Not-so-perfect Daughter

This day proved to be a slap on my face.
Yes, I started it with a happy Fun Run experience with church friends. Along the day, I somehow realized how LACKING I am in life. I pale in comparison to those girl friends I have who are more mature than I am, more adept in household chores, more entertaining, more natural, more decent in attitude and character.

It irks me inside that even if I try, I always fall flat on the ground with my inconsistencies.
And at times, I often wonder, how many questions came to my mom's mind, hoping for a "better daughter". Someone she can rely best in household chores, in womanly duties. I know I have to equipped in this aspect of life, but all these years I've focused myself in doing good in academics, I slowly forgot the duties at home. I often complained out of frustration, out of lost time management, out of desperation to use most of the hours I have to study or read or review. And I know, it frustrates my mother as well having to carry the load at home all by herself. With me, rarely going home, and even if I go home, I am like a transient resident who comes and goes.

It pains me that I am like this. No matter how I try to be a good person, I know I am not genuinely THAT good as other people see me. I feel like there is a wall hiding the real me, and only my family knows the worse side of me. Even my brother tells me about my worst "attitude", my temper. Sometimes, I don't want to bond with them, feeling less of myself, feeling unworthy to be looked up to with younger generation within the church community when I am actually NOT of a real good example.

I've wanted to be the "perfect daughter". but since time can tell, I already failed in that category. Even the status of not-so-perfect daughter is unreachable, I feel like I should be swapped with a better person to fit in the family like a glove.

 I am such an insecure woman I know. Even age can't prove a person's maturity.
I just hope I'd find my comfort in who I am and really work harder to be better.
I may not be the perfect daughter, but I just hope they see that deep inside is the daughter who loves them dearly, and who just thinks of her family all the time.
Even if actions don't speak that much, even if I don't get appreciated for the efforts, I just hope I'd be someone my family will be proud of someday.

THIN LINE: Friendship and beyond

I've always treasured the essence of friendship.

But through the years passed, I've had my share of ups and downs, friends have come and gone, and there I was, finding myself, wondering what I did wrong.

I always see myself as emotionally attached. Probably, over-bearing when it comes to treating the people I care for. I get the sentimentality that it's always a one-sided relationship, I care, they don't. End of discussion.

And through the passing times, I learnt to put up this wall that I dare not let anyone really penetrate in.

Yes, on the outside, I seemed to be approachable, outgoing, hyper, but actually, all those people I interacted with, I never really "opened up" to them. It's like a mirage of different faces, walking past by me. When before  I was keen on pleasing everybody just to keep those friends around, I decided to turn the tables and cared less. The over-all process resulted to loneliness and regret. Those college friends were part of my life, yet, I was never one to really connect with them. It's all superficial smiles and cheerful chitchats, but I know deep down, there was never a solid foundation.

True enough, I never had a group of friends I can really call on to after I graduated. No regular text or invitation to dine out or just simply bond. Maybe it's a lazy aspect on my part not to take an effort, or maybe a fear in me that stopped me from trying again.

But, God has been so good to me, giving me another opportunity to find my confidence and open my heart once again. Through Med school, I've gained new friends, but because of certain circumstances, I didn't manage to really have that tight connection. Tension arose and friendships were tested.

Yet, God, lovingly guided me into the fold of my real family, the youth in the district. I have been testing the worldly waters for so long, I fail to realize the genuine people who have surrounded me from the start. Through these special people, slowly the walls have crumbled down and I let them in. Through them, I managed to climb back up again and reach out to people I interact with in Medicine school. 

And now, there's this one special person who I treasure very much.

Because of that, I decided to build a wall again... not the same wall I've built for the past years.

It's a wall to detach myself from "falling for him"...

There's always a thin line between friendship and beyond. Yet, when you look at it closely and weigh what is more important, you'd rather let go of one to treasure the other one. You can never hold onto both, because one mistake, you might lose one of them.

I am afraid to lose him, yes.

Just like how I am afraid to lose those special friends who have become major pieces of the puzzle that complete who I am.

Despite my over-bearing, insecure and emotionally attached self, they never left and cared more.

With that, my life is more beautiful as it was before.

More challenging, I may say, because tests and challenges are always part of growing up and nurturing a genuine friendship.

Yet, I am truly grateful God has given me this chance to know them, to be friends with them, to love them.

And no matter how crazy my world is, how tempting to walk past that thin line...

the mere fact that they matter so much more to me leave me to thinking..

Is it worth the risk of losing them just to satisfy my personal desires?

I have to say NO, because friendship for me, at this very special moment, matters more than my bottled feelings of love.

It can wait.

As God has patiently woven me to have the kind of life and friendship I'm enjoying right now.

LOVE can wait...

Fear Factor

People tend to think that being brave is the state of not being fearful.

