. Yet, when you look at it closely and weigh what is more important, you'd rather let go of one to treasure the other one. You can never hold onto both, because one mistake, you might lose one of them.

I am afraid to lose him, yes.

Just like how I am afraid to lose those special friends who have become major pieces of the puzzle that complete who I am.

Despite my over-bearing, insecure and emotionally attached self, they never left and cared more.

With that, my life is more beautiful as it was before.

More challenging, I may say, because tests and challenges are always part of growing up and nurturing a genuine friendship.

Yet, I am truly grateful God has given me this chance to know them, to be friends with them, to love them.

And no matter how crazy my world is, how tempting to walk past that thin line...

the mere fact that they matter so much more to me leave me to thinking..

Is it worth the risk of losing them just to satisfy my personal desires?

I have to say NO, because friendship for me, at this very special moment, matters more than my bottled feelings of love.

It can wait.

As God has patiently woven me to have the kind of life and friendship I'm enjoying right now.

LOVE can wait...

Slowly Falling.... Guided by God's Gentle Hands

Even if you want to stay friends, sometimes, you get overwhelmed and began falling for that person.

And FAST.

It's really so hard to leave a statement when you can never be sure of what will happen next in the days to come. When you thought you could never like that person, you'd end up thinking about him before you succumb to sleep. When you thought you will never like his personality, you'd end up appreciating every little detail of his likes and dislikes, to the extend of realizing you have similarities in the long run.

When you think you'd just be happy being friends with him, you'd crave for more... and more, until you'd never be so contented to have him look at you "just as a friend".

I am grateful that earlier this year, I was able to find my stable self, not as a hundred percent perfectly built, but this year, I've found a fresh new aura around me, in me, with me. I began anew with God, I dished off my principle of finding happiness through a man and vowed not to let a man rule over my heart and mind.

I learnt a valuable lesson of finding happiness and confidence first before even letting myself fall completely for a man.

And God is indeed a wonderful Father, for He guided me, His daughter to find a man, in a slow crucial step-by-step process. Indeed, when comparing to my last entry, I felt relieved that I haven't lost my focus nor my control. I didn't let selfish desires lead me to make rash decisions I will regret in the later years. I'm grateful I have friends who have been a supportive pillar, who helped me continually connect to that confidence I've gained for the past months... and I'm happy that God has been guiding me through and through.

Truly, prayers are miraculous answers to your silent inquiries and desires.

God works in mysterious ways, yet He enlightened you with answers as long as you're willing to understand and abide by His will.

It's not about what you want, but what God wants the best for you.

And I willingly surrendered my heart to God's gentle, reassuring hands, letting Him guide me to that man, if He intends to....

That man...

I already see him as the man for me, yet I can't yet be sure if I am completely in love with him.

I still want to stay humbly as his friend, gaining his trust and finding his companion a treasure I've never regret I've come to enjoy.

I am so happy he finally opened up to me, unlike those previous random conversations which mostly comprise of food, food... and yes, food.

Funny, but still I enjoyed those comical talks we had... but this past weekend, he finally told me more than FOOD... and in person.

Imagine the happiness and gratitude that swelled in my heart... yes, I am indeed happy.

It's true and I can say with confidence... though the past months have been slowly progressive... every second has been worth the wait.

And whatever God has plan for the next year to come, I'd be patiently waiting... as I've done for the past months.

Yes, I am slowly falling for him more and more.... but what's so good about it, I'm not alone... I've been gently guided by God's hands. <3 font="font">

AMEN! :)

In God's Perfect Timing

I tried to hold onto that belief that God is indeed writing the best love story for me, I just have to wait and be patient.

And I've never thought that there will come a day when I'll actually open up to the idea of really finding that man, of really seeing one person as that man God has intended me to have.

Close friends knew of my insecurity. My family knew of my somewhat low esteem when it comes to finding that confidence in myself. I knew it in me that I don't trust the idea someone will actually fall in love with me, choose me over other girls, love me for who I am.

