CHECK THE FUTURE.

DESTINY

Fate or destiny, whatever you call it, most people believe on that. That mere idea of meeting someone, as if the said incidence is planned by the Higher powers, it's a purpose driven by power of fate, as they say. It's like  thread connects two persons, and whatever happens, they will meet one day. Every scene in one's life leads to another, as if a certain hidden purpose works its way to make things happen as it is planned. As if you're destined to make this happen, as if it's your destiny to meet this special someone in your life.

[Just one funny event... rare but it just fall in th right places.. as if fated. I'm playing Tiny Towers in my Itouch... and the game has this special Facebook like part wherein the mini pixel characters living in my tower can post their statuses (of course pre-programmed already in the game). But imagine my shock, when I decided to open a can of Cheez Curls, even asking my mom for permission, something unexpected happened. At that time, I was even saying that I'll probably finish everything off because I like it. After that I checked my game again to re-stock the products of each floor, when I decided to check the Bitbook (FB-like app in the game). I read this latest status of one character, expressing his fondness for Cheez Curls. I actually re-read the status if I'm reading it right, while looking at the can of Cheez Curls in front of me. Funny though, I have been playing game for so long, it's the first time that status appeared. Most of the statuses shown kept on repeating themselves... but this one, it just happened right there and then that I'm also eating Cheez Curls. Wow!]

But, it's rather sad if people just let the destiny do its work and not work for it anymore. I believe that, it's not just fate or destiny that puts us to where we are, it's our own desire and perseverance, toiling our way to achieve whatever we want to achieve. It's not just waiting for the apple to fall from its branch, or waiting for the sun to rise or set, without doing anything worthwhile.

DREAMS

I love it when I dream of good dreams, but freak out so much when it's either scary or mind-boggling. I remember two memorable scary dreams I had, that I had to be awakened by my Dad forcefully because I was crying so hard. Also, there was this one time, just this month where I literally screamed out loud... that Dad rushed to my bedroom and woke me up. I thought the dream was so real, but the reason why I was shouting was out of frustration, the mood that I was in, in that dream. But lately, my dreams seemed to be real and seemed to hold a special meaning... although I just can't figure them out. Are they just brought out by my hidden desire or wild imagination... or they hold a "futuristic message"... something that tells me about the future. If I try to remember well, there were moments in the scene that may have already happened to me.. not probably as similar as I saw it in my dream.. but something analogical. There was this one dream where I saw my "crush"... and I actually caught him looking at me. Days or weeks after that, there was this event that he was one of the players, and I was just one of the bystanders. I actually avoided looking at his direction.. but when I accidentally did.. he was looking at my direction.. not sure if really looking at me. I often wondered why it happened.. but it did. Just this morning, I had two dreams, but sadly they're not as vivid as I want to..as much as I've wanted to have written it fast on my journal upon waking up, I just wasn't able to. The first dream revolved about a stranger who seemed to be interested in me... and not only that, it's just not one guy.. it's probably a group I think who seemed to like me positively.. which in real life, is NOT happening. In the second dream, the people were familiar faces... and one guy who I know, joked around being my boyfriend when I teased about buying a boyfriend... instead of a new phone. Funny.. because that guy...I just recently liked him because of his good dancing skills.

Dunno what my future holds.. or if my dreams have some kind of "premonition" approach... I don't have any clue. But honestly, I often wonder if they do.

IMAGINATION

I have a wide imagination, I always say. Friends often get amused at my random monologues that would eventually spring up a story.. with my own made-up scenes and events. Probably, one reason why I love to write stories because it's an outlet for all these sort of thoughts brewing in my head. And one thing interesting for me.. is that most of these products of my imaginations get to be part of something officially being shown in televesion, or other media instruments. Like when I was imagining myself as a trainee in Korea who gets popular.. I wrote something about debuting a cameo role in a Korean drama entitled City Hunter, little did I know, days after that, I learned from the latest Korean showbiz news about a new drama entitled City Hunter, starring Lee Minho and Park Minyoung. And I was like... "Whoa". It's just one of those occurrences that I've encountered in my life. Apart from that, when I watch drama, may it be Filipino or foreign movies, I always tend to make up my own conclusions to what might happen... trying to put two and two together. I never did expect when I find out, the actual events in the drama are near close to what I just assumed. Awesome! That's why, I have this habit of being able to deduce the story events even though I miss out certain episodes, I still get the flow... even if you made me watch the episodes in the middle. I think, I'm just weird like that? Haha... but I'm enjoying it.

Everything I've said reminded me when I was doing this "premonition act" with my highschool classmates. I'd just touch their hand and whatever comes first in my mind, I try to make a feel of it.. and share whatever I see. It's actually a joke in the beginning with my best friend... but then she told me what I just created as "premonition scene" for her actually happened. So the word spread fast... and all my other classmates wanted their palms to be read.. when actually, I'm not reading anything. It's as if my mind's working on images that comes at once whenever I touch them. And funny but scary, most of what I told them happens. I actually stopped it... I was too scared to believe it, plus I believe more in God... and I don't have real power to even make premonitions. But it's just weird that whatever I think of most of the time.... it actually happens.. whenever I check the news... or surf the net.. there's something happening quite related with what just went through my mind. Oh well.

So many thoughts, but I have to sleep. Just want to let these out.. .Whew!

HEARTY UPDATE: SNOWMAN AND ME

I've never been too open with my hidden feelings for him. Only few knows the real score, only few who understands my real emotions towards him. I'm always scared of too many people discovering the truth, how I'm painstakingly denying the fact, that... most probably, I'm still liking him way too much.

It's a good thing, I think, that I don't see him that much compared to last year. It has been a year now since I accidentally fell for him, more than year when I met him for the first time... I can still remember those short memories I've spent with him, as a stranger, as an acquaintance, as a classmate, as a schoolmate... as a "supposedly-to-be-friend".