But actually it is the other way around.

It is the state of actually acknowledging your fear, but instead of walking away from it, around it, or not doing anything at all... you FACE your fear and strive to overcome it.

That is bravery.

That is the real essence of courage.

In life, when you don't work to battle out the things that scare you, you will never be able to climb over the walls of challenges that we encounter each day. You'll remain stagnant, unproductive... and more likely a failure. No one's perfectly successful with a load of failures in his resume. Failures are part of life. They're basically there... but they don't exist just to make our living crazy than a rollercoaster ride. They exist to TEST us, to MOLD us to become better, to TEACH us things we seem to not understand... they exist to PREPARE us for more challenges up ahead in the course of our life.

At this point in my life, in my 24 years of existence, I can say I've been to many difficulties. Yes, it may not be as hellish as other people who've been to the deepest pit of disappointments, but I have my fair share of troubles and downfalls. Ever since life began for me, I have been an insecure girl. I always hide behind my parents' back, afraid to face the people and be friends with them. I tend to shy away from opportunities, from activities that could gain me friends. I was coined as "mataray", "suplada"... you get what I mean.

I had this thick shell around me, built a wall between me and the people, just because I was too afraid to trust them and let them into my life.

Where did my insecurity lies?

You maybe have read my previous blogs related to this issue... so you'll probably have an idea already.

Yes, I was born with an inborn hand.

Not your regular right hand, so growing up, people looked at me bit differently.

I was not pretty, as far as I can say.

I emerged during puberty as an ugly duckling... face decorated with eyebags and pimples.

I was chubby, short...

In short, I don't see myself as appealing to others... that it provoked me to hide my hand, feel lowly about myself.

I was consumed with fear that no person will accept me for who I am except my family.

Yes, I gained friends but still I am somewhat doubtful.

But looking back at those years I wallowed in the pit of insecurity, I felt sorry about myself, but at the same time, grateful.

Through that, I was able to see myself and reflect.

Slowly but surely, I learnt to shed off the shell, to bring down the wall and open up myself wholeheartedly to people. I gained my confidence and became president of our district youth council. My natural "malambing" nature came through and it gained me friends. Real friends who accepted me for who I am, beyond my insecurities and weirdness.

And through them, I slowly find myself and realized who I am and what I can offer... what I can do if I just let go of my insecurities.

Who would have thought that after all these years, two person will actually see me as 19 years old?

I've never could imagined I would hear such compliments from 2 guys who I just met...

It's not that I am bragging about it, I'm honestly flattered at the same time surprised.

It is such a difference when positive energy overflows from you.. when you let optimism rule over your insecurity. I am more comfortable with myself.. even there are still times I hide my hand and feel like I'm no way pretty like my friends.

But once in a while, I look at my own reflection in the mirror and understand my worth.

I am a child of God, His daughter... why would I think lowly of myself?

He has created me in His own image, why would I tamper it and think negative of His creation?

I am blessed that I am who I am today.

I am so grateful that He has helped me find my inner confidence and channel it through ways that I can also inspire.

Who would have thought that once upon a time, you will never see me standing alone in a crowd, mingling and smiling, as if I've already known them for so long?

But now... it's like my inclination for personal interaction comes out naturally.. that close friends have seen me as more mature and more approachable.

'Tis such an awesome experience to see how much growth I've accomplished and how many friends I've gained who have become attached to me.

Life is never easy.

And being brave is not easy as well.

Yet it takes an effort to try...takes one decision to surrender all to Him and let Him guide you through and overcome your fears.

Before I am an insecure girl... 

but now..

I am a secure young woman, bursting forth with happiness and good vibes, assured that I should not fear life when God is walking by my side.~

Slowly Falling.... Guided by God's Gentle Hands

Even if you want to stay friends, sometimes, you get overwhelmed and began falling for that person.

And FAST.

It's really so hard to leave a statement when you can never be sure of what will happen next in the days to come. When you thought you could never like that person, you'd end up thinking about him before you succumb to sleep. When you thought you will never like his personality, you'd end up appreciating every little detail of his likes and dislikes, to the extend of realizing you have similarities in the long run.

When you think you'd just be happy being friends with him, you'd crave for more... and more, until you'd never be so contented to have him look at you "just as a friend".

I am grateful that earlier this year, I was able to find my stable self, not as a hundred percent perfectly built, but this year, I've found a fresh new aura around me, in me, with me. I began anew with God, I dished off my principle of finding happiness through a man and vowed not to let a man rule over my heart and mind.

I learnt a valuable lesson of finding happiness and confidence first before even letting myself fall completely for a man.

