THIN LINE: Friendship and beyond

I've always treasured the essence of friendship.

But through the years passed, I've had my share of ups and downs, friends have come and gone, and there I was, finding myself, wondering what I did wrong.

I always see myself as emotionally attached. Probably, over-bearing when it comes to treating the people I care for. I get the sentimentality that it's always a one-sided relationship, I care, they don't. End of discussion.

And through the passing times, I learnt to put up this wall that I dare not let anyone really penetrate in.

Yes, on the outside, I seemed to be approachable, outgoing, hyper, but actually, all those people I interacted with, I never really "opened up" to them. It's like a mirage of different faces, walking past by me. When before  I was keen on pleasing everybody just to keep those friends around, I decided to turn the tables and cared less. The over-all process resulted to loneliness and regret. Those college friends were part of my life, yet, I was never one to really connect with them. It's all superficial smiles and cheerful chitchats, but I know deep down, there was never a solid foundation.

True enough, I never had a group of friends I can really call on to after I graduated. No regular text or invitation to dine out or just simply bond. Maybe it's a lazy aspect on my part not to take an effort, or maybe a fear in me that stopped me from trying again.

But, God has been so good to me, giving me another opportunity to find my confidence and open my heart once again. Through Med school, I've gained new friends, but because of certain circumstances, I didn't manage to really have that tight connection. Tension arose and friendships were tested.

Yet, God, lovingly guided me into the fold of my real family, the youth in the district. I have been testing the worldly waters for so long, I fail to realize the genuine people who have surrounded me from the start. Through these special people, slowly the walls have crumbled down and I let them in. Through them, I managed to climb back up again and reach out to people I interact with in Medicine school. 

And now, there's this one special person who I treasure very much.

Because of that, I decided to build a wall again... not the same wall I've built for the past years.

It's a wall to detach myself from "falling for him"...

There's always a thin line between friendship and beyond. Yet, when you look at it closely and weigh what is more important, you'd rather let go of one to treasure the other one. You can never hold onto both, because one mistake, you might lose one of them.

I am afraid to lose him, yes.

Just like how I am afraid to lose those special friends who have become major pieces of the puzzle that complete who I am.

Despite my over-bearing, insecure and emotionally attached self, they never left and cared more.

With that, my life is more beautiful as it was before.

More challenging, I may say, because tests and challenges are always part of growing up and nurturing a genuine friendship.

Yet, I am truly grateful God has given me this chance to know them, to be friends with them, to love them.

And no matter how crazy my world is, how tempting to walk past that thin line...

the mere fact that they matter so much more to me leave me to thinking..

Is it worth the risk of losing them just to satisfy my personal desires?

I have to say NO, because friendship for me, at this very special moment, matters more than my bottled feelings of love.

It can wait.

As God has patiently woven me to have the kind of life and friendship I'm enjoying right now.

LOVE can wait...

Big Choice

One should be aware of the possibilities his or her choice will result into.

Every action has its own consequence.

Every decision has an effect, not only on the person who chooses, but on other people as well.

Most of the time, we take for granted this "freedom of will" that the Lord has given us. We tend to manipulate it and take control. Having this gift does not mean we can do everything we wanted to. Respect, temperance, love... the list goes on, accounting for all the values essential in a person. If love is absent, so is respect, and so is self-control. Once we don't possess such qualities, we go berserk, going beyond the thin line between right and wrong. The sad part is, when we fall steeply down because of the repercussions of our actions, we push all the blame to God. We accused Him for not protecting us, for not warning us, for not helping us. Yet we fail to realize that along the way, He has been calling us to walk back to the right path, to follow His Word, but we turned a blind eye and strolled away from His outreached hands.

I always tend to overanalyze things that happen.

And at the same time, I always got swept away by emotions, that all rational thoughts are flooded with tempered outbursts which I will regret later on. It's always a struggle to keep my heart and mind in order, lest I lose sight of what's important. It's a balance between emotions and thoughts. Too much brain will discard empathy, and too much feelings will block rationale. When one lever in the seesaw is too high up, the other will be dragged down on the ground. When one's too emotionally attached, he or she cannot see beyond, will be in constant denial of the wrong that is obviously right before his eye. And when the person thinks too much, he fails to understand his heart and unconsciously push the person who really cares away.

Making decision is never easy.

The weight of responsibility for every decision made is never a light burden.

Yet, acting on it with integrity and humility, after seeking the Lord's guidance, makes the difference.

It takes out too much self-reliance and focuses more on person's dependence on God.

Life has many options.

Tricky, I may say, it's like being in the middle of crossroads, with many lanes to choose from.

Where will this road take me to?

Will it be a different matter if I take the other one?

Life is toss and turn, like the water in the river. When you're tossed to one side, you may think this is what you want to do. Then when you're tossed on the opposite side, you will start thinking that this is what you should do.

The Bible reminds us, that "in a man, he is the one who has many plans in his heart, but it is the Lord who will direct his path."

Despite knowing what you want to do, it's still a different matter if that is the path you should take. That's why consistent communion with the Lord provides the answers to your silent prayers. The Lord alone knows of our desires, of our plans and aspirations. And He knows the best for everyone.

Fear Factor

People tend to think that being brave is the state of not being fearful.