It's funny that our relationship comprises of inconsistent peaks, going up in rare moments, then going down most of the time. There were those times when we literally greet each other, where we acknowledge each other's presence. And most of the time, it was an ordeal, trying to find the courage to say a simple hello, or wave a little at him. And every rare moment I saw him with her... it's like one little pointed needle, pricking my heart deep and hard.

He is out of my league, I am sure of that. And I have to blame myself for losing my cool... and losing my confidence in just randomly greeting him. When in fact, we already know each other and it seems both of us have decided to just let go of that. He never did say hi to me again, and I am sure, it's because of me. The mere image I project towards him probably pushed him away... farther away from my reach. Yeah, such a good act on my part.

I kept on telling my roommate I have moved on, or rather, I AM MOVING ON. Moving on from what, you may ask, when we haven't been in any relationship? Moving on from hoping too much... that he's meant for me. Funny that I even thought of that, in the first place, I didn't put any effort to get closer to him. Or I've always known from the beginning there's no way he'll fall for me. Yes, that would be it. There's no way he will.

I am scared to really fall in love. Cases such as these are the reasons why. Liking someone then running away when he gets near, scared out of my wits, all because I'm way drowning in my pool of insecurities and fears. It's rather a good thing to find my own self first and learn to love me, all of me before letting go. If not, I'd probably be all broken when I fall and kept on falling in the end... without no one catching me.

I'm just happy actually because he liked a status in my Facebook wall which I just posted an hour ago. I'm actually surprised he did that, then I realized I liked a status of him minutes before he did that. So, I'm wondering if it's just an act of give-and-return relationship, or something like that. But still, I'm just glad... there were so many first time happenings that I've encountered when it comes to him. 

Mr. Snowman, thank you.

AYE, AYE CAPTAIN!

Being a leader is not an easy task. I'm sure I am not the only one who thinks that. Assuming such position requires a lot of perseverance, patience and commitment to do your part, as well as lead the pack. Like an Alpha, for the case of wolves, the others look up at you and listen to what you have to say. There's no room for doubts and uncertainty, you have to emanate such confidence that will make them put their trust in you. It's definitely hard, that's why, I always get this fear of taking such responsibility.

Yes, I have to say, I had experiences of being a leader, but all through those experiences, I have to say, most of the time, I fail in being a good one. I always lack something along the way, apart from failing to accomplish certain tasks, which just eventually made me more unsure of my capabilities. As much as I want to do my very best, there's always a niche for error, in my case.

Why am I ranting something about this? It's because I've just been elected the president for our district's youth federation, if you can call it that way. If you compare my participation before, I'm more active now compared to way back in my younger years. It's more like when I stepped onto college that I found my confidence in being part of the youth organization, to help with activities and bond with the youth. And now, I'm more of post-grad student, I tend to mingle more and have always been teased to be so hyper and talkative.

I can already feel the pressure. Yes, I have been there when two of my closes friends in the district were presidents. I have been part of their years leading the group, participating in activities, extending my help. But now, I'm definitely sure it's different. I'm not just behind the scenes anymore, I'm actually the one leading already - the one with the highest burden of making the last final decision, the carrying the torch with every advocate the group intends to start with. As much as I want to hide and step away from the limelight, there's no turning back. I don't know if they vote-slash-elected me out of confident that I can do it... or scared of being voted in the first place.. but I don't want to ruin their good image of me. I want to prove my worthiness of being casted in this position in the first place.

I still have my worries, I still have my fears, but I want to be brave enough to carry on God's will. If He intends me this, ever since, then I will faithfully follow. I'm tired of being too insecure and scared of my own troubles, I want to change for the better. I'm sure God believes in me, as much as these youth believe in me. I want to believe in myself and in my capabilities. I want to shed off my negative thoughts and focus on the upbringing of the best of each and every youth in the district. And also, to be closer to them as I hope to be.

I may lack in some ways, may it be physical or emotional-wise, but I won't learn to grow if I don't experience first-hand, right? So, God bless me and the youth federation as we head for another year. May we serve as good servants of the Lord, reaching to others and molding ourselves, as well, to be good and God-fearing Christians.

Good luck to me and the new council!

LET'S SET FORTH TO A NEW ADVENTURE!

MR. GENTLEMAN and MS. SENSITIVE

Amidst life of an irregular medical student, I still realize time is never to be wasted upon doing nothing. If better, I should be engaged in doing something, may it be inclined in academics (which is much, much better) or other stuff, like recreational or random interests at one point in time. But the real deal is, I always find myself either busy or wanting time to lengthen for a bit, just to give enough chance to finish something, like reading a chapter in Guyton. In such a hurry, one might think I don't notice everything else around me. Actually, it's the opposite. That very moment of being on a jeepney ride or an elevator, escalator or a van, gives me the chance to think, to ponder over random things on my head... or look at the passing scenery along the road, or at few times, glance at a cute little kid sitting beside her mommy. It becomes a relief, something that allows me to leave the toxic world for a while and just relax my mind. I try to be more positive in life, despite being a repeater, in the first place, to try plastering a real smile on my face, something that will get me by and beyond the rambling insecurities and gloominess of my depressed heart.

Yes. I am a sensitive person. Despite being talkative and too cheerful whenever I'm with close friends, I tend to be unapproachable when I'm walking alone, on the street or just across the medical building's hallway. I always overthink. What if it's not good to smile at him, when we haven't really been introduced properly? What if she thinks I'm assuming too much on the level of our friendship? Am I too possessive that she likes to be away from me during the day? Things like that go over my head and seriously, these thoughts will literally choke me for the rest of the day that I eventually end up being moody. That's how sensitive I can be. I tend to feel suddenly left alone... and I'll assume the worst from it. Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I don't belong... why I'm just like a passing drifter, never sticking to one group, never really belonging to a tight clique.

