Rambling thoughts on exams, pimples and more....

This week has been a toxic week for me even if my TWO examinations were postponed for next week. Thank Typhoon pedring for the two consecutive days with suspended classes.

For four days straight, I have been reading and reading and reading and reading ... only taking time to rest during meals and short naps and a somewhat good night rest. I have an easier case compared with my roommate who is still taking examinations until Saturday and next week, as well. She has been endlessly hovering her eyes on numerous handouts of different topics under different subjects. Imagine how her brain and eyes and her body are faring! I commend her hardworking spirit, so I am kind of influenced by her. I was also stuck on my chair, reading and reviewing for Renal physiology. I am still not done, actually, there is more to review, but I decided to take a break. But I have to say, thank goodness I love reading and writing, so I still get by. It feels good when you understand things more when you reread them. I just hope I remember most of what I have read for the examination next week! And seriously, reading topics on Renal for the past days, did something to my usual bathroom break routine! I have been going back to the bathroom in a much shorter period in between, even though I have not drank that much water. Hmm!

Aside from reading, I have been doing a new regime for my facial care. I visited a derma clinic last week, hoping to get some positive help for my existent facial problems, like pimples. She gave me few stuff to try, plus reminders of avoiding certain products. I do not know if it is actually working, since my pimples are still here... on my face. But when I observe my face, I think there is somewhat changes, but I am not sure. I have to check it with the dermatologist to see if it is really effective for me. Having pimples is such a sensitive issue for me since I have been having a hard time controlling it, they just come and go, whether I am stressed or just having my monthly menstrual flow. I just want to be bit prettier, if it is not too much to ask. Do not even start with my pair of eyebags, they are there ever since!

Apart from the academic and physical issues of my life, my social life is not in its highest level. I do not have a boyfriend, so let us put an X mark on the love life box and move on. Me and Ate L have decided to go for a weekend trip in Subic this October. We have been planning on it earlier this year, but it just did not push through. Out of excitement to have our close friends to join, news reached me that their families want to join in the fun, since my parents are going with us. If only we have our own car, we can have the trip with just us girls, but nevertheless, I do not know what is supposed to happen next. I should probably talk to my Dad about this, if we are still pushing through since the number of people joining has increased! I just hope I can have a fun weekend trip this semestral break.

It is close to the end of the first semester, my first semester as an irregular medical student. Until now, I still feel embarrassed but have learned to accept it, since I am first and foremost, the one at fault. There have been so many what ifs that have scoured my mind every time I see the Second Year students, my once upon a time batchmates, but ended up to be my Upper Year schoolmates. Nevertheless, I will not give up, even if my brain is stuck up on a certain Acid Base chapter discussion, I will still move on.

There is no harm trying my best...at least, there will be no regrets from now on.

Fighting!

MOVIE REVIEW AND A DOSE OF SELF-INSECURITIES

So, this movie is like released a year ago and I just WATCHED it today. Yeah. But anyways, this movie is beyond hilarious and heartwarming, at the same time. It sparked something in me, something I honestly connected with the character's personal stories.

MOVIE REVIEW:

I love the concept of the story itself. It's not fictional, it actually happens in reality. Whether we deny it, it happens. Such scenes are in fact, may have happened once in our life - being bullied, difficulty in letting go of the shadows of the past, messing up, trying to give others a second chance... and the thing that I'm most guilty of .. being insecure.

The movie has the right tone, the perfect actresses and actors to play each character with such finesse and humor, the light drama but at the same, direct to the point. I enjoyed every second of watching it. There's a fine line of lesson to learn from, something people tend to forget, tend to take for granted.

Mistakes help us learn. What's done in the past is IN the past. If we can't let go from it, it will just haunt us forever. But most of the times, those shadows of the past actually strengthened us to do our best, to step up to the challenge and be better. Life is not perfect. People are not flawless, we're just "humans". Yet, to forgive and forget is the special key for a lifelong success and happiness.