You might think, I've already found my own love story, but I'm actually treading towards one. I suppose, this year has taught me so many things that my perspective on finding love isn't as complicated as how I pictured it before. Back then, I was clinging to the idea that I need a man to make me happy... to make me feel complete or make me feel that I am special. I realized, no it's not like that. I need to find myself first, and be happy with who I am, love myself before I can really understand love. I need to find real love, which is in Christ Jesus before I find it in myself to really love someone. I've understood more that you can never find the answer if you take matters into your hands... let God lead the way, and you're assured on the right track.

Just like what's happening to me lately. I'm not in a hurry to put things in order and affirm myself that 'yes, we have a future'. You can say I've started liking someone, someone who I believed God wanted me to meet for a certain reason. Whatever purpose it might be, one thing is clear... he is not someone who causes me to walk astray from God's course. The amazing thing is, he leads me to know him in a good way, no physical involvement, just the way he prioritizes God and family over any other personal desires... has won me over.

Our first encounter started with nothing, yet God ignited a friendship I never thought I will have with him. The process was slow, patiently-woven by God's guiding fingers, but the truth is, I'm never in a hurry. I know God wanted me to learn the value of patience, and in this case, it's surely teaching me. I tried not to take actions rashly, just because I'm afraid to lose him... and I'm afraid to walk ahead of God's plans.

We never really touched hands except a one time quick shaking of hands. We never talked so much beyond personal background, but we always joked around. I don't even know his real age, but his passion for sports caught my attention. His firm integrity, on prioritizing family and church service over own enjoyment... led me to like him more and more. I didn't think of him more than a friend months ago and I can't finish the sentence by saying I am in love with him now. I like him, yes... and I intend to focus on strengthening my friendship with him rather than creating a romantic relationship at once.

I really have no idea what he thinks of me. I'm scared that I'll get too attached at once, since I am a sensitive person, afraid I might fall too soon if I don't be careful. Yet it is a breathtaking relief that when you put the matters of your heart in God's hands and pray for it earnestly, He will indeed guide you. I never prayed specifically for love before, and even now, I don't, but a simple honest prayer of asking guidance in our friendship and whatever will happen beyond is encouraging, knowing that He knows what is the best for both of us.

I remember reading in Messages to Young People, about the important question you asked when you're thinking over marrying someone, and it can be be synched with a case of liking someone.

Will that person take you closer to Christ?

Simple, yet really relevant. Will that person be heaven-sent or a stumbling block to your faith? Will loving him or her encourage you and not distract you from your obligations, responsibilities and entrusted work in the Lord's mission? If yes, then he is the man God has sent to be your life partner. If not, you might have to think and ponder over it, since having partnership with someone who might lead you away from God, is not a good idea.

I have to say, God is just so amazing. He lets me experience this kind of situation in a slow manner, without any rush. He waited for me to really find my confidence, my desire to serve Him without doubts in my mind and heart, He led me pursue a life dedicated to Him, before letting my heart beat again for a certain someone.

I believe in God's perfect timing.

And right now, I am in His hands. Whatever He has in store for me, I am assured it's all in accordance to His plans. My heart is ready and willing... and if He leads me to him... then one thing will be clear, he will be the partner God has called to be my constant companion as we strive to a life solely consecrated to serving God.

Amen!

HEARTY UPDATE: SNOWMAN AND ME

I've never been too open with my hidden feelings for him. Only few knows the real score, only few who understands my real emotions towards him. I'm always scared of too many people discovering the truth, how I'm painstakingly denying the fact, that... most probably, I'm still liking him way too much.

It's a good thing, I think, that I don't see him that much compared to last year. It has been a year now since I accidentally fell for him, more than year when I met him for the first time... I can still remember those short memories I've spent with him, as a stranger, as an acquaintance, as a classmate, as a schoolmate... as a "supposedly-to-be-friend".