But between my inner shell of sensitivity and clashing worlds of medical school and reality, there lies that zone... where I still find something to make me think more. As if being a medical student is not nerve-wracking enough to use my brain, like in laboratory conferences, for an instance. Just yesterday, I left the dorm for my afternoon class, and unfortunately the weather was not really nice. It was raining hard, plus the wind was definitely strong, that it can rip my umbrella apart if I'm not careful enough. So, I stood at the streetside and waited for a jeepney that will take me to the university. To make the introduction short, I saw the jeepney and took the ride. Making my way towards the jeepney was already a fail. I forgot to open my umbrella so I got shock when I walked from the shed and across the street. And just when I wanted to open the umbrella, the wind forced it close, so I got too focused on opening it again. A horn blared and I realized I'm standing still in the middle of the street and a jeepney is already towards me. Trying to save myself, I slipped in the middle of that small distance between the two jeepneys just to get inside one of them. To make matters worse, just when I think I'm already safe, while inside the jeepney, I tried to look for a vacant seat, but the driver suddenly geared the jeepney forward, so I unfortunately succumbed to inertia. You know the feeling of being helpless and your weight just got sucked in downwards (thanks gravity!). Good heavens, someone supported me and it was a guy wearing all black. I was literally shocked and so embarrassed. Finally I got my seat which was across this guy who was my "lifesaver"... I don't know if I was able to really say thank you properly, though. That's when I realize, a gentleman is in front of me. And oh boy, a gentleman still exists. I felt like the luckiest girl in the planet, or just make it in that jeepney for discovering someone like him. I felt like in this world, in this recent time, only few gentleman exist. And I'm just very grateful, he was there when I had an unfortunate incident. So glad.

Thank you, Mr. Gentleman-in-Black, you literally saved a damsel in distress. Cheers!

WALK BACK IN ELBI

Wow, so it has been more than a week since I updated this blog. But anyways, I had a tiring moment yesterday, since I went to LB, Laguna to get some needed documents. You see, I just learnt last semester that I was lacking some important files, according to the Medicine office. As much as I want to insist that I've already passed those files, I have no choice but to request again from my college (UPLB), don't forget pay for them again. I actually already went there to request for it, two weeks ago... and finally, went back yesterday to get them.

It was a long travel, for the fact that I left the house near lunch time, since I woke up late and my pace was slow for my usual self. The travel took so long, not what I was hoping it will be, but nevertheless, I finally arrived in the campus after almost 3 hours. I felt so haggard with the sun-and-rain weird weather also taking its toll on us, the passengers along the way. Thank God, my "inaanak" from my college organization got stuck up with some paper works, so she did something to pass by the time, waiting for me. We planned to have lunch together, but unfortunately, our 1pm schedule got fast-tracked to a super late lunch meal... at 3 in the afternoon.

There are so many fancy and awesome diners-slash-restaurant-and-cheap-food shops in LB... that back in my college days, I rarely go to them. I mostly go to the usual fast food (McDonald's and KFC)... and in my favorite cozy carinderia, just across the alleyway that leads to the apartment unit that I used to stay back then. Going back to LB brings back so many odd memories... of me, most of the time... alone. Funny. I'm actually not a fan of going out, but I mostly do it with my orgmates Aryani and Lauren, who were also neighbors back then. But most of the time, I usually sulk inside my apartment unit, I feel more comfortable. Plus, I'm not also a food voyer back then, unlike now who wants to try anything that I set my eyes and curiosity into.

But there's this one store that I still remember, I used to eat once or twice there back then. Since I'm very much into Korean food, especially maki rolls, I suggested to Tammy, my "inaanak" that we grabbed our late lunch there. I actually learnt the day before that the shop re-opened up in new place, second floor of the Anker's building.. the one where the bustling Boston Cafe is famous to be located in the ground floor, the place where we stayed most of the time during Physiology's research paper works. That coffee shop that had me "seriously sick" of frappes after one week of being there.. and ordering time and time again, but I had no problem of the place, it's cozy and is a wifi hotspot.

Tammy ordered a combo, I forgot to check out the name and also failed to get a snapshot, but it had tonkatsu in there, and a colorful kani salad. It looks good to me. For my case, I decided to have a bowl of chicken teriyaki and a plate of tekka maki rolls. As much as I want to get California maki, I can't since I'm not allowed to eat seafood (well except fish, due to religious beliefs)... so I intentionally ordered the tuna rolls.

CHICKEN TERIYAKI

TEKKA MAKI

I really had a nice full tummy after that delicious well, I couldn't ask for more. Even if it's a simple-looking meal, I didn't regret choosing to eat there. Plus, I didn't spend so much, despite ordering such type of meals... which are really more expensive when I buy in my favorite Asian restaurant back here in Manila. I had a nice "short visit" in LB, apart from seeing few of my fellow orgmates in our tambayan.. in Wing A of the IBS Building.

Add-ons:

The day before my visit to Elbi, I went back home with my Dad right after his "own office hours". Since I miss taking photos as of late, I think Madame Fenk (my digital camera), if she's a real person, she's probably pissed off at me for not hanging out with her anymore. So, due to that, I experimented with my iTouch's latest camera-app. - something called Leme, and decided to take some shots. Although I'm no official expertise on this field, I still love taking pictures, especially my favorite subjects - my cats, street lights and clouds, oh and food too. So, here's few of those experimental shots.

STREET LIGHTS [along Macapagal Avenue]

MY PHOTOGENIC CAT, LAX

MY FAVORITE MODEL

So, before I end this post, here's me, a snapshot while being the first passenger "alone" in the Alabang-Lawton bus. Yeah, forgive me for the uneven eyebags, haha! The red hue is not due to camea effects, it's thanks to the red curtain, creating that kind of ambience and color in this photo. Haha.