PERSONAL VIEW:

As the movie ended, I didn't quite yet absorb the essence of the story. Well, I did understand its role in the characters' lives, but in mine, I didn't think much over it... just yet. But due to unforeseen circumstance that left me crying helplessly inside my room, everything suddenly connected and made sense. So much sense.

Back in high school, I was one of the "honor students". You know those type of students praised for their academic excellence, thought to have a very good future ahead of them. I lived in the pedestal of my hard work and my eagerness to pass every examination... to make my parents proud. You might think I'm THAT popular, but no. If I were, I could've a boyfriend or a clique of friends who will last until this very moment.

I wasn't the bullied geek, but more or less the girl that people enjoyed "hanging" out with. To joke around, to tease lightly, to plainly have fun with. And nothing more. I'm never the one guys think of as "serious" except when it comes to studying. I can remember the term used by one of my high school classmates... "I'm the stuff toy". How can I be complimented with that? I laugh out all my insecurities and worries, but inside, I felt jealous of those other people who people always look for, always want to invite to gatherings.

Being not pretty and handicapped didn't make it better for the coming days, as I entered college and even now, in medicine. I always felt like what I do is never enough.

How could I not? Imagine, me trying to do my best, be good in something, but still be less appreciated. To see other people garner much interest and fame makes me feel sickeningly jealous. Yes, I am so insecure of myself.

Every time I look at the mirror, I felt pathetic.

Every time I see myself in the middle of a crowd, I felt so left out.

I'm still in this place where I can't even feel so accomplished. I felt like all my efforts are not good enough, still not good enough.... still not good enough.

I'm so afraid to meet people from my past. Will they be so disappointed in me? I've seen those looks in people before, those looks that made me feel I'm so ugly, I'm so incomplete, I'm so pathetic.

That it makes me so scared to even try... to even feel like I'm pretty.

I also want to have a happy ending one day, a happy ending with someone who loves me, with people who accept and appreciate me... people who will never leave me hanging.

I've been like this for the past years of my life. I want to let go but still can't. I want to be happy but I'm never been a hundred percent happy. I just want to live my life to the fullest but still, I am damn afraid.

NOTES:

I recommend that you watch YOU AGAIN if you haven't watch it yet. It's fun, light, with the right touch of drama and action (yeah, you'll get it when you see it).

And I also recommend that you don't be like me. It's hard to let go of past insecurities and even shadows of past mistakes. Learn to let go soon and live life to the fullest.

PO4: REUNITED

PO4 - name of our "group" [actually stands for Power of Four]

It has been months since we got together like this. I didn't expect that A and R will actually be there in the church. A didn't even tell me when I texted her the other night. But then again, I love good surprises and felt so happy seeing them again.

They're my close companions in church, someone who understand me well, someone who knows my limits and my strengths. I'm so happy to spend some quality time with them, even just for a short time. L is still a constant companion, but it's different if four of us are together.

So, after church services, we dived fast to taking photos. We just love that. Even though, our background isn't appealing as we hoped it would be, since we're located in the second floor of our church building (which is still in the making). But anyways, I had so much fun.

*photo spam in 4, 3, 2, 1.....*

Invisible

I've never been in a normal relationship. To have a boyfriend who you can call or text, flirt and have fun with, be the best of friend you can rely on and the feel like the luckiest girl alive, walking down the streets, hand in hand. Tackling this issue is rather depressing, when in fact I'm one heck of an insecure girl who is just undeniably, a hopeless romantic. I've always dreamed of different scenarios I'd be with the guy I love, but nonetheless, none has ever turned up into reality.

I am not the type of girl who collects crushes, unless it's celebrity crush. I would probably have more than one, I admit. But when it comes to real crush, I'd spend most of the time just looking at a certain someone. That someone who not only caught my eyes, but also my heart off-guard. That special someone who will have no inkling whatsoever that there's this girl, silently watching him from afar.