But actually it is the other way around.

It is the state of actually acknowledging your fear, but instead of walking away from it, around it, or not doing anything at all... you FACE your fear and strive to overcome it.

That is bravery.

That is the real essence of courage.

In life, when you don't work to battle out the things that scare you, you will never be able to climb over the walls of challenges that we encounter each day. You'll remain stagnant, unproductive... and more likely a failure. No one's perfectly successful with a load of failures in his resume. Failures are part of life. They're basically there... but they don't exist just to make our living crazy than a rollercoaster ride. They exist to TEST us, to MOLD us to become better, to TEACH us things we seem to not understand... they exist to PREPARE us for more challenges up ahead in the course of our life.

At this point in my life, in my 24 years of existence, I can say I've been to many difficulties. Yes, it may not be as hellish as other people who've been to the deepest pit of disappointments, but I have my fair share of troubles and downfalls. Ever since life began for me, I have been an insecure girl. I always hide behind my parents' back, afraid to face the people and be friends with them. I tend to shy away from opportunities, from activities that could gain me friends. I was coined as "mataray", "suplada"... you get what I mean.

I had this thick shell around me, built a wall between me and the people, just because I was too afraid to trust them and let them into my life.

Where did my insecurity lies?

You maybe have read my previous blogs related to this issue... so you'll probably have an idea already.

Yes, I was born with an inborn hand.

Not your regular right hand, so growing up, people looked at me bit differently.

I was not pretty, as far as I can say.

I emerged during puberty as an ugly duckling... face decorated with eyebags and pimples.

I was chubby, short...

In short, I don't see myself as appealing to others... that it provoked me to hide my hand, feel lowly about myself.

I was consumed with fear that no person will accept me for who I am except my family.

Yes, I gained friends but still I am somewhat doubtful.

But looking back at those years I wallowed in the pit of insecurity, I felt sorry about myself, but at the same time, grateful.

Through that, I was able to see myself and reflect.

Slowly but surely, I learnt to shed off the shell, to bring down the wall and open up myself wholeheartedly to people. I gained my confidence and became president of our district youth council. My natural "malambing" nature came through and it gained me friends. Real friends who accepted me for who I am, beyond my insecurities and weirdness.

And through them, I slowly find myself and realized who I am and what I can offer... what I can do if I just let go of my insecurities.

Who would have thought that after all these years, two person will actually see me as 19 years old?

I've never could imagined I would hear such compliments from 2 guys who I just met...

It's not that I am bragging about it, I'm honestly flattered at the same time surprised.

It is such a difference when positive energy overflows from you.. when you let optimism rule over your insecurity. I am more comfortable with myself.. even there are still times I hide my hand and feel like I'm no way pretty like my friends.

But once in a while, I look at my own reflection in the mirror and understand my worth.

I am a child of God, His daughter... why would I think lowly of myself?

He has created me in His own image, why would I tamper it and think negative of His creation?

I am blessed that I am who I am today.

I am so grateful that He has helped me find my inner confidence and channel it through ways that I can also inspire.

Who would have thought that once upon a time, you will never see me standing alone in a crowd, mingling and smiling, as if I've already known them for so long?

But now... it's like my inclination for personal interaction comes out naturally.. that close friends have seen me as more mature and more approachable.

'Tis such an awesome experience to see how much growth I've accomplished and how many friends I've gained who have become attached to me.

Life is never easy.

And being brave is not easy as well.

Yet it takes an effort to try...takes one decision to surrender all to Him and let Him guide you through and overcome your fears.

Before I am an insecure girl... 

but now..

I am a secure young woman, bursting forth with happiness and good vibes, assured that I should not fear life when God is walking by my side.~

Slowly Falling.... Guided by God's Gentle Hands

Even if you want to stay friends, sometimes, you get overwhelmed and began falling for that person.

And FAST.

It's really so hard to leave a statement when you can never be sure of what will happen next in the days to come. When you thought you could never like that person, you'd end up thinking about him before you succumb to sleep. When you thought you will never like his personality, you'd end up appreciating every little detail of his likes and dislikes, to the extend of realizing you have similarities in the long run.

When you think you'd just be happy being friends with him, you'd crave for more... and more, until you'd never be so contented to have him look at you "just as a friend".

I am grateful that earlier this year, I was able to find my stable self, not as a hundred percent perfectly built, but this year, I've found a fresh new aura around me, in me, with me. I began anew with God, I dished off my principle of finding happiness through a man and vowed not to let a man rule over my heart and mind.

I learnt a valuable lesson of finding happiness and confidence first before even letting myself fall completely for a man.

And God is indeed a wonderful Father, for He guided me, His daughter to find a man, in a slow crucial step-by-step process. Indeed, when comparing to my last entry, I felt relieved that I haven't lost my focus nor my control. I didn't let selfish desires lead me to make rash decisions I will regret in the later years. I'm grateful I have friends who have been a supportive pillar, who helped me continually connect to that confidence I've gained for the past months... and I'm happy that God has been guiding me through and through.

Truly, prayers are miraculous answers to your silent inquiries and desires.

God works in mysterious ways, yet He enlightened you with answers as long as you're willing to understand and abide by His will.

It's not about what you want, but what God wants the best for you.