It's funny that our relationship comprises of inconsistent peaks, going up in rare moments, then going down most of the time. There were those times when we literally greet each other, where we acknowledge each other's presence. And most of the time, it was an ordeal, trying to find the courage to say a simple hello, or wave a little at him. And every rare moment I saw him with her... it's like one little pointed needle, pricking my heart deep and hard.

He is out of my league, I am sure of that. And I have to blame myself for losing my cool... and losing my confidence in just randomly greeting him. When in fact, we already know each other and it seems both of us have decided to just let go of that. He never did say hi to me again, and I am sure, it's because of me. The mere image I project towards him probably pushed him away... farther away from my reach. Yeah, such a good act on my part.

I kept on telling my roommate I have moved on, or rather, I AM MOVING ON. Moving on from what, you may ask, when we haven't been in any relationship? Moving on from hoping too much... that he's meant for me. Funny that I even thought of that, in the first place, I didn't put any effort to get closer to him. Or I've always known from the beginning there's no way he'll fall for me. Yes, that would be it. There's no way he will.

I am scared to really fall in love. Cases such as these are the reasons why. Liking someone then running away when he gets near, scared out of my wits, all because I'm way drowning in my pool of insecurities and fears. It's rather a good thing to find my own self first and learn to love me, all of me before letting go. If not, I'd probably be all broken when I fall and kept on falling in the end... without no one catching me.

I'm just happy actually because he liked a status in my Facebook wall which I just posted an hour ago. I'm actually surprised he did that, then I realized I liked a status of him minutes before he did that. So, I'm wondering if it's just an act of give-and-return relationship, or something like that. But still, I'm just glad... there were so many first time happenings that I've encountered when it comes to him. 

Mr. Snowman, thank you.

PO4: REUNITED

PO4 - name of our "group" [actually stands for Power of Four]

It has been months since we got together like this. I didn't expect that A and R will actually be there in the church. A didn't even tell me when I texted her the other night. But then again, I love good surprises and felt so happy seeing them again.

They're my close companions in church, someone who understand me well, someone who knows my limits and my strengths. I'm so happy to spend some quality time with them, even just for a short time. L is still a constant companion, but it's different if four of us are together.

So, after church services, we dived fast to taking photos. We just love that. Even though, our background isn't appealing as we hoped it would be, since we're located in the second floor of our church building (which is still in the making). But anyways, I had so much fun.

*photo spam in 4, 3, 2, 1.....*

Invisible

I've never been in a normal relationship. To have a boyfriend who you can call or text, flirt and have fun with, be the best of friend you can rely on and the feel like the luckiest girl alive, walking down the streets, hand in hand. Tackling this issue is rather depressing, when in fact I'm one heck of an insecure girl who is just undeniably, a hopeless romantic. I've always dreamed of different scenarios I'd be with the guy I love, but nonetheless, none has ever turned up into reality.

I am not the type of girl who collects crushes, unless it's celebrity crush. I would probably have more than one, I admit. But when it comes to real crush, I'd spend most of the time just looking at a certain someone. That someone who not only caught my eyes, but also my heart off-guard. That special someone who will have no inkling whatsoever that there's this girl, silently watching him from afar.

Yeah and that girl would be me. The invisible girl. The wallpaper. I may be loud, happy-go-lucky but only few have determined my "heart" when it comes to assessing my real feelings for a guy. My closest church friend seemed to be afraid for me if I do enter a real relationship one day. She's scared that I might fall too hard and have a difficult time to come back up, if there will ever come a time that such relationship will come to a bitter end.

Right now, I'm in love with someone. He doesn't know. And I don't want him to know. I've learned from my few experiences that letting the person you like know about your feelings will push a friendship in an ugly state. I lost a close friend back in college because of that. The second time it happened, I'm lucky that we still talk now, this guy I fell in love with two years ago. I was just like any other hopeful girl, thinking she's the one who will change him for the better. But alas, I wasn't the girl meant for him, he's now in a happy relationship with someone and I'm genuinely happy for him.