MANILA-BOUND

CLOTHES-HUNTER

I become a little knowledgeable about the world of clothes, bags and even shoes when I entered college. Before that, I'm always okay with wearing a loose shirt and jogging pants when there's a practice event in school. Even back in church, I mostly wear unflattering large blouse and denim long skirt. Since the university I was enrolled then has no uniform policy, I was forced to buy clothes for me to wear - acceptable clothes. Since then, I've become enlightened with wearing what I think suits me best and until now, I've been more courageous with trying and mixing stuff to wear in church or to other events (since med school has uniform). One thing I noticed... I prefer wearing shorts back in college... but lately, I'm also enjoying wearing pants although I only got 2 that I am comfortable wearing. How sad is that?

One might say that branded clothes are better, scouting the malls for the best looking dress or blouse or pants to wear. But in my part, I'm actually satisfied with wearing even if it's not from a well-known brand, as long as the material is okay, the sewn details are tight and I look good at it. When I buy clothes, I always think of options... like "what I can partner it with?", "what look will best suit wearing this".. and so on and on. I mostly buy new clothes on a monthly basis or if there's a special event.

But I'm more inclined to scouting my favorite ukay-ukay store to look for the cheap clothes that still look new (like checking the condition before buying). Plus, I buy clothes that for me have unique pieces incorporated in the look, not those same looks that I also encounter in the malls. So, here's some of them that I have bought and am happy with. 

The sparkling black ribbon and sleeves caught my eye on this one...I like the details of the blouse.

The mere fact that it is black and white plus cat print all over wins my attention.

LBD - the lacy zigzag see-through pattern on the upper half of the dress makes it classy with a touch of vintage.

Yes, no question about it... the zebra on both front and back in this long dress is win-win for me.

I actually bought it week before dance practice started this year.. it's cozy, poncho-like loose top with skulls-print.

What actually triggered me to buy this is that cute dainty ribbon, a pretty attraction for a plain sheer grey top. Plus, it can be an put over your beach bikini as a sexy cover-up, right?

I don't wear it that much often, I'm wearing for the cold season to really take its toll. It's comfy and long-sleeved, as well. The stars and good shade of blue caught my eye.

My dad is the least happy whenever he finds out that I bought another dress from the ukay-ukay store. He always tells me they're dirty. I for one actually clean them before wearing... put it in disinfection and laundry-clean stages. Also, I have a friend who is also not interested talking about curses and such. I don't know much about beliefs on ukay-ukay, but I only go to this one store which I trust, plus nothing happened bad.

It's actually fun to look at racks of clothes, may it be in ukay-ukay store or in the nearest shopping mall, especially during sale. There's nothing cool to grab an awesome dress with a discounted price, with your student budget, right?

DETACHED

Azul, the blue lovebird died this morning. That was the first news that woke me up earlier today. If I can remember it clearly, I saw the bird's head hanging on the plastic thread that is draped above the cage. It's sad to see such a scene.

The first thought the came to my mind is ... "poor bird". He probably suffered from suffocation before dying. My mom even commented that the bird committed suicide. It's such a cruel fate and we're at fault as well. We let that plastic thread hang on the cage and be played by the birds that it ended becoming the reason of the death of one of them. Such a careless act on our part that caused a life.

The second thought that came to mind is ... "what will happen to his partner?". I've been observing Sol, the yellow bird that is now residing alone in their cage. She seemed anxious all the time, staying in the lower part of the cage, head leaning against the railings of the cage. Most of the time, she kept on chirping. I felt lonely for her, to be left alone out of the blue.

Funny though, the situation made me realize that being lonely is not a happy situation to be. My brother even commented about Sol's situation.

"Kawawa naman siya. Wala na siya kasabay kumain, uminom. Wala na siya kasama."

(Poor bird, she doesn't have any companion anymore while eating and drinking. She's alone now.)

True. I've never liked being alone, although most of the time, I do that. I always assure myself this is better, I can do things without being distracted. But at the end, I crave for a companion, I crave for someone to spend the afternoon with me, or accompany me some place I want to go and have fun.

Last night, I got this chance to watch this korean comedy-drama in KBS, entitled "He Who Can't Marry". [KBS 2009]

It's about a man who is a stubborn man in his forties that is insistent on not planning to marry. Plus, his personality makes him not an ideal candidate for women finding their husband-to-be. Although despite his flaws, he's perfect in his work as an accomplished architect. On the other hand, here comes a doctor who is also single, but unlike this man, wants to find the perfect guy to get married to, but haven't found him. It's enlightening when you listen to the characters' lines, how clashing they can be. And I thought, "wow, who would I be like when I come around that age?". Will I be still single and still on a lookout for that perfect man? Or would I be like Cho Jae Hee that believes it depends on your view in life... that you can be happy even being single. You don't spend too much money since you don't have a wife and kids to take care of.

I don't think I can survive until old age being single. I think God created man and woman to live in companionship. No man is an island, there's a popular saying that goes like that. I hope Sol, our yellow bird won't be too lonely, or if possible will have a companion soon so she won't be too sad without someone to chirp with, to eat with or to even play around, especially at this time, I think she and Azul are pretty closer than before.

And I hope too, I won't be single for the rest of my life. I'm happy being single as of now, but in my point of view, I still want to have my own family someday.

HOT WATERS

Someone had the nerve to throw a bucket of hot water on our dogs. Yeah. Imagine my horror when my brother greeted me a rather somber expression when I woke up.