And I willingly surrendered my heart to God's gentle, reassuring hands, letting Him guide me to that man, if He intends to....

That man...

I already see him as the man for me, yet I can't yet be sure if I am completely in love with him.

I still want to stay humbly as his friend, gaining his trust and finding his companion a treasure I've never regret I've come to enjoy.

I am so happy he finally opened up to me, unlike those previous random conversations which mostly comprise of food, food... and yes, food.

Funny, but still I enjoyed those comical talks we had... but this past weekend, he finally told me more than FOOD... and in person.

Imagine the happiness and gratitude that swelled in my heart... yes, I am indeed happy.

It's true and I can say with confidence... though the past months have been slowly progressive... every second has been worth the wait.

And whatever God has plan for the next year to come, I'd be patiently waiting... as I've done for the past months.

Yes, I am slowly falling for him more and more.... but what's so good about it, I'm not alone... I've been gently guided by God's hands. <3 font="font">

AMEN! :)

In God's Perfect Timing

I tried to hold onto that belief that God is indeed writing the best love story for me, I just have to wait and be patient.

And I've never thought that there will come a day when I'll actually open up to the idea of really finding that man, of really seeing one person as that man God has intended me to have.

Close friends knew of my insecurity. My family knew of my somewhat low esteem when it comes to finding that confidence in myself. I knew it in me that I don't trust the idea someone will actually fall in love with me, choose me over other girls, love me for who I am.

You might think, I've already found my own love story, but I'm actually treading towards one. I suppose, this year has taught me so many things that my perspective on finding love isn't as complicated as how I pictured it before. Back then, I was clinging to the idea that I need a man to make me happy... to make me feel complete or make me feel that I am special. I realized, no it's not like that. I need to find myself first, and be happy with who I am, love myself before I can really understand love. I need to find real love, which is in Christ Jesus before I find it in myself to really love someone. I've understood more that you can never find the answer if you take matters into your hands... let God lead the way, and you're assured on the right track.

Just like what's happening to me lately. I'm not in a hurry to put things in order and affirm myself that 'yes, we have a future'. You can say I've started liking someone, someone who I believed God wanted me to meet for a certain reason. Whatever purpose it might be, one thing is clear... he is not someone who causes me to walk astray from God's course. The amazing thing is, he leads me to know him in a good way, no physical involvement, just the way he prioritizes God and family over any other personal desires... has won me over.

Our first encounter started with nothing, yet God ignited a friendship I never thought I will have with him. The process was slow, patiently-woven by God's guiding fingers, but the truth is, I'm never in a hurry. I know God wanted me to learn the value of patience, and in this case, it's surely teaching me. I tried not to take actions rashly, just because I'm afraid to lose him... and I'm afraid to walk ahead of God's plans.

We never really touched hands except a one time quick shaking of hands. We never talked so much beyond personal background, but we always joked around. I don't even know his real age, but his passion for sports caught my attention. His firm integrity, on prioritizing family and church service over own enjoyment... led me to like him more and more. I didn't think of him more than a friend months ago and I can't finish the sentence by saying I am in love with him now. I like him, yes... and I intend to focus on strengthening my friendship with him rather than creating a romantic relationship at once.

I really have no idea what he thinks of me. I'm scared that I'll get too attached at once, since I am a sensitive person, afraid I might fall too soon if I don't be careful. Yet it is a breathtaking relief that when you put the matters of your heart in God's hands and pray for it earnestly, He will indeed guide you. I never prayed specifically for love before, and even now, I don't, but a simple honest prayer of asking guidance in our friendship and whatever will happen beyond is encouraging, knowing that He knows what is the best for both of us.

I remember reading in Messages to Young People, about the important question you asked when you're thinking over marrying someone, and it can be be synched with a case of liking someone.

Will that person take you closer to Christ?

Simple, yet really relevant. Will that person be heaven-sent or a stumbling block to your faith? Will loving him or her encourage you and not distract you from your obligations, responsibilities and entrusted work in the Lord's mission? If yes, then he is the man God has sent to be your life partner. If not, you might have to think and ponder over it, since having partnership with someone who might lead you away from God, is not a good idea.

I have to say, God is just so amazing. He lets me experience this kind of situation in a slow manner, without any rush. He waited for me to really find my confidence, my desire to serve Him without doubts in my mind and heart, He led me pursue a life dedicated to Him, before letting my heart beat again for a certain someone.

I believe in God's perfect timing.

And right now, I am in His hands. Whatever He has in store for me, I am assured it's all in accordance to His plans. My heart is ready and willing... and if He leads me to him... then one thing will be clear, he will be the partner God has called to be my constant companion as we strive to a life solely consecrated to serving God.

Amen!

Spiritual Journey

This summer... I plunged into a different kind of journey... not expecting it will be an experience that will truly change the state of my heart and my personal views in life. And I felt that the past years of my life have been wasted in nonsense blabbers and complaints.. when in fact, I should have used those precious time in a more fulfilling mission.

I'm born Adventist - since the very first second of breathing, I grew up in an Adventist-based home and lifestyle. Numerous No's in my list has been added as I age each year... not completely understanding the real essence of being an 'Adventist'. Back then when I decided to be baptized, I thought everything is already in order.. that I've completely deciphered all the meanings involved in being a true Adventist.