And God is indeed a wonderful Father, for He guided me, His daughter to find a man, in a slow crucial step-by-step process. Indeed, when comparing to my last entry, I felt relieved that I haven't lost my focus nor my control. I didn't let selfish desires lead me to make rash decisions I will regret in the later years. I'm grateful I have friends who have been a supportive pillar, who helped me continually connect to that confidence I've gained for the past months... and I'm happy that God has been guiding me through and through.

Truly, prayers are miraculous answers to your silent inquiries and desires.

God works in mysterious ways, yet He enlightened you with answers as long as you're willing to understand and abide by His will.

It's not about what you want, but what God wants the best for you.

And I willingly surrendered my heart to God's gentle, reassuring hands, letting Him guide me to that man, if He intends to....

That man...

I already see him as the man for me, yet I can't yet be sure if I am completely in love with him.

I still want to stay humbly as his friend, gaining his trust and finding his companion a treasure I've never regret I've come to enjoy.

I am so happy he finally opened up to me, unlike those previous random conversations which mostly comprise of food, food... and yes, food.

Funny, but still I enjoyed those comical talks we had... but this past weekend, he finally told me more than FOOD... and in person.

Imagine the happiness and gratitude that swelled in my heart... yes, I am indeed happy.

It's true and I can say with confidence... though the past months have been slowly progressive... every second has been worth the wait.

And whatever God has plan for the next year to come, I'd be patiently waiting... as I've done for the past months.

Yes, I am slowly falling for him more and more.... but what's so good about it, I'm not alone... I've been gently guided by God's hands. <3 font="font">

AMEN! :)

CHECK THE FUTURE.

DESTINY

Fate or destiny, whatever you call it, most people believe on that. That mere idea of meeting someone, as if the said incidence is planned by the Higher powers, it's a purpose driven by power of fate, as they say. It's like  thread connects two persons, and whatever happens, they will meet one day. Every scene in one's life leads to another, as if a certain hidden purpose works its way to make things happen as it is planned. As if you're destined to make this happen, as if it's your destiny to meet this special someone in your life.

[Just one funny event... rare but it just fall in th right places.. as if fated. I'm playing Tiny Towers in my Itouch... and the game has this special Facebook like part wherein the mini pixel characters living in my tower can post their statuses (of course pre-programmed already in the game). But imagine my shock, when I decided to open a can of Cheez Curls, even asking my mom for permission, something unexpected happened. At that time, I was even saying that I'll probably finish everything off because I like it. After that I checked my game again to re-stock the products of each floor, when I decided to check the Bitbook (FB-like app in the game). I read this latest status of one character, expressing his fondness for Cheez Curls. I actually re-read the status if I'm reading it right, while looking at the can of Cheez Curls in front of me. Funny though, I have been playing game for so long, it's the first time that status appeared. Most of the statuses shown kept on repeating themselves... but this one, it just happened right there and then that I'm also eating Cheez Curls. Wow!]

But, it's rather sad if people just let the destiny do its work and not work for it anymore. I believe that, it's not just fate or destiny that puts us to where we are, it's our own desire and perseverance, toiling our way to achieve whatever we want to achieve. It's not just waiting for the apple to fall from its branch, or waiting for the sun to rise or set, without doing anything worthwhile.

DREAMS

I love it when I dream of good dreams, but freak out so much when it's either scary or mind-boggling. I remember two memorable scary dreams I had, that I had to be awakened by my Dad forcefully because I was crying so hard. Also, there was this one time, just this month where I literally screamed out loud... that Dad rushed to my bedroom and woke me up. I thought the dream was so real, but the reason why I was shouting was out of frustration, the mood that I was in, in that dream. But lately, my dreams seemed to be real and seemed to hold a special meaning... although I just can't figure them out. Are they just brought out by my hidden desire or wild imagination... or they hold a "futuristic message"... something that tells me about the future. If I try to remember well, there were moments in the scene that may have already happened to me.. not probably as similar as I saw it in my dream.. but something analogical. There was this one dream where I saw my "crush"... and I actually caught him looking at me. Days or weeks after that, there was this event that he was one of the players, and I was just one of the bystanders. I actually avoided looking at his direction.. but when I accidentally did.. he was looking at my direction.. not sure if really looking at me. I often wondered why it happened.. but it did. Just this morning, I had two dreams, but sadly they're not as vivid as I want to..as much as I've wanted to have written it fast on my journal upon waking up, I just wasn't able to. The first dream revolved about a stranger who seemed to be interested in me... and not only that, it's just not one guy.. it's probably a group I think who seemed to like me positively.. which in real life, is NOT happening. In the second dream, the people were familiar faces... and one guy who I know, joked around being my boyfriend when I teased about buying a boyfriend... instead of a new phone. Funny.. because that guy...I just recently liked him because of his good dancing skills.

Dunno what my future holds.. or if my dreams have some kind of "premonition" approach... I don't have any clue. But honestly, I often wonder if they do.