And now, this current guy I'm in love with is actually taken. Yeah, I've always expected things like that to happen. I never learned. It's not a good deal to fall in love with guys way out of my league. He's not even my ideal type, I don't know what actually happened, I just realized that I like him. It ended in a rollercoaster ride of trying to get his attention to giving up, then to a sudden miraculous twist to our friendship then back again to nothing. It just feels weird that I still try to get close to him but I fearfully backed out whenever I see him with her. Seeing the girl whom I know actually fits her, they're a perfect pair. No one can deny that fact. It might be not that hard to accept, but inside of me, I want to just magically change into this prettier girl so I can have him. So that he will notice me.

Indeed, such jealousy is not good. I'm sure he doesn't even see more than an acquaintance, a passing time, a student he can just say hi and hello once in a while. Just like those other guys who have come and go in my life, no one ever looked at me beyond a fleeting glance for a stranger, a friend or an acquaintance. No one.

A nagging prick in my pathetic dignity, it's such a depressing thought. I just have this simple wish, that one day, someone will look at me specially. One day, I won't have this try-hard attitude to be happy, to be okay when I'm not, when all along, I just feel like I'm a withering flower in need of attention. It sucks to be an underdog, that whatever you do, you're always less appreciated than others. People will only see one-fourths of what you are, of who you are and that's it...

Maybe, I got too much of inconsistencies in my life right now. There's too much unsaid musings, fears, insecurities continually eating me alive... there's too much nagging thoughts I don't want to dwell with, truthfully.

To be loved and appreciated genuinely is all I ever wanted. To find that certain contentment in my heart is what I dream to achieve in time...

K-POP FEVER

There have been so many happenings in my life for the past year. I'm sad though that I haven't "thought" of ranting them all out here. At least, I'd get to refresh my memories when I read them time and time again. But alas, no time for regrets so let's move on.

I am an irregular medical student. Boo hoo. But we'll talk about it next time. I'm not in the mood to dwell much in depression and disappointments. Let's talk about my latest addiction. Well, it's not really an addiction.. but maybe, it is.

I fell in love with the Korean pop music. Well, at first it was just purely POP, you know, those boy and girl dance groups singing and dancing at the same time. Then, in a steady development, I got deeper into knowing about them and fell in love with those other artists who sing ballad and not just pop. Plus, I searched the treasure islands (I mean K-pop blog sites) where I can search information, latest songs and fashion, and even news about my favorite artists.

So, in all honesty, I am a K-pop lover BUT not an official fan member of any fan club, though. I just can't pick one, that's why.

Continuing with what I am spazzing about, I'll offer you a list of some of those K-pop artists I just adore.. not just "physically" but more on "vocally". I'm that type of girl who craves for the vocal talent and not just the looks.


1. Daesung (Bigbang)

He started off as the underdog member of Bigbang since there have been negative comments that swarmed him, talks like "he's not as handsome as the other members". But ever since I discover Bigbang (which by the way is really really a popular and successful boy group since 2006), he quickly got my attention. There's something in his smile and his humor that seemed to pull you in. Plus, if you hear his voice, you'll just be blown away. He's not just a pop singer, he's good at trot, as well, and is acting. Although, there has been an incident that has pulled him back from the music scene, I just hope he'll recover and return back as a stronger person and will FINALLY perform and record a solo album (since the other members have done it already! YG, give him a chance!!!), I'm sure he'll just capture my heart.

2. GO (MBLAQ)

He emerged in the music scene as part of five-membered crew of MBLAQ under J.Tune Entertainment, which, by the way is headed by the superstar himself, RAIN. Kicking that aside (haha!), GO captured my attention with his "signature look", a mustache that seemed to have worked its magic to many fans. But he got rid of it with their second album and still wowed his female noona fans, nevertheless. Aside from being "hot" and physically fit (he can do the Nike move expertly), his vocals are amazing. His voice just seemed to rock you in a sweet lullaby as he sings a mellow love song or a good pick-me-upper when he sings a happy upbeat song with the other guys.