This summer of 2012 proved me wrong. People in different walks of life proved something that pushed me to be more willing to listen and accept the real truth. Yes, I believe in God, I pray, I have trusted Him all my life... but that wasn't enough. I realized I have been gifted with talents I can use to testify about Him. For the past years, I have kept muted in sharing the gospel.. I was too insecure and shy and embarrassed to even speak about Him and my religion. I can't explain to my friends why I don't eat pork, why I don't use jewelries, or why I even attend Sabbath. Sad fact is, I usually get swayed by reckless YES to peer pressure, that I took Sabbath for granted.

Not until this summer vacation was I shaken in my present spiritual state. I was too focused on academics, too focused on trying to please everybody that I've forgotten the real deal. It's always for the Lord, not for our own recognition. As it is written, "Whatever you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it for the glory of the Lord." (1 Corinthians 10:31)

We have been called to stand as His witnesses. All around me, I've seen hardened hearts, unwilling to accept God.. but if one is just willing to reach out to them... to invite them to a simple seminar... you will see how God works in mysterious ways.

The first entry to this inspiring journey took place in Bacolod, when I attended the Youth Alive, Drug-Free Life one-week event in CPAC. There, God used this girl to plant seeds of inspiration within our hearts. Through her, being as a roommate as well, we were enlightened and energized to take part... to be part... to reconnect strongly with God.

Second one, it took place a week after we returned home from Bacolod - our district's retreat entitled 'Reaching UP, Reaching ACROSS and Reaching OUT. There, God used Pastor Orbe, Jr. to instill in our minds values and reminders we tend to forget, especially the two powerful instruments in this fast-paced world: Reading the Scriptures and Praying unceasingly. His powerful words shook my entire being... since at that time, I've started reading the Bible with much gusto and divine guidance. God used Him there and then to push me deeper into loving God, into reliving my relationship with Him.

Third one, was Vacation Bible School, where I led with three churchmates, as we conducted the two-week event, with much readiness and excitement to teach the kids about Jesus. Watching the video during the graduation day got me teary-eyed, I've never felt that before.. that overwhelming feeling of being able to serve God through teaching these kids. Before, it's just a rush... just an obligation but this summer, it was more than that. It was more of a worthy mission, a goal of leading this young lives closer to their Maker.

Fourth step to the journey was our church one-week crusade, where I became involved as well. This activity coincided with the VBS and the early serenading in different homes. The theme is 'Paglapit kay Kristo' (Becoming Closer to Christ)... and each night, I was truly blessed by the messages, as God used another man, Joe King Tamon who has become a good friend since then. Through him, the messages have been delivered, the seed of stronger belief and renewal have been planted in our hears, in my heart. And through that, I was geared up for the major Hope Channel crusade in Bayanan the coming week after that.

Before we ventured to the crusade, I traveled to General Trias, since I was requested to be their guest speaker, during their banquet. And when I was starting to speak, the decorating panel on my left was pushed down by the wind... and later on, the LCD screen on my right fell down as well... as rain slowly drizzled. But, I kept on speaking.. for I strongly believe what I was about to say that very night will inspire those youth. Even if I'm stranger to them and honestly not good in speaking in Filipino, will you believe me if I told you I spoke almost straight Tagalog without buckling... and delivered my message even with just one messy practice of my slideshow. Truly, you can do all things when the Holy Spirit fills you and you let Him use you for God's work.

And yes, the fifth step to my spiritual journey was the district crusade in Bayanan, where almost 20 souls were baptized at the culminating activity. Despite being physically exhausted in the middle of the week, I kept on, for the Lord continually gave me strength so that I can serve Him throughout that week. Health and home topics were discussed and I can see in the people's eyes how much they are blessed, despite the different obstacles in the first two days of the crusade. But God is beyond powerful, prayers were voiced out and the crusade was done with much success and glorification to the Lord.

After that, I was asked as speaker for Camella Church's VBS and I was just as eager to speak to the kids... it's a way to lead them to Christ, so I didn't say NO to the offer. I genuinely agreed and on that afternoon, seeing those kids listen and respond, made me feel so lucky, God chose me to do that simple mission for Him that very hour.

So much experiences, I can't count anymore how much I'm grateful. And just recently, I couldn't ask for more with a defining moment to come.. when the Hiking-Retreat of our district youth is pushed through despite the obstacles that arrived before the date. But God is good, amidst the tears, He let me open a random verse which actually empowered me not to lose hope but believe in Him, without doubts. And sure He did make a way... through our district Pastor's help, who led this event, CLIMB: One Strong Empowerment. C

Climbing Mount Talamitam was sure not easy... but the journey to the top gave us so much things to reflect upon, so many lessons learnt and to be applied in our young lives. Even the humble retreat that we had after descending from Mt. Talamitam, proved so inspiring, that the very last hour of the retreat, I spoke up and was into tears. I've never been so shaken, so torn.. that I'm completely pushed to the brink of not wanting to continue Medicine. Sabbath classes this second year was not too much of an issue before this summer... but after everything that has happened to me, I was truly confused. What our Pastor said, about the 'enemy' doing all things' to distract you especially when you're enroute to serve the Lord is really applicable to me right now. I'm so much enjoying serving God.. that the 'enemy' is now using my dream course to take me away from it. When in fact, I want to be a doctor for His service...and decisions have never been this complicated in my life.