IMAGINATION

I have a wide imagination, I always say. Friends often get amused at my random monologues that would eventually spring up a story.. with my own made-up scenes and events. Probably, one reason why I love to write stories because it's an outlet for all these sort of thoughts brewing in my head. And one thing interesting for me.. is that most of these products of my imaginations get to be part of something officially being shown in televesion, or other media instruments. Like when I was imagining myself as a trainee in Korea who gets popular.. I wrote something about debuting a cameo role in a Korean drama entitled City Hunter, little did I know, days after that, I learned from the latest Korean showbiz news about a new drama entitled City Hunter, starring Lee Minho and Park Minyoung. And I was like... "Whoa". It's just one of those occurrences that I've encountered in my life. Apart from that, when I watch drama, may it be Filipino or foreign movies, I always tend to make up my own conclusions to what might happen... trying to put two and two together. I never did expect when I find out, the actual events in the drama are near close to what I just assumed. Awesome! That's why, I have this habit of being able to deduce the story events even though I miss out certain episodes, I still get the flow... even if you made me watch the episodes in the middle. I think, I'm just weird like that? Haha... but I'm enjoying it.

Everything I've said reminded me when I was doing this "premonition act" with my highschool classmates. I'd just touch their hand and whatever comes first in my mind, I try to make a feel of it.. and share whatever I see. It's actually a joke in the beginning with my best friend... but then she told me what I just created as "premonition scene" for her actually happened. So the word spread fast... and all my other classmates wanted their palms to be read.. when actually, I'm not reading anything. It's as if my mind's working on images that comes at once whenever I touch them. And funny but scary, most of what I told them happens. I actually stopped it... I was too scared to believe it, plus I believe more in God... and I don't have real power to even make premonitions. But it's just weird that whatever I think of most of the time.... it actually happens.. whenever I check the news... or surf the net.. there's something happening quite related with what just went through my mind. Oh well.

So many thoughts, but I have to sleep. Just want to let these out.. .Whew!

HEARTY UPDATE: SNOWMAN AND ME

I've never been too open with my hidden feelings for him. Only few knows the real score, only few who understands my real emotions towards him. I'm always scared of too many people discovering the truth, how I'm painstakingly denying the fact, that... most probably, I'm still liking him way too much.

It's a good thing, I think, that I don't see him that much compared to last year. It has been a year now since I accidentally fell for him, more than year when I met him for the first time... I can still remember those short memories I've spent with him, as a stranger, as an acquaintance, as a classmate, as a schoolmate... as a "supposedly-to-be-friend".

It's funny that our relationship comprises of inconsistent peaks, going up in rare moments, then going down most of the time. There were those times when we literally greet each other, where we acknowledge each other's presence. And most of the time, it was an ordeal, trying to find the courage to say a simple hello, or wave a little at him. And every rare moment I saw him with her... it's like one little pointed needle, pricking my heart deep and hard.

He is out of my league, I am sure of that. And I have to blame myself for losing my cool... and losing my confidence in just randomly greeting him. When in fact, we already know each other and it seems both of us have decided to just let go of that. He never did say hi to me again, and I am sure, it's because of me. The mere image I project towards him probably pushed him away... farther away from my reach. Yeah, such a good act on my part.

I kept on telling my roommate I have moved on, or rather, I AM MOVING ON. Moving on from what, you may ask, when we haven't been in any relationship? Moving on from hoping too much... that he's meant for me. Funny that I even thought of that, in the first place, I didn't put any effort to get closer to him. Or I've always known from the beginning there's no way he'll fall for me. Yes, that would be it. There's no way he will.

I am scared to really fall in love. Cases such as these are the reasons why. Liking someone then running away when he gets near, scared out of my wits, all because I'm way drowning in my pool of insecurities and fears. It's rather a good thing to find my own self first and learn to love me, all of me before letting go. If not, I'd probably be all broken when I fall and kept on falling in the end... without no one catching me.

I'm just happy actually because he liked a status in my Facebook wall which I just posted an hour ago. I'm actually surprised he did that, then I realized I liked a status of him minutes before he did that. So, I'm wondering if it's just an act of give-and-return relationship, or something like that. But still, I'm just glad... there were so many first time happenings that I've encountered when it comes to him. 

Mr. Snowman, thank you.

AYE, AYE CAPTAIN!

Being a leader is not an easy task. I'm sure I am not the only one who thinks that. Assuming such position requires a lot of perseverance, patience and commitment to do your part, as well as lead the pack. Like an Alpha, for the case of wolves, the others look up at you and listen to what you have to say. There's no room for doubts and uncertainty, you have to emanate such confidence that will make them put their trust in you. It's definitely hard, that's why, I always get this fear of taking such responsibility.