Yeah and that girl would be me. The invisible girl. The wallpaper. I may be loud, happy-go-lucky but only few have determined my "heart" when it comes to assessing my real feelings for a guy. My closest church friend seemed to be afraid for me if I do enter a real relationship one day. She's scared that I might fall too hard and have a difficult time to come back up, if there will ever come a time that such relationship will come to a bitter end.

Right now, I'm in love with someone. He doesn't know. And I don't want him to know. I've learned from my few experiences that letting the person you like know about your feelings will push a friendship in an ugly state. I lost a close friend back in college because of that. The second time it happened, I'm lucky that we still talk now, this guy I fell in love with two years ago. I was just like any other hopeful girl, thinking she's the one who will change him for the better. But alas, I wasn't the girl meant for him, he's now in a happy relationship with someone and I'm genuinely happy for him.

And now, this current guy I'm in love with is actually taken. Yeah, I've always expected things like that to happen. I never learned. It's not a good deal to fall in love with guys way out of my league. He's not even my ideal type, I don't know what actually happened, I just realized that I like him. It ended in a rollercoaster ride of trying to get his attention to giving up, then to a sudden miraculous twist to our friendship then back again to nothing. It just feels weird that I still try to get close to him but I fearfully backed out whenever I see him with her. Seeing the girl whom I know actually fits her, they're a perfect pair. No one can deny that fact. It might be not that hard to accept, but inside of me, I want to just magically change into this prettier girl so I can have him. So that he will notice me.

Indeed, such jealousy is not good. I'm sure he doesn't even see more than an acquaintance, a passing time, a student he can just say hi and hello once in a while. Just like those other guys who have come and go in my life, no one ever looked at me beyond a fleeting glance for a stranger, a friend or an acquaintance. No one.

A nagging prick in my pathetic dignity, it's such a depressing thought. I just have this simple wish, that one day, someone will look at me specially. One day, I won't have this try-hard attitude to be happy, to be okay when I'm not, when all along, I just feel like I'm a withering flower in need of attention. It sucks to be an underdog, that whatever you do, you're always less appreciated than others. People will only see one-fourths of what you are, of who you are and that's it...

Maybe, I got too much of inconsistencies in my life right now. There's too much unsaid musings, fears, insecurities continually eating me alive... there's too much nagging thoughts I don't want to dwell with, truthfully.

To be loved and appreciated genuinely is all I ever wanted. To find that certain contentment in my heart is what I dream to achieve in time...

Hanbok, Renal Physiology and Eyebags

There's so much going on in my life lately. Okay, scratch that... there's none. I'm just the same old lazy me who wasted the weekend sleeping instead of studying. And right now, I'm harvesting the fruits of my labor, I mean laziness and is studying past midnight. How inspiring is that. Well anyways, I decided to cool off my mind and put something worthwhile in my blog. Hmm, where to start?

HANBOK

Korea is celebrating its Chuseok holidays. I've become aware of it since I'm into K-pop and has been sighting the latest articles of Korean celebrities sending out their Chuseok greetings to the fans garbed in colorful hanbok wear. Ever since I've come across Korea (well, including Korean drama and music), I've always wanted to experience wearing hanbok. I don't know if that will happen anytime in the future, but nevertheless, I want to.

According to few articles I've read, Chuseok holiday is an autumn harvest festival that is Korean equivalent to Thanksgiving (which is famous in USA). If in America, it's turkey that is the main feast in Thanksgiving, one traditional food item prepared in Chuseok celebration is songpyeon, which is a half-moon rice cake.

If anyone reading here is Korean, then I want to greet you a heartwarming "Chuseok holiday greetings" to you and your family.

RENAL PHYSIOLOGY

As I've mentioned, I am studying, well supposed to be studying (but instead is "blogging"). I'm trying to understand Renal Physiology which is a topic that I honestly, don't like that much. Weird. Just an added information, I'm retaking Physiology, so that means, I'm supposedly read the chapters on this topic, but sadly, I didn't finish them too last year. That's why I am practically cramming. Yeah, you heard it right. It's as if I didn't learn anything from my mistakes.