But I'm not regretting anything... my love for the Lord has always been there.. but it has been so much bigger now, I'm just overwhelmed by His goodness and mercy. I've never felt this free and happy that I get to serve Him, not thinking about my handicaps nor differences... but just focusing on being able to use my talents to glorify Him.

I felt like I'm truly a different ME, and I hope I can continually persevere in my faith.. and truly be used for God's work, because I'll be ready and willing to do so.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY...~

CHECK THE FUTURE.

DESTINY

Fate or destiny, whatever you call it, most people believe on that. That mere idea of meeting someone, as if the said incidence is planned by the Higher powers, it's a purpose driven by power of fate, as they say. It's like  thread connects two persons, and whatever happens, they will meet one day. Every scene in one's life leads to another, as if a certain hidden purpose works its way to make things happen as it is planned. As if you're destined to make this happen, as if it's your destiny to meet this special someone in your life.

[Just one funny event... rare but it just fall in th right places.. as if fated. I'm playing Tiny Towers in my Itouch... and the game has this special Facebook like part wherein the mini pixel characters living in my tower can post their statuses (of course pre-programmed already in the game). But imagine my shock, when I decided to open a can of Cheez Curls, even asking my mom for permission, something unexpected happened. At that time, I was even saying that I'll probably finish everything off because I like it. After that I checked my game again to re-stock the products of each floor, when I decided to check the Bitbook (FB-like app in the game). I read this latest status of one character, expressing his fondness for Cheez Curls. I actually re-read the status if I'm reading it right, while looking at the can of Cheez Curls in front of me. Funny though, I have been playing game for so long, it's the first time that status appeared. Most of the statuses shown kept on repeating themselves... but this one, it just happened right there and then that I'm also eating Cheez Curls. Wow!]

But, it's rather sad if people just let the destiny do its work and not work for it anymore. I believe that, it's not just fate or destiny that puts us to where we are, it's our own desire and perseverance, toiling our way to achieve whatever we want to achieve. It's not just waiting for the apple to fall from its branch, or waiting for the sun to rise or set, without doing anything worthwhile.

DREAMS

I love it when I dream of good dreams, but freak out so much when it's either scary or mind-boggling. I remember two memorable scary dreams I had, that I had to be awakened by my Dad forcefully because I was crying so hard. Also, there was this one time, just this month where I literally screamed out loud... that Dad rushed to my bedroom and woke me up. I thought the dream was so real, but the reason why I was shouting was out of frustration, the mood that I was in, in that dream. But lately, my dreams seemed to be real and seemed to hold a special meaning... although I just can't figure them out. Are they just brought out by my hidden desire or wild imagination... or they hold a "futuristic message"... something that tells me about the future. If I try to remember well, there were moments in the scene that may have already happened to me.. not probably as similar as I saw it in my dream.. but something analogical. There was this one dream where I saw my "crush"... and I actually caught him looking at me. Days or weeks after that, there was this event that he was one of the players, and I was just one of the bystanders. I actually avoided looking at his direction.. but when I accidentally did.. he was looking at my direction.. not sure if really looking at me. I often wondered why it happened.. but it did. Just this morning, I had two dreams, but sadly they're not as vivid as I want to..as much as I've wanted to have written it fast on my journal upon waking up, I just wasn't able to. The first dream revolved about a stranger who seemed to be interested in me... and not only that, it's just not one guy.. it's probably a group I think who seemed to like me positively.. which in real life, is NOT happening. In the second dream, the people were familiar faces... and one guy who I know, joked around being my boyfriend when I teased about buying a boyfriend... instead of a new phone. Funny.. because that guy...I just recently liked him because of his good dancing skills.

Dunno what my future holds.. or if my dreams have some kind of "premonition" approach... I don't have any clue. But honestly, I often wonder if they do.

IMAGINATION

I have a wide imagination, I always say. Friends often get amused at my random monologues that would eventually spring up a story.. with my own made-up scenes and events. Probably, one reason why I love to write stories because it's an outlet for all these sort of thoughts brewing in my head. And one thing interesting for me.. is that most of these products of my imaginations get to be part of something officially being shown in televesion, or other media instruments. Like when I was imagining myself as a trainee in Korea who gets popular.. I wrote something about debuting a cameo role in a Korean drama entitled City Hunter, little did I know, days after that, I learned from the latest Korean showbiz news about a new drama entitled City Hunter, starring Lee Minho and Park Minyoung. And I was like... "Whoa". It's just one of those occurrences that I've encountered in my life. Apart from that, when I watch drama, may it be Filipino or foreign movies, I always tend to make up my own conclusions to what might happen... trying to put two and two together. I never did expect when I find out, the actual events in the drama are near close to what I just assumed. Awesome! That's why, I have this habit of being able to deduce the story events even though I miss out certain episodes, I still get the flow... even if you made me watch the episodes in the middle. I think, I'm just weird like that? Haha... but I'm enjoying it.