"Ate, tingnan mo si Chummy." (Sis, go check out Chummy.) I suddenly felt scared, wondering what's worst could I see. Upon chccking out our backyard, lo and behold, my dog whimpering. It's not what caught my eye, but the large patches of burnt skin on her left side of the body. I can't imagine posting a photo of her, despite wanting to, just to show you how cruel sight it was. I panicked, so much, I don't know what to do first. I didn't take a bath, sent text messages to my dad and to a friend who has vehicle, hoping she'll take me to the clinic fast. Sadly, she's not replying yet and my dad wanted us to take Chummy after church service. No way, no way will I let Chummy wait with blood oozing from the burnt patch of skin. Writing this provokes me to cry, it's so painful seeing that in your dog, seeing how much pain she's going through. Her mother Res is unusually loud, barking, trying to get our attention. My brother thought she was just hungry, but they were already fed last night, and I though they're full. But I think, she's also panicking for her daughter and probably trying to tell me via dog language... that something bad indeed happened.

So, I hurriedly asked my brother to fetch a tricycle so that I can travel faster to the nearest veterinary clinic. The assistant and the two customers who were there were surprised when they see me carrying my dog, seeing those burnt patches all over her left body. Yeah, I can feel for them, what more me who is a family. She felt so weak in my arms, cozying up closer to me as I placed her on the clinic desk. I'm proud she got the injections without so much fuss but it still pains me to see she's really not enjoying it. The sight of her in that condition strikes a nerve, I just want to get out and take revenge to whoever did this to her. Although I haven't been that hands-on in taking care of her, since I'm not always at home, she's still close to my heart. I've wanted to take care of her myself back in college, but the apartment where I'm in has rules, so I had to take her back home.

I hope other dogs won't have this fate like my dog. How I wish I could catch whoever is the culprit behind this. My dog is not even prowling around the community, she's just in the lot behind our house, around close perimeter. So why the heck? What is that person's problem to even THINK of throwing that boiling water over our dogs. No way is that accidental, no way! I have an idea who that person could be, but I don't want to fall into false accusation. I just let it all to God and prayed for our dogs' recover, especially Chummy.

P.S.

It's BOILING WATER. No way will that happen if it's just plain warm water. My dog's freaking burnt. It's like she got burnt by fire. Karma's a bitch, but I'll just let life take its toll on whoever that culprit is, whatever his/her punishment will be for such cruel action.

THE COMPOSER

Music is my escape from everything. Well, it used to be reading a romantic novel, all cuddled up in my bed, forgetting everything else around me. But since I get stuck up with reading nothing except medical books and transes, I seek refuge from the stress by listening to a song, may it be gospel or some cheesy love song. In the end, I always feel much better.

But actually, it's not merely music that drives me away from insanity. It's mostly God who speaks to me through those soulful lyrics, like from a favorite church hymn I sing. It is Him who transcends His voice in me through the wonderfully written lyrics that strengthen me each day. When I miss reading the Bible, I end up listening to music instead. The words give me divine inspiration and mostly, a warm guiding pat on my back.

True enough, I've been exposed to gospel music since time can tell. Actually, I grew up listening to them and just got exposed to secular music when I reached the sixth grade in elementary. I sing secular now, not to mention those K-pop faves of mine, but I also love gospel songs. And beyond that, I love composing songs.

The problem lies in not being "talented enough" to incorporate my composition with an instrument. So, what I mean to say, is I compose song right from scratch, my own lyrics with my own melody in an instant, without any guidance of a piano or guitar accompaniment. It would have been better if I can, too, so I'd be like Taylor Swift or something. I'm not into being a famous girl, I just want to have the chance to voice out my words in music. But despite that, it didn't stop me from composing with own capabilities.

Honestly, I feel so accomplished today. The other night, I was up late but ended up composing a gospel song. The lyrics are not originally written by me, but by David, author of the book of Psalms. Yes, my song is divinely inspired by the Bible. That moment felt surreal, the melody just came out of my voice and it's somehow overwhelming when I actually finished it. I am not a good singer so I'm so keen in having my church friend sing it for me. And when it happened this morning, it's beyond happiness. It's like my intimate connection with God just step up another notch, to be able to sing praises to Him. It's a gratifying pleasure, especially coming from me, who personally thinks I lack in so many things when it comes to communicating with Him.

Composing is one of my hobbies, aside from writing. It feels great when you think your works can have a chance to be voiced out, and in so doing, be used to glorify God. I want to be used by Him but I always end up being scared that I won't do okay.. that I will just fail in whatever mission He gives me.

But as my friend told me today, "this probably is one of God's purpose for me...". And yes, I'd gladly accept and will not second-thought of composing songs for Him and Him only.

By the way, I don't have any idea how to patent my original song and the songs to come. We like to come up with a collection so the songs can be sung by our district youth members as a choir one day. :)

Rambling thoughts on exams, pimples and more....

This week has been a toxic week for me even if my TWO examinations were postponed for next week. Thank Typhoon pedring for the two consecutive days with suspended classes.

For four days straight, I have been reading and reading and reading and reading ... only taking time to rest during meals and short naps and a somewhat good night rest. I have an easier case compared with my roommate who is still taking examinations until Saturday and next week, as well. She has been endlessly hovering her eyes on numerous handouts of different topics under different subjects. Imagine how her brain and eyes and her body are faring! I commend her hardworking spirit, so I am kind of influenced by her. I was also stuck on my chair, reading and reviewing for Renal physiology. I am still not done, actually, there is more to review, but I decided to take a break. But I have to say, thank goodness I love reading and writing, so I still get by. It feels good when you understand things more when you reread them. I just hope I remember most of what I have read for the examination next week! And seriously, reading topics on Renal for the past days, did something to my usual bathroom break routine! I have been going back to the bathroom in a much shorter period in between, even though I have not drank that much water. Hmm!

Aside from reading, I have been doing a new regime for my facial care. I visited a derma clinic last week, hoping to get some positive help for my existent facial problems, like pimples. She gave me few stuff to try, plus reminders of avoiding certain products. I do not know if it is actually working, since my pimples are still here... on my face. But when I observe my face, I think there is somewhat changes, but I am not sure. I have to check it with the dermatologist to see if it is really effective for me. Having pimples is such a sensitive issue for me since I have been having a hard time controlling it, they just come and go, whether I am stressed or just having my monthly menstrual flow. I just want to be bit prettier, if it is not too much to ask. Do not even start with my pair of eyebags, they are there ever since!