Many would say, understanding how your urine is formed, how it is excreted and blah.. blah blah.. is easy, think again. It's not an easy feat to remember all the intricate details about your renal tubules where our urine is being diluted or concentrated depending on the situation. Let's just say, I'm not really good in understanding in one reading... and that is really a sad case for me. Oh well, I'd try to finish this chapter so I can move on to the next.

EYEBAGS

Well, I'm your girl with the panda eyes, I mean the notorious evident eyebags. There's no point hiding them, you'll clearly see them. I am always envious of those people who pull all-nighters whether it's for party or work and don't look as much stressed as I am with my pair of glorious dark circles.

Sleep is one thing. It's the key to either gain or lose those ugly set of eyebags, but for me, it ain't a luxury. And I just realize, these eyebags are making me uglier than I ever was and there's no point in feeling pretty when I'm not physically.

If you have the same problems as me, then we need to work on this issue. I've heard about natural treatment like placing thin slices of cucumber around the eye area. Or cold compress that can help relax and even out the tension in the eyes. I'd probably do that later, I hope I don't forget.

...

Life ain't fun without the fuzz and the buzz going on around. But for me, I'd go back to studying for now.

Cheers.

AFTERMATH

Finally, the week is over, the weeks of practicing for our first dance performance for this school year has been a huge success. The crowd LOVED our finale performance, it is such an overwhelming feeling hearing their screams. Although a large percent cheered for Moi, one of the newest members who is an awesome dancer, as in, you really need to see her dance and you will just be dumbfounded.
But anyways, I felt bit bad since I think I messed up slightly with THAT dance move I was having a hard time doing, but nevertheless, my classmates and some friends said I did awesome! Oh yeah! One even was in disbelief when she saw me danced, she never knew I was that good. Aww, what a compliment...

It felt so good, to dance.. and when we did the last glance at the crowd and the music faded away, everyone just went wild and my heart was like ... soaring high. It is such an unforgettable evening and the friendships I have made along the way.

Sad though, I will be practicing with them right after semestral break so that will be one or two months from now. I hope I would not gain much weight since I think I lost a bit.. yeah, just a bit with all the sweat I have perspired from all the practice. Hoho.

Before I forgot, the day after the awesome evening of our performance, we had basketball game. We were only five, yes, so that means, I played from first to the last quarter. I almost died out of exhaustion, they were bit concerned if I can still make it through. And despite all that, I managed to get a lay up point, oh yea. I suddenly remembered my time back in college, how nostalgic.

And the funny thing is, we even lost a player since she fouled out so the game ended with four of us playing and winning, yeah yeah! So much fun and exhausting all at the same time, but I am just happy we did it. Abi, the main player is beyond amazing...

Right now, my body is still kind of aching at some areas and I should be really studying. So, good night.

K-POP FEVER

There have been so many happenings in my life for the past year. I'm sad though that I haven't "thought" of ranting them all out here. At least, I'd get to refresh my memories when I read them time and time again. But alas, no time for regrets so let's move on.

I am an irregular medical student. Boo hoo. But we'll talk about it next time. I'm not in the mood to dwell much in depression and disappointments. Let's talk about my latest addiction. Well, it's not really an addiction.. but maybe, it is.

I fell in love with the Korean pop music. Well, at first it was just purely POP, you know, those boy and girl dance groups singing and dancing at the same time. Then, in a steady development, I got deeper into knowing about them and fell in love with those other artists who sing ballad and not just pop. Plus, I searched the treasure islands (I mean K-pop blog sites) where I can search information, latest songs and fashion, and even news about my favorite artists.

So, in all honesty, I am a K-pop lover BUT not an official fan member of any fan club, though. I just can't pick one, that's why.

