Invisible

I've never been in a normal relationship. To have a boyfriend who you can call or text, flirt and have fun with, be the best of friend you can rely on and the feel like the luckiest girl alive, walking down the streets, hand in hand. Tackling this issue is rather depressing, when in fact I'm one heck of an insecure girl who is just undeniably, a hopeless romantic. I've always dreamed of different scenarios I'd be with the guy I love, but nonetheless, none has ever turned up into reality.

I am not the type of girl who collects crushes, unless it's celebrity crush. I would probably have more than one, I admit. But when it comes to real crush, I'd spend most of the time just looking at a certain someone. That someone who not only caught my eyes, but also my heart off-guard. That special someone who will have no inkling whatsoever that there's this girl, silently watching him from afar.

Yeah and that girl would be me. The invisible girl. The wallpaper. I may be loud, happy-go-lucky but only few have determined my "heart" when it comes to assessing my real feelings for a guy. My closest church friend seemed to be afraid for me if I do enter a real relationship one day. She's scared that I might fall too hard and have a difficult time to come back up, if there will ever come a time that such relationship will come to a bitter end.

Right now, I'm in love with someone. He doesn't know. And I don't want him to know. I've learned from my few experiences that letting the person you like know about your feelings will push a friendship in an ugly state. I lost a close friend back in college because of that. The second time it happened, I'm lucky that we still talk now, this guy I fell in love with two years ago. I was just like any other hopeful girl, thinking she's the one who will change him for the better. But alas, I wasn't the girl meant for him, he's now in a happy relationship with someone and I'm genuinely happy for him.

And now, this current guy I'm in love with is actually taken. Yeah, I've always expected things like that to happen. I never learned. It's not a good deal to fall in love with guys way out of my league. He's not even my ideal type, I don't know what actually happened, I just realized that I like him. It ended in a rollercoaster ride of trying to get his attention to giving up, then to a sudden miraculous twist to our friendship then back again to nothing. It just feels weird that I still try to get close to him but I fearfully backed out whenever I see him with her. Seeing the girl whom I know actually fits her, they're a perfect pair. No one can deny that fact. It might be not that hard to accept, but inside of me, I want to just magically change into this prettier girl so I can have him. So that he will notice me.

Indeed, such jealousy is not good. I'm sure he doesn't even see more than an acquaintance, a passing time, a student he can just say hi and hello once in a while. Just like those other guys who have come and go in my life, no one ever looked at me beyond a fleeting glance for a stranger, a friend or an acquaintance. No one.

A nagging prick in my pathetic dignity, it's such a depressing thought. I just have this simple wish, that one day, someone will look at me specially. One day, I won't have this try-hard attitude to be happy, to be okay when I'm not, when all along, I just feel like I'm a withering flower in need of attention. It sucks to be an underdog, that whatever you do, you're always less appreciated than others. People will only see one-fourths of what you are, of who you are and that's it...

Maybe, I got too much of inconsistencies in my life right now. There's too much unsaid musings, fears, insecurities continually eating me alive... there's too much nagging thoughts I don't want to dwell with, truthfully.

To be loved and appreciated genuinely is all I ever wanted. To find that certain contentment in my heart is what I dream to achieve in time...