Apart from the academic and physical issues of my life, my social life is not in its highest level. I do not have a boyfriend, so let us put an X mark on the love life box and move on. Me and Ate L have decided to go for a weekend trip in Subic this October. We have been planning on it earlier this year, but it just did not push through. Out of excitement to have our close friends to join, news reached me that their families want to join in the fun, since my parents are going with us. If only we have our own car, we can have the trip with just us girls, but nevertheless, I do not know what is supposed to happen next. I should probably talk to my Dad about this, if we are still pushing through since the number of people joining has increased! I just hope I can have a fun weekend trip this semestral break.

It is close to the end of the first semester, my first semester as an irregular medical student. Until now, I still feel embarrassed but have learned to accept it, since I am first and foremost, the one at fault. There have been so many what ifs that have scoured my mind every time I see the Second Year students, my once upon a time batchmates, but ended up to be my Upper Year schoolmates. Nevertheless, I will not give up, even if my brain is stuck up on a certain Acid Base chapter discussion, I will still move on.

There is no harm trying my best...at least, there will be no regrets from now on.

Fighting!

MOVIE REVIEW AND A DOSE OF SELF-INSECURITIES

So, this movie is like released a year ago and I just WATCHED it today. Yeah. But anyways, this movie is beyond hilarious and heartwarming, at the same time. It sparked something in me, something I honestly connected with the character's personal stories.

MOVIE REVIEW:

I love the concept of the story itself. It's not fictional, it actually happens in reality. Whether we deny it, it happens. Such scenes are in fact, may have happened once in our life - being bullied, difficulty in letting go of the shadows of the past, messing up, trying to give others a second chance... and the thing that I'm most guilty of .. being insecure.

The movie has the right tone, the perfect actresses and actors to play each character with such finesse and humor, the light drama but at the same, direct to the point. I enjoyed every second of watching it. There's a fine line of lesson to learn from, something people tend to forget, tend to take for granted.

Mistakes help us learn. What's done in the past is IN the past. If we can't let go from it, it will just haunt us forever. But most of the times, those shadows of the past actually strengthened us to do our best, to step up to the challenge and be better. Life is not perfect. People are not flawless, we're just "humans". Yet, to forgive and forget is the special key for a lifelong success and happiness.

PERSONAL VIEW:

As the movie ended, I didn't quite yet absorb the essence of the story. Well, I did understand its role in the characters' lives, but in mine, I didn't think much over it... just yet. But due to unforeseen circumstance that left me crying helplessly inside my room, everything suddenly connected and made sense. So much sense.

Back in high school, I was one of the "honor students". You know those type of students praised for their academic excellence, thought to have a very good future ahead of them. I lived in the pedestal of my hard work and my eagerness to pass every examination... to make my parents proud. You might think I'm THAT popular, but no. If I were, I could've a boyfriend or a clique of friends who will last until this very moment.

I wasn't the bullied geek, but more or less the girl that people enjoyed "hanging" out with. To joke around, to tease lightly, to plainly have fun with. And nothing more. I'm never the one guys think of as "serious" except when it comes to studying. I can remember the term used by one of my high school classmates... "I'm the stuff toy". How can I be complimented with that? I laugh out all my insecurities and worries, but inside, I felt jealous of those other people who people always look for, always want to invite to gatherings.

Being not pretty and handicapped didn't make it better for the coming days, as I entered college and even now, in medicine. I always felt like what I do is never enough.

How could I not? Imagine, me trying to do my best, be good in something, but still be less appreciated. To see other people garner much interest and fame makes me feel sickeningly jealous. Yes, I am so insecure of myself.

Every time I look at the mirror, I felt pathetic.

Every time I see myself in the middle of a crowd, I felt so left out.

I'm still in this place where I can't even feel so accomplished. I felt like all my efforts are not good enough, still not good enough.... still not good enough.

I'm so afraid to meet people from my past. Will they be so disappointed in me? I've seen those looks in people before, those looks that made me feel I'm so ugly, I'm so incomplete, I'm so pathetic.

That it makes me so scared to even try... to even feel like I'm pretty.

I also want to have a happy ending one day, a happy ending with someone who loves me, with people who accept and appreciate me... people who will never leave me hanging.

I've been like this for the past years of my life. I want to let go but still can't. I want to be happy but I'm never been a hundred percent happy. I just want to live my life to the fullest but still, I am damn afraid.

NOTES:

I recommend that you watch YOU AGAIN if you haven't watch it yet. It's fun, light, with the right touch of drama and action (yeah, you'll get it when you see it).

And I also recommend that you don't be like me. It's hard to let go of past insecurities and even shadows of past mistakes. Learn to let go soon and live life to the fullest.

PO4: REUNITED

PO4 - name of our "group" [actually stands for Power of Four]

It has been months since we got together like this. I didn't expect that A and R will actually be there in the church. A didn't even tell me when I texted her the other night. But then again, I love good surprises and felt so happy seeing them again.

They're my close companions in church, someone who understand me well, someone who knows my limits and my strengths. I'm so happy to spend some quality time with them, even just for a short time. L is still a constant companion, but it's different if four of us are together.

So, after church services, we dived fast to taking photos. We just love that. Even though, our background isn't appealing as we hoped it would be, since we're located in the second floor of our church building (which is still in the making). But anyways, I had so much fun.

*photo spam in 4, 3, 2, 1.....*

Invisible

I've never been in a normal relationship. To have a boyfriend who you can call or text, flirt and have fun with, be the best of friend you can rely on and the feel like the luckiest girl alive, walking down the streets, hand in hand. Tackling this issue is rather depressing, when in fact I'm one heck of an insecure girl who is just undeniably, a hopeless romantic. I've always dreamed of different scenarios I'd be with the guy I love, but nonetheless, none has ever turned up into reality.