3. CL (2NE1)

2NE1 has become one of the outstanding K-pop artists in the music scene as of late, with their unique display of fashion, outstanding songs, crazy interesting music videos and explosive stage performances. No wonder, Blackjacks (official fan club) just can't get enough of their girls. My favorite song is I Don't Care, I'm just addicted to that song. But I'm more into is CL, the badass leader and mean rapper of the group. She just screams "total performer is on loose, baby" whenever she gets onstage or gets on screen for their music videos. She's a natural-born performer, she lives to perform and to make it more than a hundred percent good. I thought she's just good at rapping, not much in singing, but she got it in her. Her vocals is good and she knows how to express each song with such charisma, drama and creativity. So, hands down, Miss Chaerin!

4. Hyunseung (B2ST)

In all honesty, I just discovered about B2ST this year. And since then, I liked them, most especially Hyunseung. He is supposed to be a Bigbang member, but sadly got eliminated but find his way again to the music scene through Cube Entertainment as he became part of B2ST. Although vocal-wise, Yoseob is the one garnering much attention, I have to say, Hyunseung's got stable vocals, as well. It doesn't sound whiny or forced, I enjoy listening to him sing. Plus, I just adore his personality... he is something. He's not your normal, regular guy and I find it very irresistible.

5. Jiyoon (4Minute)

When 4Minute debuted, they were quickly compared to 2NE1. With all honesty, I kind of compared them but ended up liking them when I saw their music video for "What a Girl Wants". I love their adorable personalities, but recently, they go more for that "sexy look" appeal which works for them. She's one of my favorites in the group, her and Gayoon, since both of them are powerful vocalists. They can hit the high notes and still look so good, especially Jiyoon. She's more like the CL-type, you know, badass, sexy chic who can rap and sing.
...

There's so much more artists that I adore in the Korean music scene, as well as celebrities (actors/actresses), plus those variety shows that I just find hard not to watch. I hope you are interested in K-pop, but if not, oh well, I just hope you don't go bashing them or whatever. Haha. Peace.

of June and Raph

I don't know them personally.
Yet, they seem to be part of the missing pieces in my life.
Cheesy much, but seriously, I'm really happy I've been fated to meet them.
Although we happened to be online buddies, contented for now in chatting, I'm always excited to see them online.
They make me smile, laugh and just treat me as if they've also known me for so long.
They're the kind of people I missed growing up with, the friends I wanted to be with.
It' a fair chance that I met them separately but I never thought they are actually connected (their hearts are).

June.
She's witty, funny and pretty.
She has this strong personality despite the very being she has grown up with.
She inspires me to live, to feel contented, to feel blessed.
I love her, completely and no, I'm no lesbian or else Raph is the one strangling me.
Haha.

Raph.
He's the horny little Frenchie who is my pseud0 big brother, I wish he's the real one.
He's nice, sings good (I've seen his youtube performance), very sweet and French.
Oh, did I forget he's an ultimate Frenchie hunk?
Yes, he is.
June is one lucky bitch. (giggles)

Okay.
I'm just saying I am blessed I have them now in my life, though not in physical aspect.
They made me feel less alone.
And with that, meeting them is a gift I won't trade with anyone else.

If I get to travel the world in the distant future, I'll make sure to meet them, hug them and show them the happiness they've evoke in me.

I love you June and Raph.
This is my crappy but cheesy, oh and heartfelt tribute letter to the both of you.
And no, the two are alive and kicking.
:)

frustrated writer

I love to write.
I have a stack of unfinished stories saved in my laptop, and in our home PC (which were erased because of someone we thought was good in fixing computers!).

