I've always treasured the essence of friendship.
But through the years passed, I've had my share of ups and downs, friends have come and gone, and there I was, finding myself, wondering what I did wrong.
I always see myself as emotionally attached. Probably, over-bearing when it comes to treating the people I care for. I get the sentimentality that it's always a one-sided relationship, I care, they don't. End of discussion.
And through the passing times, I learnt to put up this wall that I dare not let anyone really penetrate in.
Yes, on the outside, I seemed to be approachable, outgoing, hyper, but actually, all those people I interacted with, I never really "opened up" to them. It's like a mirage of different faces, walking past by me. When before I was keen on pleasing everybody just to keep those friends around, I decided to turn the tables and cared less. The over-all process resulted to loneliness and regret. Those college friends were part of my life, yet, I was never one to really connect with them. It's all superficial smiles and cheerful chitchats, but I know deep down, there was never a solid foundation.
True enough, I never had a group of friends I can really call on to after I graduated. No regular text or invitation to dine out or just simply bond. Maybe it's a lazy aspect on my part not to take an effort, or maybe a fear in me that stopped me from trying again.
But, God has been so good to me, giving me another opportunity to find my confidence and open my heart once again. Through Med school, I've gained new friends, but because of certain circumstances, I didn't manage to really have that tight connection. Tension arose and friendships were tested.
Yet, God, lovingly guided me into the fold of my real family, the youth in the district. I have been testing the worldly waters for so long, I fail to realize the genuine people who have surrounded me from the start. Through these special people, slowly the walls have crumbled down and I let them in. Through them, I managed to climb back up again and reach out to people I interact with in Medicine school.
And now, there's this one special person who I treasure very much.
Because of that, I decided to build a wall again... not the same wall I've built for the past years.
It's a wall to detach myself from "falling for him"...
There's always a thin line between friendship and beyond. Yet, when you look at it closely and weigh what is more important, you'd rather let go of one to treasure the other one. You can never hold onto both, because one mistake, you might lose one of them.
I am afraid to lose him, yes.
Just like how I am afraid to lose those special friends who have become major pieces of the puzzle that complete who I am.
Despite my over-bearing, insecure and emotionally attached self, they never left and cared more.
With that, my life is more beautiful as it was before.
More challenging, I may say, because tests and challenges are always part of growing up and nurturing a genuine friendship.
Yet, I am truly grateful God has given me this chance to know them, to be friends with them, to love them.
And no matter how crazy my world is, how tempting to walk past that thin line...
the mere fact that they matter so much more to me leave me to thinking..
Is it worth the risk of losing them just to satisfy my personal desires?
I have to say NO, because friendship for me, at this very special moment, matters more than my bottled feelings of love.
It can wait.
As God has patiently woven me to have the kind of life and friendship I'm enjoying right now.
LOVE can wait...