Yes, I have to say, I had experiences of being a leader, but all through those experiences, I have to say, most of the time, I fail in being a good one. I always lack something along the way, apart from failing to accomplish certain tasks, which just eventually made me more unsure of my capabilities. As much as I want to do my very best, there's always a niche for error, in my case.

Why am I ranting something about this? It's because I've just been elected the president for our district's youth federation, if you can call it that way. If you compare my participation before, I'm more active now compared to way back in my younger years. It's more like when I stepped onto college that I found my confidence in being part of the youth organization, to help with activities and bond with the youth. And now, I'm more of post-grad student, I tend to mingle more and have always been teased to be so hyper and talkative.

I can already feel the pressure. Yes, I have been there when two of my closes friends in the district were presidents. I have been part of their years leading the group, participating in activities, extending my help. But now, I'm definitely sure it's different. I'm not just behind the scenes anymore, I'm actually the one leading already - the one with the highest burden of making the last final decision, the carrying the torch with every advocate the group intends to start with. As much as I want to hide and step away from the limelight, there's no turning back. I don't know if they vote-slash-elected me out of confident that I can do it... or scared of being voted in the first place.. but I don't want to ruin their good image of me. I want to prove my worthiness of being casted in this position in the first place.

I still have my worries, I still have my fears, but I want to be brave enough to carry on God's will. If He intends me this, ever since, then I will faithfully follow. I'm tired of being too insecure and scared of my own troubles, I want to change for the better. I'm sure God believes in me, as much as these youth believe in me. I want to believe in myself and in my capabilities. I want to shed off my negative thoughts and focus on the upbringing of the best of each and every youth in the district. And also, to be closer to them as I hope to be.

I may lack in some ways, may it be physical or emotional-wise, but I won't learn to grow if I don't experience first-hand, right? So, God bless me and the youth federation as we head for another year. May we serve as good servants of the Lord, reaching to others and molding ourselves, as well, to be good and God-fearing Christians.

Good luck to me and the new council!

LET'S SET FORTH TO A NEW ADVENTURE!

DETACHED

Azul, the blue lovebird died this morning. That was the first news that woke me up earlier today. If I can remember it clearly, I saw the bird's head hanging on the plastic thread that is draped above the cage. It's sad to see such a scene.

The first thought the came to my mind is ... "poor bird". He probably suffered from suffocation before dying. My mom even commented that the bird committed suicide. It's such a cruel fate and we're at fault as well. We let that plastic thread hang on the cage and be played by the birds that it ended becoming the reason of the death of one of them. Such a careless act on our part that caused a life.

The second thought that came to mind is ... "what will happen to his partner?". I've been observing Sol, the yellow bird that is now residing alone in their cage. She seemed anxious all the time, staying in the lower part of the cage, head leaning against the railings of the cage. Most of the time, she kept on chirping. I felt lonely for her, to be left alone out of the blue.

Funny though, the situation made me realize that being lonely is not a happy situation to be. My brother even commented about Sol's situation.

"Kawawa naman siya. Wala na siya kasabay kumain, uminom. Wala na siya kasama."

(Poor bird, she doesn't have any companion anymore while eating and drinking. She's alone now.)

True. I've never liked being alone, although most of the time, I do that. I always assure myself this is better, I can do things without being distracted. But at the end, I crave for a companion, I crave for someone to spend the afternoon with me, or accompany me some place I want to go and have fun.

Last night, I got this chance to watch this korean comedy-drama in KBS, entitled "He Who Can't Marry". [KBS 2009]

It's about a man who is a stubborn man in his forties that is insistent on not planning to marry. Plus, his personality makes him not an ideal candidate for women finding their husband-to-be. Although despite his flaws, he's perfect in his work as an accomplished architect. On the other hand, here comes a doctor who is also single, but unlike this man, wants to find the perfect guy to get married to, but haven't found him. It's enlightening when you listen to the characters' lines, how clashing they can be. And I thought, "wow, who would I be like when I come around that age?". Will I be still single and still on a lookout for that perfect man? Or would I be like Cho Jae Hee that believes it depends on your view in life... that you can be happy even being single. You don't spend too much money since you don't have a wife and kids to take care of.

I don't think I can survive until old age being single. I think God created man and woman to live in companionship. No man is an island, there's a popular saying that goes like that. I hope Sol, our yellow bird won't be too lonely, or if possible will have a companion soon so she won't be too sad without someone to chirp with, to eat with or to even play around, especially at this time, I think she and Azul are pretty closer than before.

And I hope too, I won't be single for the rest of my life. I'm happy being single as of now, but in my point of view, I still want to have my own family someday.

Rambling thoughts on exams, pimples and more....

This week has been a toxic week for me even if my TWO examinations were postponed for next week. Thank Typhoon pedring for the two consecutive days with suspended classes.