O well, right now, my "writer" personality is working again, even if I'm supposed to be busy with my academics, now that I am graduating. Yet, it's inevitable. My love for writing still surfaces.

That is why I am happy that I bumped into FictionPress.com, a website for people who wanted to submit and publish their written fictional stories online. It's a good thing because I wanted to publish mine which were just saved in my laptop.

I have been publishing stories in Fanfiction.net, but stories were, of course, fanfictional, where the characters are based on anime characters, or other existing characters already famous around the world, as seen in published novels and manga.

So, discovering FictionPress is like a door opening for me, for someone like me, a frustrated writer. And I hope, you can also try it out and wake up that sleeping "writer" character in you.

Passion.
Writing.
Dreaming.

on and off

It was a struggling decision when I confessed.
Even though it was not personally executed, it was emotional.
That time, I decided to step away..
from the world we both share.
Seeing one another was like fate entangling us both.
I am not trying to tie the rope of our hearts together..
so I continued hiding, staying away.
But life sure has its own makings and we met again on the crossroad.
Touch, the consent, the acceptance..
the choice of erasing what has been said and done.
To save something, you have to sacrifice.
My heart is settled, I guess.
The mere feeling of your hand entertwined in the strands of my hair.
That proves I'm still part of you.
And you to me.
I should be contented, not selfish.

We may not be lovers.
We're friends.
That's how it is supposed to be, right?

Out of the Blue I

“Will you let me court you?”

I stood dumbfounded in front of the guy who just asked me that. Meg who was with me at that time was also shocked and was silent behind my back. After a minute of silence, I smiled warily and decided to leave without a word. He stopped me, walking in front of, trying to get my attention.

“Will you stop joking around?” I finally blurted out. He was with friends of his who were all guys and were just watching us as they sat comfortably beside the store where we were already making a scene.

“I’m serious.” His face was indeed serious, but I just cannot understand what came into his mind to question me out of the blue. Honestly, we’re not even acquaintances, but yes, he is a familiar face to me.

“We’re late for class, so will you please excuse us?” I walked past him with Meg tagging along, who still seemed confused to what had just occurred.

“Do you know him?” She asked when finally we escaped the guy’s efforts of stopping us again. We hurried along outside the gate and into the campus. The siren already echoed, announcing eight o’clock in the morning.

“I’m familiar with his face, yes, but we were never acquainted.” Frowning, I tried to erase the scene from my mind as I changed the subject of our conversation. We went to our respective classes and decided to meet again for lunch.
--
I was walking along the street, on my way to the apartment when I sensed that someone was following me. Thinking that my paranoia was already striking so early in the morning, I decided not to turn around to investigate. Seconds later, a shadow passed beside me but I didn’t notice at once, since my eyes were trained on my phone.

“Who is so important that you have to text?” The familiar voice prompted me to abruptly look sideways. It was that same guy who wanted to court me this morning. And when I was already forgetting what happened, he’s actually with me.

“Shut up. Leave me alone, will you?” Pissed off, I walked a bit faster, trying to push him away. He just followed me silently with that stupid smile on his face.

“I just want to talk to you, you know. You don’t have to be so hard-to-get.” He mused, smiling at me when I stopped walking and faced him.

I breathed in and out before I speak. “I don’t even know you. And who the hell are you to tell me I’m being hard-to-get? I don’t even like you tagging along with me. Just leave me alone!” Not knowing what to do next, I suddenly hit his shoulder with my clenched fist out of exasperation. He was surprised but I left him standing alone, running my way to the apartment.

I felt my tears forming in the corner of my eyes as I rushed inside my second home. Trying to relax, I sat down, at the same time, rubbing my aching forehead.

“What the hell is his problem anyway?” I muttered. What I knew about him, but still I’m not sure too, is that he is a member of a fraternity. That’s all I know about that guy since I always saw him hanging at that same store this morning with a group of guys.