I am not the type of girl who collects crushes, unless it's celebrity crush. I would probably have more than one, I admit. But when it comes to real crush, I'd spend most of the time just looking at a certain someone. That someone who not only caught my eyes, but also my heart off-guard. That special someone who will have no inkling whatsoever that there's this girl, silently watching him from afar.

Yeah and that girl would be me. The invisible girl. The wallpaper. I may be loud, happy-go-lucky but only few have determined my "heart" when it comes to assessing my real feelings for a guy. My closest church friend seemed to be afraid for me if I do enter a real relationship one day. She's scared that I might fall too hard and have a difficult time to come back up, if there will ever come a time that such relationship will come to a bitter end.

Right now, I'm in love with someone. He doesn't know. And I don't want him to know. I've learned from my few experiences that letting the person you like know about your feelings will push a friendship in an ugly state. I lost a close friend back in college because of that. The second time it happened, I'm lucky that we still talk now, this guy I fell in love with two years ago. I was just like any other hopeful girl, thinking she's the one who will change him for the better. But alas, I wasn't the girl meant for him, he's now in a happy relationship with someone and I'm genuinely happy for him.

And now, this current guy I'm in love with is actually taken. Yeah, I've always expected things like that to happen. I never learned. It's not a good deal to fall in love with guys way out of my league. He's not even my ideal type, I don't know what actually happened, I just realized that I like him. It ended in a rollercoaster ride of trying to get his attention to giving up, then to a sudden miraculous twist to our friendship then back again to nothing. It just feels weird that I still try to get close to him but I fearfully backed out whenever I see him with her. Seeing the girl whom I know actually fits her, they're a perfect pair. No one can deny that fact. It might be not that hard to accept, but inside of me, I want to just magically change into this prettier girl so I can have him. So that he will notice me.

Indeed, such jealousy is not good. I'm sure he doesn't even see more than an acquaintance, a passing time, a student he can just say hi and hello once in a while. Just like those other guys who have come and go in my life, no one ever looked at me beyond a fleeting glance for a stranger, a friend or an acquaintance. No one.

A nagging prick in my pathetic dignity, it's such a depressing thought. I just have this simple wish, that one day, someone will look at me specially. One day, I won't have this try-hard attitude to be happy, to be okay when I'm not, when all along, I just feel like I'm a withering flower in need of attention. It sucks to be an underdog, that whatever you do, you're always less appreciated than others. People will only see one-fourths of what you are, of who you are and that's it...

Maybe, I got too much of inconsistencies in my life right now. There's too much unsaid musings, fears, insecurities continually eating me alive... there's too much nagging thoughts I don't want to dwell with, truthfully.

To be loved and appreciated genuinely is all I ever wanted. To find that certain contentment in my heart is what I dream to achieve in time...

Hanbok, Renal Physiology and Eyebags

There's so much going on in my life lately. Okay, scratch that... there's none. I'm just the same old lazy me who wasted the weekend sleeping instead of studying. And right now, I'm harvesting the fruits of my labor, I mean laziness and is studying past midnight. How inspiring is that. Well anyways, I decided to cool off my mind and put something worthwhile in my blog. Hmm, where to start?

HANBOK

Korea is celebrating its Chuseok holidays. I've become aware of it since I'm into K-pop and has been sighting the latest articles of Korean celebrities sending out their Chuseok greetings to the fans garbed in colorful hanbok wear. Ever since I've come across Korea (well, including Korean drama and music), I've always wanted to experience wearing hanbok. I don't know if that will happen anytime in the future, but nevertheless, I want to.

According to few articles I've read, Chuseok holiday is an autumn harvest festival that is Korean equivalent to Thanksgiving (which is famous in USA). If in America, it's turkey that is the main feast in Thanksgiving, one traditional food item prepared in Chuseok celebration is songpyeon, which is a half-moon rice cake.

If anyone reading here is Korean, then I want to greet you a heartwarming "Chuseok holiday greetings" to you and your family.

RENAL PHYSIOLOGY

As I've mentioned, I am studying, well supposed to be studying (but instead is "blogging"). I'm trying to understand Renal Physiology which is a topic that I honestly, don't like that much. Weird. Just an added information, I'm retaking Physiology, so that means, I'm supposedly read the chapters on this topic, but sadly, I didn't finish them too last year. That's why I am practically cramming. Yeah, you heard it right. It's as if I didn't learn anything from my mistakes.

Many would say, understanding how your urine is formed, how it is excreted and blah.. blah blah.. is easy, think again. It's not an easy feat to remember all the intricate details about your renal tubules where our urine is being diluted or concentrated depending on the situation. Let's just say, I'm not really good in understanding in one reading... and that is really a sad case for me. Oh well, I'd try to finish this chapter so I can move on to the next.

EYEBAGS

Well, I'm your girl with the panda eyes, I mean the notorious evident eyebags. There's no point hiding them, you'll clearly see them. I am always envious of those people who pull all-nighters whether it's for party or work and don't look as much stressed as I am with my pair of glorious dark circles.

Sleep is one thing. It's the key to either gain or lose those ugly set of eyebags, but for me, it ain't a luxury. And I just realize, these eyebags are making me uglier than I ever was and there's no point in feeling pretty when I'm not physically.

If you have the same problems as me, then we need to work on this issue. I've heard about natural treatment like placing thin slices of cucumber around the eye area. Or cold compress that can help relax and even out the tension in the eyes. I'd probably do that later, I hope I don't forget.

...

Life ain't fun without the fuzz and the buzz going on around. But for me, I'd go back to studying for now.

Cheers.