For four days straight, I have been reading and reading and reading and reading ... only taking time to rest during meals and short naps and a somewhat good night rest. I have an easier case compared with my roommate who is still taking examinations until Saturday and next week, as well. She has been endlessly hovering her eyes on numerous handouts of different topics under different subjects. Imagine how her brain and eyes and her body are faring! I commend her hardworking spirit, so I am kind of influenced by her. I was also stuck on my chair, reading and reviewing for Renal physiology. I am still not done, actually, there is more to review, but I decided to take a break. But I have to say, thank goodness I love reading and writing, so I still get by. It feels good when you understand things more when you reread them. I just hope I remember most of what I have read for the examination next week! And seriously, reading topics on Renal for the past days, did something to my usual bathroom break routine! I have been going back to the bathroom in a much shorter period in between, even though I have not drank that much water. Hmm!

Aside from reading, I have been doing a new regime for my facial care. I visited a derma clinic last week, hoping to get some positive help for my existent facial problems, like pimples. She gave me few stuff to try, plus reminders of avoiding certain products. I do not know if it is actually working, since my pimples are still here... on my face. But when I observe my face, I think there is somewhat changes, but I am not sure. I have to check it with the dermatologist to see if it is really effective for me. Having pimples is such a sensitive issue for me since I have been having a hard time controlling it, they just come and go, whether I am stressed or just having my monthly menstrual flow. I just want to be bit prettier, if it is not too much to ask. Do not even start with my pair of eyebags, they are there ever since!

Apart from the academic and physical issues of my life, my social life is not in its highest level. I do not have a boyfriend, so let us put an X mark on the love life box and move on. Me and Ate L have decided to go for a weekend trip in Subic this October. We have been planning on it earlier this year, but it just did not push through. Out of excitement to have our close friends to join, news reached me that their families want to join in the fun, since my parents are going with us. If only we have our own car, we can have the trip with just us girls, but nevertheless, I do not know what is supposed to happen next. I should probably talk to my Dad about this, if we are still pushing through since the number of people joining has increased! I just hope I can have a fun weekend trip this semestral break.

It is close to the end of the first semester, my first semester as an irregular medical student. Until now, I still feel embarrassed but have learned to accept it, since I am first and foremost, the one at fault. There have been so many what ifs that have scoured my mind every time I see the Second Year students, my once upon a time batchmates, but ended up to be my Upper Year schoolmates. Nevertheless, I will not give up, even if my brain is stuck up on a certain Acid Base chapter discussion, I will still move on.

There is no harm trying my best...at least, there will be no regrets from now on.

Fighting!

MOVIE REVIEW AND A DOSE OF SELF-INSECURITIES

So, this movie is like released a year ago and I just WATCHED it today. Yeah. But anyways, this movie is beyond hilarious and heartwarming, at the same time. It sparked something in me, something I honestly connected with the character's personal stories.

MOVIE REVIEW:

I love the concept of the story itself. It's not fictional, it actually happens in reality. Whether we deny it, it happens. Such scenes are in fact, may have happened once in our life - being bullied, difficulty in letting go of the shadows of the past, messing up, trying to give others a second chance... and the thing that I'm most guilty of .. being insecure.

The movie has the right tone, the perfect actresses and actors to play each character with such finesse and humor, the light drama but at the same, direct to the point. I enjoyed every second of watching it. There's a fine line of lesson to learn from, something people tend to forget, tend to take for granted.

Mistakes help us learn. What's done in the past is IN the past. If we can't let go from it, it will just haunt us forever. But most of the times, those shadows of the past actually strengthened us to do our best, to step up to the challenge and be better. Life is not perfect. People are not flawless, we're just "humans". Yet, to forgive and forget is the special key for a lifelong success and happiness.

PERSONAL VIEW:

As the movie ended, I didn't quite yet absorb the essence of the story. Well, I did understand its role in the characters' lives, but in mine, I didn't think much over it... just yet. But due to unforeseen circumstance that left me crying helplessly inside my room, everything suddenly connected and made sense. So much sense.

Back in high school, I was one of the "honor students". You know those type of students praised for their academic excellence, thought to have a very good future ahead of them. I lived in the pedestal of my hard work and my eagerness to pass every examination... to make my parents proud. You might think I'm THAT popular, but no. If I were, I could've a boyfriend or a clique of friends who will last until this very moment.

I wasn't the bullied geek, but more or less the girl that people enjoyed "hanging" out with. To joke around, to tease lightly, to plainly have fun with. And nothing more. I'm never the one guys think of as "serious" except when it comes to studying. I can remember the term used by one of my high school classmates... "I'm the stuff toy". How can I be complimented with that? I laugh out all my insecurities and worries, but inside, I felt jealous of those other people who people always look for, always want to invite to gatherings.

Being not pretty and handicapped didn't make it better for the coming days, as I entered college and even now, in medicine. I always felt like what I do is never enough.