A message came in my phone so I hurriedly open to read it. The message was short and it came from someone whose number is not registered in my phonebook.

I am sorry. Can you let me make up for what I did? – Howard.

I read it again and again and wondered who is Howard, and don’t want to think that he is that guy just a while ago. But it looked like he is that guy since I can’t think of a Howard who I personally knew and did something bad to me. I put the phone on the table and tried to think of what to do – reply or just leave the message alone. Before I can even decide, my phone rang and Howard is already calling.

“What?” I spat when I answered the phone, which I can’t believe I did. Maybe it was out of surprise or out of curiosity for this guy, I don’t care anymore.

“I am really sorry. I didn’t mean to piss you off. Will you go out with me for dinner tonight?” His manly voice was enticing, the invitation seemed innocent, and my irritation towards him just melted after hearing his voice on the phone. Talk about irony, so I found myself seconds after agreeing to meet him at seven in the evening. And I’ll ask him how he got my number when I realized I forgot to ask after ending the call. Wondering what will happen tonight, I mused at my stupidity while climbing upstairs to rest for a while.

Falling in Love - Yes or No?

*This is an original article written last September 05, 2009*



If only the reality in falling in love can be taught inside the classroom, then I would not second-thought to attend that kind of class. If there can be a subject where a person can be instructed how to fall in love correctly and not to fall in love in the wrong time, then I would do everything to enrol in that course. But honestly, there aren’t that many opportunities to learn about love just within the four corners of your classroom. You get to know face-to-face what love is and learn from it when you actually become either a victim or the suspect of the “crime of falling in love”. You can never teach yourself unless you get to experience it. LOVE is such a maze you just can’t figure out. But, if we’re talking about God’s love, then it’s one different thing.

God’s love is never a question. It was there in the beginning, in our present and will last beyond our future. Many will doubt its existence but still it burns alive. Though you may be brokenhearted when your boyfriend broke up with you, but God will never leave you. You may run away from Him, but He is always there. He will never be the unforgiving lover that you once had. He will be that perfect Guy who will protect you, despite not seeing His physical presence. Few remain faithful to Him, but He never ceases to shower His love on His people. And that, is one perfect love, nothing can defeat.

So, in our case, in the worldly love we try to hold on to, there are so many conflicts. Are we sure we are with the right person? Does he really love you? Is she contented being with you? Doubts arise when we fail to be contented. When we can’t stop worrying, we start to panic and lose our confidence, not only to the person we love, but to ourselves. It’s never bad to have the benefit of the doubt, but if we push it to grow and grow, we’ll never step away from that stage. Relationships begin to falter when doubt comes in. We are not perfect so we are easily influenced by whatever thoughts swirling in our heads. Even the real definition of love becomes a blur, no one really cares, as long as they carry that piece of information that they are in love.

Before, I was in love with the thought of being in love. I always imagine myself in the arms of someone that I will call my “boyfriend”. Yet, with instances in the past of falling in love with the wrong guy, I realize that I was actually forcing myself to fall, in order to find that “someone” I will love. I never thought that I am pushing myself to a path where there is no more left or right turn. It was an eye-opener for me when I made that reassessment. Now, I am happy even if I am single. I am with good friends. And in time, I will find that LOVE waiting for me, as I wait patiently for it. But, love is actually everywhere, you can feel its warmth from your parents, siblings, best of friends or even from your pet animals. Yet, the love people find is from that person they want to cherish forever.

It’s never wrong to fall in love. It is a part of one’s life. If you have it, grab it and treasure it. If love has not come your way yet, do not force yourself to fall in love. You will never find happiness in that way. I am not your love guru, but one thing is for sure, I am not in love with the mere thought of being in love. I am actually happy now that I am not in love. Why? There are so many things to explore and I can still feel the love in my world. Maybe not from a special someone, but from people who I know will cherish me beyond words can express. And with that, I am blessed.