Everything I've said reminded me when I was doing this "premonition act" with my highschool classmates. I'd just touch their hand and whatever comes first in my mind, I try to make a feel of it.. and share whatever I see. It's actually a joke in the beginning with my best friend... but then she told me what I just created as "premonition scene" for her actually happened. So the word spread fast... and all my other classmates wanted their palms to be read.. when actually, I'm not reading anything. It's as if my mind's working on images that comes at once whenever I touch them. And funny but scary, most of what I told them happens. I actually stopped it... I was too scared to believe it, plus I believe more in God... and I don't have real power to even make premonitions. But it's just weird that whatever I think of most of the time.... it actually happens.. whenever I check the news... or surf the net.. there's something happening quite related with what just went through my mind. Oh well.

So many thoughts, but I have to sleep. Just want to let these out.. .Whew!

HEARTY UPDATE: SNOWMAN AND ME

I've never been too open with my hidden feelings for him. Only few knows the real score, only few who understands my real emotions towards him. I'm always scared of too many people discovering the truth, how I'm painstakingly denying the fact, that... most probably, I'm still liking him way too much.

It's a good thing, I think, that I don't see him that much compared to last year. It has been a year now since I accidentally fell for him, more than year when I met him for the first time... I can still remember those short memories I've spent with him, as a stranger, as an acquaintance, as a classmate, as a schoolmate... as a "supposedly-to-be-friend".

It's funny that our relationship comprises of inconsistent peaks, going up in rare moments, then going down most of the time. There were those times when we literally greet each other, where we acknowledge each other's presence. And most of the time, it was an ordeal, trying to find the courage to say a simple hello, or wave a little at him. And every rare moment I saw him with her... it's like one little pointed needle, pricking my heart deep and hard.

He is out of my league, I am sure of that. And I have to blame myself for losing my cool... and losing my confidence in just randomly greeting him. When in fact, we already know each other and it seems both of us have decided to just let go of that. He never did say hi to me again, and I am sure, it's because of me. The mere image I project towards him probably pushed him away... farther away from my reach. Yeah, such a good act on my part.

I kept on telling my roommate I have moved on, or rather, I AM MOVING ON. Moving on from what, you may ask, when we haven't been in any relationship? Moving on from hoping too much... that he's meant for me. Funny that I even thought of that, in the first place, I didn't put any effort to get closer to him. Or I've always known from the beginning there's no way he'll fall for me. Yes, that would be it. There's no way he will.

I am scared to really fall in love. Cases such as these are the reasons why. Liking someone then running away when he gets near, scared out of my wits, all because I'm way drowning in my pool of insecurities and fears. It's rather a good thing to find my own self first and learn to love me, all of me before letting go. If not, I'd probably be all broken when I fall and kept on falling in the end... without no one catching me.

I'm just happy actually because he liked a status in my Facebook wall which I just posted an hour ago. I'm actually surprised he did that, then I realized I liked a status of him minutes before he did that. So, I'm wondering if it's just an act of give-and-return relationship, or something like that. But still, I'm just glad... there were so many first time happenings that I've encountered when it comes to him. 

Mr. Snowman, thank you.

AYE, AYE CAPTAIN!

Being a leader is not an easy task. I'm sure I am not the only one who thinks that. Assuming such position requires a lot of perseverance, patience and commitment to do your part, as well as lead the pack. Like an Alpha, for the case of wolves, the others look up at you and listen to what you have to say. There's no room for doubts and uncertainty, you have to emanate such confidence that will make them put their trust in you. It's definitely hard, that's why, I always get this fear of taking such responsibility.

Yes, I have to say, I had experiences of being a leader, but all through those experiences, I have to say, most of the time, I fail in being a good one. I always lack something along the way, apart from failing to accomplish certain tasks, which just eventually made me more unsure of my capabilities. As much as I want to do my very best, there's always a niche for error, in my case.

Why am I ranting something about this? It's because I've just been elected the president for our district's youth federation, if you can call it that way. If you compare my participation before, I'm more active now compared to way back in my younger years. It's more like when I stepped onto college that I found my confidence in being part of the youth organization, to help with activities and bond with the youth. And now, I'm more of post-grad student, I tend to mingle more and have always been teased to be so hyper and talkative.

I can already feel the pressure. Yes, I have been there when two of my closes friends in the district were presidents. I have been part of their years leading the group, participating in activities, extending my help. But now, I'm definitely sure it's different. I'm not just behind the scenes anymore, I'm actually the one leading already - the one with the highest burden of making the last final decision, the carrying the torch with every advocate the group intends to start with. As much as I want to hide and step away from the limelight, there's no turning back. I don't know if they vote-slash-elected me out of confident that I can do it... or scared of being voted in the first place.. but I don't want to ruin their good image of me. I want to prove my worthiness of being casted in this position in the first place.

I still have my worries, I still have my fears, but I want to be brave enough to carry on God's will. If He intends me this, ever since, then I will faithfully follow. I'm tired of being too insecure and scared of my own troubles, I want to change for the better. I'm sure God believes in me, as much as these youth believe in me. I want to believe in myself and in my capabilities. I want to shed off my negative thoughts and focus on the upbringing of the best of each and every youth in the district. And also, to be closer to them as I hope to be.