AFTERMATH

Finally, the week is over, the weeks of practicing for our first dance performance for this school year has been a huge success. The crowd LOVED our finale performance, it is such an overwhelming feeling hearing their screams. Although a large percent cheered for Moi, one of the newest members who is an awesome dancer, as in, you really need to see her dance and you will just be dumbfounded.
But anyways, I felt bit bad since I think I messed up slightly with THAT dance move I was having a hard time doing, but nevertheless, my classmates and some friends said I did awesome! Oh yeah! One even was in disbelief when she saw me danced, she never knew I was that good. Aww, what a compliment...

It felt so good, to dance.. and when we did the last glance at the crowd and the music faded away, everyone just went wild and my heart was like ... soaring high. It is such an unforgettable evening and the friendships I have made along the way.

Sad though, I will be practicing with them right after semestral break so that will be one or two months from now. I hope I would not gain much weight since I think I lost a bit.. yeah, just a bit with all the sweat I have perspired from all the practice. Hoho.

Before I forgot, the day after the awesome evening of our performance, we had basketball game. We were only five, yes, so that means, I played from first to the last quarter. I almost died out of exhaustion, they were bit concerned if I can still make it through. And despite all that, I managed to get a lay up point, oh yea. I suddenly remembered my time back in college, how nostalgic.

And the funny thing is, we even lost a player since she fouled out so the game ended with four of us playing and winning, yeah yeah! So much fun and exhausting all at the same time, but I am just happy we did it. Abi, the main player is beyond amazing...

Right now, my body is still kind of aching at some areas and I should be really studying. So, good night.

K-POP FEVER

There have been so many happenings in my life for the past year. I'm sad though that I haven't "thought" of ranting them all out here. At least, I'd get to refresh my memories when I read them time and time again. But alas, no time for regrets so let's move on.

I am an irregular medical student. Boo hoo. But we'll talk about it next time. I'm not in the mood to dwell much in depression and disappointments. Let's talk about my latest addiction. Well, it's not really an addiction.. but maybe, it is.

I fell in love with the Korean pop music. Well, at first it was just purely POP, you know, those boy and girl dance groups singing and dancing at the same time. Then, in a steady development, I got deeper into knowing about them and fell in love with those other artists who sing ballad and not just pop. Plus, I searched the treasure islands (I mean K-pop blog sites) where I can search information, latest songs and fashion, and even news about my favorite artists.

So, in all honesty, I am a K-pop lover BUT not an official fan member of any fan club, though. I just can't pick one, that's why.

Continuing with what I am spazzing about, I'll offer you a list of some of those K-pop artists I just adore.. not just "physically" but more on "vocally". I'm that type of girl who craves for the vocal talent and not just the looks.


1. Daesung (Bigbang)

He started off as the underdog member of Bigbang since there have been negative comments that swarmed him, talks like "he's not as handsome as the other members". But ever since I discover Bigbang (which by the way is really really a popular and successful boy group since 2006), he quickly got my attention. There's something in his smile and his humor that seemed to pull you in. Plus, if you hear his voice, you'll just be blown away. He's not just a pop singer, he's good at trot, as well, and is acting. Although, there has been an incident that has pulled him back from the music scene, I just hope he'll recover and return back as a stronger person and will FINALLY perform and record a solo album (since the other members have done it already! YG, give him a chance!!!), I'm sure he'll just capture my heart.

2. GO (MBLAQ)

He emerged in the music scene as part of five-membered crew of MBLAQ under J.Tune Entertainment, which, by the way is headed by the superstar himself, RAIN. Kicking that aside (haha!), GO captured my attention with his "signature look", a mustache that seemed to have worked its magic to many fans. But he got rid of it with their second album and still wowed his female noona fans, nevertheless. Aside from being "hot" and physically fit (he can do the Nike move expertly), his vocals are amazing. His voice just seemed to rock you in a sweet lullaby as he sings a mellow love song or a good pick-me-upper when he sings a happy upbeat song with the other guys.

3. CL (2NE1)

2NE1 has become one of the outstanding K-pop artists in the music scene as of late, with their unique display of fashion, outstanding songs, crazy interesting music videos and explosive stage performances. No wonder, Blackjacks (official fan club) just can't get enough of their girls. My favorite song is I Don't Care, I'm just addicted to that song. But I'm more into is CL, the badass leader and mean rapper of the group. She just screams "total performer is on loose, baby" whenever she gets onstage or gets on screen for their music videos. She's a natural-born performer, she lives to perform and to make it more than a hundred percent good. I thought she's just good at rapping, not much in singing, but she got it in her. Her vocals is good and she knows how to express each song with such charisma, drama and creativity. So, hands down, Miss Chaerin!

4. Hyunseung (B2ST)

In all honesty, I just discovered about B2ST this year. And since then, I liked them, most especially Hyunseung. He is supposed to be a Bigbang member, but sadly got eliminated but find his way again to the music scene through Cube Entertainment as he became part of B2ST. Although vocal-wise, Yoseob is the one garnering much attention, I have to say, Hyunseung's got stable vocals, as well. It doesn't sound whiny or forced, I enjoy listening to him sing. Plus, I just adore his personality... he is something. He's not your normal, regular guy and I find it very irresistible.

5. Jiyoon (4Minute)

When 4Minute debuted, they were quickly compared to 2NE1. With all honesty, I kind of compared them but ended up liking them when I saw their music video for "What a Girl Wants". I love their adorable personalities, but recently, they go more for that "sexy look" appeal which works for them. She's one of my favorites in the group, her and Gayoon, since both of them are powerful vocalists. They can hit the high notes and still look so good, especially Jiyoon. She's more like the CL-type, you know, badass, sexy chic who can rap and sing.
...

There's so much more artists that I adore in the Korean music scene, as well as celebrities (actors/actresses), plus those variety shows that I just find hard not to watch. I hope you are interested in K-pop, but if not, oh well, I just hope you don't go bashing them or whatever. Haha. Peace.