Continuing with what I am spazzing about, I'll offer you a list of some of those K-pop artists I just adore.. not just "physically" but more on "vocally". I'm that type of girl who craves for the vocal talent and not just the looks.


1. Daesung (Bigbang)

He started off as the underdog member of Bigbang since there have been negative comments that swarmed him, talks like "he's not as handsome as the other members". But ever since I discover Bigbang (which by the way is really really a popular and successful boy group since 2006), he quickly got my attention. There's something in his smile and his humor that seemed to pull you in. Plus, if you hear his voice, you'll just be blown away. He's not just a pop singer, he's good at trot, as well, and is acting. Although, there has been an incident that has pulled him back from the music scene, I just hope he'll recover and return back as a stronger person and will FINALLY perform and record a solo album (since the other members have done it already! YG, give him a chance!!!), I'm sure he'll just capture my heart.

2. GO (MBLAQ)

He emerged in the music scene as part of five-membered crew of MBLAQ under J.Tune Entertainment, which, by the way is headed by the superstar himself, RAIN. Kicking that aside (haha!), GO captured my attention with his "signature look", a mustache that seemed to have worked its magic to many fans. But he got rid of it with their second album and still wowed his female noona fans, nevertheless. Aside from being "hot" and physically fit (he can do the Nike move expertly), his vocals are amazing. His voice just seemed to rock you in a sweet lullaby as he sings a mellow love song or a good pick-me-upper when he sings a happy upbeat song with the other guys.

3. CL (2NE1)

2NE1 has become one of the outstanding K-pop artists in the music scene as of late, with their unique display of fashion, outstanding songs, crazy interesting music videos and explosive stage performances. No wonder, Blackjacks (official fan club) just can't get enough of their girls. My favorite song is I Don't Care, I'm just addicted to that song. But I'm more into is CL, the badass leader and mean rapper of the group. She just screams "total performer is on loose, baby" whenever she gets onstage or gets on screen for their music videos. She's a natural-born performer, she lives to perform and to make it more than a hundred percent good. I thought she's just good at rapping, not much in singing, but she got it in her. Her vocals is good and she knows how to express each song with such charisma, drama and creativity. So, hands down, Miss Chaerin!

4. Hyunseung (B2ST)

In all honesty, I just discovered about B2ST this year. And since then, I liked them, most especially Hyunseung. He is supposed to be a Bigbang member, but sadly got eliminated but find his way again to the music scene through Cube Entertainment as he became part of B2ST. Although vocal-wise, Yoseob is the one garnering much attention, I have to say, Hyunseung's got stable vocals, as well. It doesn't sound whiny or forced, I enjoy listening to him sing. Plus, I just adore his personality... he is something. He's not your normal, regular guy and I find it very irresistible.

5. Jiyoon (4Minute)

When 4Minute debuted, they were quickly compared to 2NE1. With all honesty, I kind of compared them but ended up liking them when I saw their music video for "What a Girl Wants". I love their adorable personalities, but recently, they go more for that "sexy look" appeal which works for them. She's one of my favorites in the group, her and Gayoon, since both of them are powerful vocalists. They can hit the high notes and still look so good, especially Jiyoon. She's more like the CL-type, you know, badass, sexy chic who can rap and sing.
...

There's so much more artists that I adore in the Korean music scene, as well as celebrities (actors/actresses), plus those variety shows that I just find hard not to watch. I hope you are interested in K-pop, but if not, oh well, I just hope you don't go bashing them or whatever. Haha. Peace.

The Return

It has been ages since I've visited this first personal blog of mine and updated it with a noteworthy post. It's more than year already and here I am, already started with another blog. Yeah. Yeah. I apologize but that blog is somewhat more focused on another line of my career... DANCING.
If you're interested, do check it out here --> http://sayawdemedisina.blogspot.com

I would be so happy to hear comments from you guys. And I think it would be fun to post in here again..

So, yeah. I am back.

Annyeong!