I may lack in some ways, may it be physical or emotional-wise, but I won't learn to grow if I don't experience first-hand, right? So, God bless me and the youth federation as we head for another year. May we serve as good servants of the Lord, reaching to others and molding ourselves, as well, to be good and God-fearing Christians.

Good luck to me and the new council!

LET'S SET FORTH TO A NEW ADVENTURE!

MR. GENTLEMAN and MS. SENSITIVE

Amidst life of an irregular medical student, I still realize time is never to be wasted upon doing nothing. If better, I should be engaged in doing something, may it be inclined in academics (which is much, much better) or other stuff, like recreational or random interests at one point in time. But the real deal is, I always find myself either busy or wanting time to lengthen for a bit, just to give enough chance to finish something, like reading a chapter in Guyton. In such a hurry, one might think I don't notice everything else around me. Actually, it's the opposite. That very moment of being on a jeepney ride or an elevator, escalator or a van, gives me the chance to think, to ponder over random things on my head... or look at the passing scenery along the road, or at few times, glance at a cute little kid sitting beside her mommy. It becomes a relief, something that allows me to leave the toxic world for a while and just relax my mind. I try to be more positive in life, despite being a repeater, in the first place, to try plastering a real smile on my face, something that will get me by and beyond the rambling insecurities and gloominess of my depressed heart.

Yes. I am a sensitive person. Despite being talkative and too cheerful whenever I'm with close friends, I tend to be unapproachable when I'm walking alone, on the street or just across the medical building's hallway. I always overthink. What if it's not good to smile at him, when we haven't really been introduced properly? What if she thinks I'm assuming too much on the level of our friendship? Am I too possessive that she likes to be away from me during the day? Things like that go over my head and seriously, these thoughts will literally choke me for the rest of the day that I eventually end up being moody. That's how sensitive I can be. I tend to feel suddenly left alone... and I'll assume the worst from it. Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I don't belong... why I'm just like a passing drifter, never sticking to one group, never really belonging to a tight clique.

But between my inner shell of sensitivity and clashing worlds of medical school and reality, there lies that zone... where I still find something to make me think more. As if being a medical student is not nerve-wracking enough to use my brain, like in laboratory conferences, for an instance. Just yesterday, I left the dorm for my afternoon class, and unfortunately the weather was not really nice. It was raining hard, plus the wind was definitely strong, that it can rip my umbrella apart if I'm not careful enough. So, I stood at the streetside and waited for a jeepney that will take me to the university. To make the introduction short, I saw the jeepney and took the ride. Making my way towards the jeepney was already a fail. I forgot to open my umbrella so I got shock when I walked from the shed and across the street. And just when I wanted to open the umbrella, the wind forced it close, so I got too focused on opening it again. A horn blared and I realized I'm standing still in the middle of the street and a jeepney is already towards me. Trying to save myself, I slipped in the middle of that small distance between the two jeepneys just to get inside one of them. To make matters worse, just when I think I'm already safe, while inside the jeepney, I tried to look for a vacant seat, but the driver suddenly geared the jeepney forward, so I unfortunately succumbed to inertia. You know the feeling of being helpless and your weight just got sucked in downwards (thanks gravity!). Good heavens, someone supported me and it was a guy wearing all black. I was literally shocked and so embarrassed. Finally I got my seat which was across this guy who was my "lifesaver"... I don't know if I was able to really say thank you properly, though. That's when I realize, a gentleman is in front of me. And oh boy, a gentleman still exists. I felt like the luckiest girl in the planet, or just make it in that jeepney for discovering someone like him. I felt like in this world, in this recent time, only few gentleman exist. And I'm just very grateful, he was there when I had an unfortunate incident. So glad.

Thank you, Mr. Gentleman-in-Black, you literally saved a damsel in distress. Cheers!

WALK BACK IN ELBI

Wow, so it has been more than a week since I updated this blog. But anyways, I had a tiring moment yesterday, since I went to LB, Laguna to get some needed documents. You see, I just learnt last semester that I was lacking some important files, according to the Medicine office. As much as I want to insist that I've already passed those files, I have no choice but to request again from my college (UPLB), don't forget pay for them again. I actually already went there to request for it, two weeks ago... and finally, went back yesterday to get them.

It was a long travel, for the fact that I left the house near lunch time, since I woke up late and my pace was slow for my usual self. The travel took so long, not what I was hoping it will be, but nevertheless, I finally arrived in the campus after almost 3 hours. I felt so haggard with the sun-and-rain weird weather also taking its toll on us, the passengers along the way. Thank God, my "inaanak" from my college organization got stuck up with some paper works, so she did something to pass by the time, waiting for me. We planned to have lunch together, but unfortunately, our 1pm schedule got fast-tracked to a super late lunch meal... at 3 in the afternoon.

There are so many fancy and awesome diners-slash-restaurant-and-cheap-food shops in LB... that back in my college days, I rarely go to them. I mostly go to the usual fast food (McDonald's and KFC)... and in my favorite cozy carinderia, just across the alleyway that leads to the apartment unit that I used to stay back then. Going back to LB brings back so many odd memories... of me, most of the time... alone. Funny. I'm actually not a fan of going out, but I mostly do it with my orgmates Aryani and Lauren, who were also neighbors back then. But most of the time, I usually sulk inside my apartment unit, I feel more comfortable. Plus, I'm not also a food voyer back then, unlike now who wants to try anything that I set my eyes and curiosity into.

