HEARTY UPDATE: SNOWMAN AND ME

I've never been too open with my hidden feelings for him. Only few knows the real score, only few who understands my real emotions towards him. I'm always scared of too many people discovering the truth, how I'm painstakingly denying the fact, that... most probably, I'm still liking him way too much.

It's a good thing, I think, that I don't see him that much compared to last year. It has been a year now since I accidentally fell for him, more than year when I met him for the first time... I can still remember those short memories I've spent with him, as a stranger, as an acquaintance, as a classmate, as a schoolmate... as a "supposedly-to-be-friend".

It's funny that our relationship comprises of inconsistent peaks, going up in rare moments, then going down most of the time. There were those times when we literally greet each other, where we acknowledge each other's presence. And most of the time, it was an ordeal, trying to find the courage to say a simple hello, or wave a little at him. And every rare moment I saw him with her... it's like one little pointed needle, pricking my heart deep and hard.

He is out of my league, I am sure of that. And I have to blame myself for losing my cool... and losing my confidence in just randomly greeting him. When in fact, we already know each other and it seems both of us have decided to just let go of that. He never did say hi to me again, and I am sure, it's because of me. The mere image I project towards him probably pushed him away... farther away from my reach. Yeah, such a good act on my part.

I kept on telling my roommate I have moved on, or rather, I AM MOVING ON. Moving on from what, you may ask, when we haven't been in any relationship? Moving on from hoping too much... that he's meant for me. Funny that I even thought of that, in the first place, I didn't put any effort to get closer to him. Or I've always known from the beginning there's no way he'll fall for me. Yes, that would be it. There's no way he will.

I am scared to really fall in love. Cases such as these are the reasons why. Liking someone then running away when he gets near, scared out of my wits, all because I'm way drowning in my pool of insecurities and fears. It's rather a good thing to find my own self first and learn to love me, all of me before letting go. If not, I'd probably be all broken when I fall and kept on falling in the end... without no one catching me.

I'm just happy actually because he liked a status in my Facebook wall which I just posted an hour ago. I'm actually surprised he did that, then I realized I liked a status of him minutes before he did that. So, I'm wondering if it's just an act of give-and-return relationship, or something like that. But still, I'm just glad... there were so many first time happenings that I've encountered when it comes to him. 

Mr. Snowman, thank you.

what the heck?

2010 is not a good year for me.
Okay, not being pessimistic or anything.
I meant to say, the first quarter of this year is not good.

I am in this small thread, hanging on to it.
My future's blank.
My present's staggered.

I am so lost.
I don't know what to do.
Or what would happen to me.

I hate it.
I am hating it.

I just wanna burrow myself in a hole and cry.

when the world goes tumbling down...

I don't want to say that life is unfair.
But it hurts so bad when you see your dreams slowly crumbling in front of you.
I don't want to lose hope, but the faith in me is gradually dying..

I am so lost right now, so down that I just want to spend my afternoon crying my heart out.
I am so disappointed in myself.
I am so ashamed.
I am so heartbroken.

I just needed my parents' embrace right now, I am so sad, so sad that I can't stop the tears from falling.
I feel like my future's getting darker and I can't seem to reach that light anymore.

Would I be drowned in darkness?
Would I tread on the path of failure from now on?

I don't know.
Oh dear God, give me strength.
Help me.
Please.

gimme more, gimme more ...

This is originally written in my multiply blog..

--

"I don't wanna give up, I don't wanna give in ..."

Kasisimula palang ng first sem, bumuhos na ang mga problema..
Di ko na alam paano ibabalanse at sosolusyunan...
Eto na naman ako nag-e-emote..
Pa'no ba naman kasi, hindi ako handa, sumabog na ang bomba sa harapan ko.
Kung totoong bomba pa yun, tiyak, di na ko humihinga ngayon.

Buti nalang may mga kaibigan ako, kung hindi man kayang tumulong, handa namang makiramay sa kamalasang tinatamasa ko ...
Kung di dahil sa mga "cozy people" sa buhay ko, pinanghinaan na ko agad ng loob, first stage pa lang ng problema, sumuko na ko.
At syempre, lam ko namang sinusubukan lang ako ni Bro, sana lang makayanan ko ang hinulog nyang PAGSUBOK sa buhay ko, da ba?
Ako pa naman, iyakin..kaya eto, hapdi na naman mga mata ko, kakaiyak ..

Pagpasensyahan nyo na, outlet ko lang talaga ang pagsusulat at pagiging emotera sa blog.
Kung ayaw nyong basahin, e di wag, (o bakit nagbabasa ka pa din???) ...

I just hope, makaraos ako dito..
Tulad nga ng fave kong kanta ..
"God will make a way, when there seems to be no way ..."

Bro, help me!!!!!!

because of you. . .

I've done everything to make you happy but it all amounts to nothing in the end.
-
I've done everything to prove I'm worthy but all my efforts are in vain.
-

Have you ever felt like that? You have given it all, yet, you seem UN-appreciated, UN-noticed and UN-remarkable. Have you ever felt the nagging feeling that you have been working too hard to show you care, to prove you can do it, that it becomes tiring already afterwards? I felt like that and it's worse than getting a hangover after drinking too much the night before. It's a grueling process to be accepted, especially if you are just there as an existing wallpaper o a living stuff toy, not even for decoration.

Right now, my emotions are in a turmoil. I'm seeing myself, standing on the edge of the cliff, shadow of faces looming on my back, asking me to step back, while I look down at the angry waves crashing against the jagged stones below. What will I choose? To stay and continue doing what I can, or give up and let myself sink into an abyss of desperation? Sometimes, when the going gets tough, all you need is someone who cares, not someone who let you feel that you're wanted for a split second in history, but you're actually not. It's a rather comforting feeling to be swallowed by the huge open sea and not feel the loneliness surrounding me anymore. I just want to be happy, be appreciated, be loved as I give love.

Desperation. Loss of hope, sinking into despair. Once you're trapped in that abyss, it's hard to free yourself unless you realized you're in that situation. I'm in that situation, right now. All along, I have been caught by the chains of cold imprisonment. Not locked up in a typical jail. But living inside a four-cornered dimension, plagued by the piercing eyes of people you care about, but cared less in return. I want to be free. I want to break down this dark mist shrouding my point of view, clouding my real understanding of happiness.

All I want in life is to be loved. To be understood. To be appreciated. Yet, every mistake I do, it turns out to be a nightmare for me. I have to pick up the pieces of those efforts I made that came tumbling down. I have to re-build again and make myself a remarkable sight to behold. I do not want this kind of set-up. It's as if I'm a non-living mannequin, in an artificial world where I act as my owner wants me to act. I'm tired being too friendly, too understanding, too nice, too forgiving. Why should I be when after everything I do positively, I am still the UN-right person for them.

-
Because of you, I did everything.

Will it please you if I drown myself to complete despair?
Will you be contented if I give up my life just to make you happy?
I don't think so. That's why, right now, I'm about to wake up...

Because of you.