Friday, February 13, 2009

because of you. . .

I've done everything to make you happy but it all amounts to nothing in the end.
I've done everything to prove I'm worthy but all my efforts are in vain.

Have you ever felt like that? You have given it all, yet, you seem UN-appreciated, UN-noticed and UN-remarkable. Have you ever felt the nagging feeling that you have been working too hard to show you care, to prove you can do it, that it becomes tiring already afterwards? I felt like that and it's worse than getting a hangover after drinking too much the night before. It's a grueling process to be accepted, especially if you are just there as an existing wallpaper o a living stuff toy, not even for decoration.

Right now, my emotions are in a turmoil. I'm seeing myself, standing on the edge of the cliff, shadow of faces looming on my back, asking me to step back, while I look down at the angry waves crashing against the jagged stones below. What will I choose? To stay and continue doing what I can, or give up and let myself sink into an abyss of desperation? Sometimes, when the going gets tough, all you need is someone who cares, not someone who let you feel that you're wanted for a split second in history, but you're actually not. It's a rather comforting feeling to be swallowed by the huge open sea and not feel the loneliness surrounding me anymore. I just want to be happy, be appreciated, be loved as I give love.

Desperation. Loss of hope, sinking into despair. Once you're trapped in that abyss, it's hard to free yourself unless you realized you're in that situation. I'm in that situation, right now. All along, I have been caught by the chains of cold imprisonment. Not locked up in a typical jail. But living inside a four-cornered dimension, plagued by the piercing eyes of people you care about, but cared less in return. I want to be free. I want to break down this dark mist shrouding my point of view, clouding my real understanding of happiness.

All I want in life is to be loved. To be understood. To be appreciated. Yet, every mistake I do, it turns out to be a nightmare for me. I have to pick up the pieces of those efforts I made that came tumbling down. I have to re-build again and make myself a remarkable sight to behold. I do not want this kind of set-up. It's as if I'm a non-living mannequin, in an artificial world where I act as my owner wants me to act. I'm tired being too friendly, too understanding, too nice, too forgiving. Why should I be when after everything I do positively, I am still the UN-right person for them.

Because of you, I did everything.

Will it please you if I drown myself to complete despair?
Will you be contented if I give up my life just to make you happy?
I don't think so. That's why, right now, I'm about to wake up...

Because of you.

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