But there's this one store that I still remember, I used to eat once or twice there back then. Since I'm very much into Korean food, especially maki rolls, I suggested to Tammy, my "inaanak" that we grabbed our late lunch there. I actually learnt the day before that the shop re-opened up in new place, second floor of the Anker's building.. the one where the bustling Boston Cafe is famous to be located in the ground floor, the place where we stayed most of the time during Physiology's research paper works. That coffee shop that had me "seriously sick" of frappes after one week of being there.. and ordering time and time again, but I had no problem of the place, it's cozy and is a wifi hotspot.

Tammy ordered a combo, I forgot to check out the name and also failed to get a snapshot, but it had tonkatsu in there, and a colorful kani salad. It looks good to me. For my case, I decided to have a bowl of chicken teriyaki and a plate of tekka maki rolls. As much as I want to get California maki, I can't since I'm not allowed to eat seafood (well except fish, due to religious beliefs)... so I intentionally ordered the tuna rolls.

CHICKEN TERIYAKI

TEKKA MAKI

I really had a nice full tummy after that delicious well, I couldn't ask for more. Even if it's a simple-looking meal, I didn't regret choosing to eat there. Plus, I didn't spend so much, despite ordering such type of meals... which are really more expensive when I buy in my favorite Asian restaurant back here in Manila. I had a nice "short visit" in LB, apart from seeing few of my fellow orgmates in our tambayan.. in Wing A of the IBS Building.

Add-ons:

The day before my visit to Elbi, I went back home with my Dad right after his "own office hours". Since I miss taking photos as of late, I think Madame Fenk (my digital camera), if she's a real person, she's probably pissed off at me for not hanging out with her anymore. So, due to that, I experimented with my iTouch's latest camera-app. - something called Leme, and decided to take some shots. Although I'm no official expertise on this field, I still love taking pictures, especially my favorite subjects - my cats, street lights and clouds, oh and food too. So, here's few of those experimental shots.

STREET LIGHTS [along Macapagal Avenue]

MY PHOTOGENIC CAT, LAX

MY FAVORITE MODEL

So, before I end this post, here's me, a snapshot while being the first passenger "alone" in the Alabang-Lawton bus. Yeah, forgive me for the uneven eyebags, haha! The red hue is not due to camea effects, it's thanks to the red curtain, creating that kind of ambience and color in this photo. Haha.

MANILA-BOUND

CLOTHES-HUNTER

I become a little knowledgeable about the world of clothes, bags and even shoes when I entered college. Before that, I'm always okay with wearing a loose shirt and jogging pants when there's a practice event in school. Even back in church, I mostly wear unflattering large blouse and denim long skirt. Since the university I was enrolled then has no uniform policy, I was forced to buy clothes for me to wear - acceptable clothes. Since then, I've become enlightened with wearing what I think suits me best and until now, I've been more courageous with trying and mixing stuff to wear in church or to other events (since med school has uniform). One thing I noticed... I prefer wearing shorts back in college... but lately, I'm also enjoying wearing pants although I only got 2 that I am comfortable wearing. How sad is that?

One might say that branded clothes are better, scouting the malls for the best looking dress or blouse or pants to wear. But in my part, I'm actually satisfied with wearing even if it's not from a well-known brand, as long as the material is okay, the sewn details are tight and I look good at it. When I buy clothes, I always think of options... like "what I can partner it with?", "what look will best suit wearing this".. and so on and on. I mostly buy new clothes on a monthly basis or if there's a special event.

But I'm more inclined to scouting my favorite ukay-ukay store to look for the cheap clothes that still look new (like checking the condition before buying). Plus, I buy clothes that for me have unique pieces incorporated in the look, not those same looks that I also encounter in the malls. So, here's some of them that I have bought and am happy with. 

The sparkling black ribbon and sleeves caught my eye on this one...I like the details of the blouse.

The mere fact that it is black and white plus cat print all over wins my attention.

LBD - the lacy zigzag see-through pattern on the upper half of the dress makes it classy with a touch of vintage.

Yes, no question about it... the zebra on both front and back in this long dress is win-win for me.

I actually bought it week before dance practice started this year.. it's cozy, poncho-like loose top with skulls-print.

What actually triggered me to buy this is that cute dainty ribbon, a pretty attraction for a plain sheer grey top. Plus, it can be an put over your beach bikini as a sexy cover-up, right?

I don't wear it that much often, I'm wearing for the cold season to really take its toll. It's comfy and long-sleeved, as well. The stars and good shade of blue caught my eye.

My dad is the least happy whenever he finds out that I bought another dress from the ukay-ukay store. He always tells me they're dirty. I for one actually clean them before wearing... put it in disinfection and laundry-clean stages. Also, I have a friend who is also not interested talking about curses and such. I don't know much about beliefs on ukay-ukay, but I only go to this one store which I trust, plus nothing happened bad.

It's actually fun to look at racks of clothes, may it be in ukay-ukay store or in the nearest shopping mall, especially during sale. There's nothing cool to grab an awesome dress with a discounted price, with your student budget, right?