How could I not? Imagine, me trying to do my best, be good in something, but still be less appreciated. To see other people garner much interest and fame makes me feel sickeningly jealous. Yes, I am so insecure of myself.

Every time I look at the mirror, I felt pathetic.

Every time I see myself in the middle of a crowd, I felt so left out.

I'm still in this place where I can't even feel so accomplished. I felt like all my efforts are not good enough, still not good enough.... still not good enough.

I'm so afraid to meet people from my past. Will they be so disappointed in me? I've seen those looks in people before, those looks that made me feel I'm so ugly, I'm so incomplete, I'm so pathetic.

That it makes me so scared to even try... to even feel like I'm pretty.

I also want to have a happy ending one day, a happy ending with someone who loves me, with people who accept and appreciate me... people who will never leave me hanging.

I've been like this for the past years of my life. I want to let go but still can't. I want to be happy but I'm never been a hundred percent happy. I just want to live my life to the fullest but still, I am damn afraid.

NOTES:

I recommend that you watch YOU AGAIN if you haven't watch it yet. It's fun, light, with the right touch of drama and action (yeah, you'll get it when you see it).

And I also recommend that you don't be like me. It's hard to let go of past insecurities and even shadows of past mistakes. Learn to let go soon and live life to the fullest.

Invisible

I've never been in a normal relationship. To have a boyfriend who you can call or text, flirt and have fun with, be the best of friend you can rely on and the feel like the luckiest girl alive, walking down the streets, hand in hand. Tackling this issue is rather depressing, when in fact I'm one heck of an insecure girl who is just undeniably, a hopeless romantic. I've always dreamed of different scenarios I'd be with the guy I love, but nonetheless, none has ever turned up into reality.

I am not the type of girl who collects crushes, unless it's celebrity crush. I would probably have more than one, I admit. But when it comes to real crush, I'd spend most of the time just looking at a certain someone. That someone who not only caught my eyes, but also my heart off-guard. That special someone who will have no inkling whatsoever that there's this girl, silently watching him from afar.

Yeah and that girl would be me. The invisible girl. The wallpaper. I may be loud, happy-go-lucky but only few have determined my "heart" when it comes to assessing my real feelings for a guy. My closest church friend seemed to be afraid for me if I do enter a real relationship one day. She's scared that I might fall too hard and have a difficult time to come back up, if there will ever come a time that such relationship will come to a bitter end.

Right now, I'm in love with someone. He doesn't know. And I don't want him to know. I've learned from my few experiences that letting the person you like know about your feelings will push a friendship in an ugly state. I lost a close friend back in college because of that. The second time it happened, I'm lucky that we still talk now, this guy I fell in love with two years ago. I was just like any other hopeful girl, thinking she's the one who will change him for the better. But alas, I wasn't the girl meant for him, he's now in a happy relationship with someone and I'm genuinely happy for him.

And now, this current guy I'm in love with is actually taken. Yeah, I've always expected things like that to happen. I never learned. It's not a good deal to fall in love with guys way out of my league. He's not even my ideal type, I don't know what actually happened, I just realized that I like him. It ended in a rollercoaster ride of trying to get his attention to giving up, then to a sudden miraculous twist to our friendship then back again to nothing. It just feels weird that I still try to get close to him but I fearfully backed out whenever I see him with her. Seeing the girl whom I know actually fits her, they're a perfect pair. No one can deny that fact. It might be not that hard to accept, but inside of me, I want to just magically change into this prettier girl so I can have him. So that he will notice me.

Indeed, such jealousy is not good. I'm sure he doesn't even see more than an acquaintance, a passing time, a student he can just say hi and hello once in a while. Just like those other guys who have come and go in my life, no one ever looked at me beyond a fleeting glance for a stranger, a friend or an acquaintance. No one.

A nagging prick in my pathetic dignity, it's such a depressing thought. I just have this simple wish, that one day, someone will look at me specially. One day, I won't have this try-hard attitude to be happy, to be okay when I'm not, when all along, I just feel like I'm a withering flower in need of attention. It sucks to be an underdog, that whatever you do, you're always less appreciated than others. People will only see one-fourths of what you are, of who you are and that's it...

Maybe, I got too much of inconsistencies in my life right now. There's too much unsaid musings, fears, insecurities continually eating me alive... there's too much nagging thoughts I don't want to dwell with, truthfully.

