At Your Side

THREE things that provoked me to think if I am a good friend.
THREE statements friends tell me why they don't come to me..
why they don't seek me..
and why, possibly, I don't know that much about them.

Honestly, I care too much about the answer 'coz I don't feel that I'm one when people you call your "friends" do not seem to mind at all. Or am I just being too sensitive on the matter?

1. You have so many problems already, I don't want to add to your burdens.

Isn't one purpose of a friend is someone you can unload your problems to? Then, why the heck do they refrain from talking to me? Do I have that much of an aura of someone who doesn't want to be disturbed? I know myself, I am much of a listener as well as a talker, but I do listen when someone talks. Am I not that worthy to be hearing a friend's stories, may it be problems or chitchats? I just can't help but feel bothered, even with my own brother, he doesn't get to open up with me. What hurts most is to hear stories of his life from a friend who seem to know that much. Sucks big time.

2. You're already busy, I don't want to disturb you.

Anyone can be busy. Yet, despite being busy, I can make time if you want to talk to me. At this point in my life where I don't have company in the apartment where I'm staying in, I will love the presence of a friend who will come around just to talk with me. I do appreciate the fact when I'm needed, when I know I can help someone with my own efforts. I love the idea that I'm someone they can depend on, not just to laugh with. Being with friends is an escape from the hectic life of being a student.

3. You're the stuff toy.

I've heard this from a friend, referring to my status in my high school batchmates' circle of guy friends. Why? She said it because I'm someone the guys can laugh with, joke around simply or just hang out with. I should be happy, right, but am I just that? Can't I be more than the group's stuff toy? Am I just the "clown" who just knows how to crack a joke or two? Can't they trust me with their stories or problems?

Maybe, I'm at fault in the first place.
All this time, I try to be approachable, outgoing, friendly, thoughtful and sensitive to the point that I'm willing to exert my best just to make my friends happy or okay.
Yet, as time passes, I'm feeling all left out.
Despite my efforts to reach out, to seek my friends, I don't seem to know what the hell is going on around them.
Is it because I don't ask? I'm not the type of person to insist on someone to talk unless he/she takes the initiative..
I respect their privacy.
Is it wrong to think that way?
Where the heck am I wrong anyway?

Why after all these years of being the friendly person that I am, I always feel down whenever I'm alone to think things over?
I really wonder why.