To be loved and appreciated genuinely is all I ever wanted. To find that certain contentment in my heart is what I dream to achieve in time...

of first year in med

It was fun and toxic at the same time.
FUN, because I get to spend time with cozy people and the section I got to be included in are all nice people.
I mean, they're approachable despite that most of them are really "geniuses in their own rights", they are still "approachable".
TOXIC, because it's not as light as undergraduate studies...you are responsible of whatever's discussed and NOT discussed.
No more distinct spoon-feeding, well, aside from few of the professors, but mainly, you have to be always prepared for the worst.
Thankfully, I have good background of the subjects I am taking now, from my BS Biology days, esp. from my Major subjects.
Well, honestly, I can go with the flow but I am not THAT fast to explain stuff, unlike my other classmates (mostly guys).
Yung tipong pagtanong mo, kaya nilang mabigyan kaagad ng sagot.
It makes me feel inferior or somewhat stupid, in a sense.
But I still strive to know what they know, to know more than what they know, or to know more together with them.
I'm not up fo a competition, I'm in the medschool to learn and to be a good doctor for the sake of my future patients.

I don't want to be pressured just because I should not "taint" my family's name.
I will study well for my future, for my chosen career and for the big dreams I only dreamt childishly before.

Hello, my friend.

It is nice to meet new people.
But, it's so scary when people don't like you that much as you like them.
Well.
You cannot always please everyone, right?
It's just..
Sometimes, it gets in my nerves.
I always doubt myself when it comes to making new friends.
But close people told me I am approachable.
But why?
I am not that close anymore with my HS bestfriend.
I do not even have the "clicque" group of friends during college.

Despite being a nice person, trying to be sensitive to others, being fair..
I always end up being not taken importantly.
I'm just easily thrown aside.
And I hate it.

Sighs.
I just want someone who will be there for me..
who will stay..
who will protect me as I do the same for her or him.

I wish Ii'll find that person in the next phase of my life.

what does the sign tell?

Should I be in FEU?
Can my father's financial setup be able to carry on with my medical studying?
I'm scared.
I'm confused.
They still opt for PLM.
If the reconsideration letter is approved, then I might get in to PLM.
Enjoy lower tuition fees and closer school to home.
BUT.
I don't know.
I have this feeling that I'm supposed to be in FEU.
I'm fated to go there.
I'm confused really.
I wish things will be settled soon.
Sighs.

where?

I still have no medical school to go to this coming June.
Where does God want me to be?
I have not been accepted in both PLM and UERM.
And now, I have to send in late my application for FEU.
Sighs.
I can't stop feeling lost, upset and scared.
But I will still hold on to the Higher Being.
He has been with me through all this.
He has helped me fight against the roundabout tumblings I've encountered this last sem.
He has let me graduate soon this April.
With that, I'll trust Him completely.

And soon, I will find the answer.
Where?

COming sooooooon!

headlines

I obtained this sacred information.
I won't tell it yet.
I promised I will keep it a secret.
But.
I love this new information.
It made my day complete.
I am happy.
I am thankful.
I am blessed.

If only, another good news will come by again.
Tomorrow.

what the heck?

2010 is not a good year for me.
Okay, not being pessimistic or anything.
I meant to say, the first quarter of this year is not good.

I am in this small thread, hanging on to it.
My future's blank.
My present's staggered.

I am so lost.
I don't know what to do.
Or what would happen to me.

I hate it.
I am hating it.

I just wanna burrow myself in a hole and cry.

INHIBITOR

I wanted to graduate this April 2010.
My parents are expecting it, since I was supposed to graduate last year.

I have plans already.
I am waiting for results of my medical application.
And now this?

THIS came along and it's threatening my future to fall down.

I've been trying to graduate this year, but ...

A huge obstacle planted on my way and it's forcing me to stop.
It's like a LARGE INHIBITOR preventing me to push through and succeed.

I am so pissed off.
Not only on THIS but on HIM.

Seriously, I am not alone for feeling this.
Almost all my fellow graduates who are under his wing this semester are crying out their frustrations.

We're all in pain.
We're suffering in his hands.

And, now, the big news will be unfolded tomorrow.
I am scared. I am terrified.

But, I'm holding on to God..to the prayers..to the support of people who understand and are genuinely concerned for our fates.

I have to trust the Higher Being.
Come what may.

when the world goes tumbling down...

I don't want to say that life is unfair.
But it hurts so bad when you see your dreams slowly crumbling in front of you.
I don't want to lose hope, but the faith in me is gradually dying..

I am so lost right now, so down that I just want to spend my afternoon crying my heart out.
I am so disappointed in myself.
I am so ashamed.
I am so heartbroken.

I just needed my parents' embrace right now, I am so sad, so sad that I can't stop the tears from falling.
I feel like my future's getting darker and I can't seem to reach that light anymore.

Would I be drowned in darkness?
Would I tread on the path of failure from now on?

I don't know.
Oh dear God, give me strength.
Help me.
Please.

stupid mistakes

I am now on my way to doom.

My future's getting bleaker every second.

If I will ever be given a chance to overcome this,
I will be forever grateful.

My life is already lying on a thin piece of thread.

...

Help me God.