Not-so-perfect Daughter

This day proved to be a slap on my face.
Yes, I started it with a happy Fun Run experience with church friends. Along the day, I somehow realized how LACKING I am in life. I pale in comparison to those girl friends I have who are more mature than I am, more adept in household chores, more entertaining, more natural, more decent in attitude and character.

It irks me inside that even if I try, I always fall flat on the ground with my inconsistencies.
And at times, I often wonder, how many questions came to my mom's mind, hoping for a "better daughter". Someone she can rely best in household chores, in womanly duties. I know I have to equipped in this aspect of life, but all these years I've focused myself in doing good in academics, I slowly forgot the duties at home. I often complained out of frustration, out of lost time management, out of desperation to use most of the hours I have to study or read or review. And I know, it frustrates my mother as well having to carry the load at home all by herself. With me, rarely going home, and even if I go home, I am like a transient resident who comes and goes.

It pains me that I am like this. No matter how I try to be a good person, I know I am not genuinely THAT good as other people see me. I feel like there is a wall hiding the real me, and only my family knows the worse side of me. Even my brother tells me about my worst "attitude", my temper. Sometimes, I don't want to bond with them, feeling less of myself, feeling unworthy to be looked up to with younger generation within the church community when I am actually NOT of a real good example.

I've wanted to be the "perfect daughter". but since time can tell, I already failed in that category. Even the status of not-so-perfect daughter is unreachable, I feel like I should be swapped with a better person to fit in the family like a glove.

 I am such an insecure woman I know. Even age can't prove a person's maturity.
I just hope I'd find my comfort in who I am and really work harder to be better.
I may not be the perfect daughter, but I just hope they see that deep inside is the daughter who loves them dearly, and who just thinks of her family all the time.
Even if actions don't speak that much, even if I don't get appreciated for the efforts, I just hope I'd be someone my family will be proud of someday.

THIN LINE: Friendship and beyond

I've always treasured the essence of friendship.

But through the years passed, I've had my share of ups and downs, friends have come and gone, and there I was, finding myself, wondering what I did wrong.

I always see myself as emotionally attached. Probably, over-bearing when it comes to treating the people I care for. I get the sentimentality that it's always a one-sided relationship, I care, they don't. End of discussion.

And through the passing times, I learnt to put up this wall that I dare not let anyone really penetrate in.

Yes, on the outside, I seemed to be approachable, outgoing, hyper, but actually, all those people I interacted with, I never really "opened up" to them. It's like a mirage of different faces, walking past by me. When before  I was keen on pleasing everybody just to keep those friends around, I decided to turn the tables and cared less. The over-all process resulted to loneliness and regret. Those college friends were part of my life, yet, I was never one to really connect with them. It's all superficial smiles and cheerful chitchats, but I know deep down, there was never a solid foundation.

True enough, I never had a group of friends I can really call on to after I graduated. No regular text or invitation to dine out or just simply bond. Maybe it's a lazy aspect on my part not to take an effort, or maybe a fear in me that stopped me from trying again.

But, God has been so good to me, giving me another opportunity to find my confidence and open my heart once again. Through Med school, I've gained new friends, but because of certain circumstances, I didn't manage to really have that tight connection. Tension arose and friendships were tested.

Yet, God, lovingly guided me into the fold of my real family, the youth in the district. I have been testing the worldly waters for so long, I fail to realize the genuine people who have surrounded me from the start. Through these special people, slowly the walls have crumbled down and I let them in. Through them, I managed to climb back up again and reach out to people I interact with in Medicine school. 

And now, there's this one special person who I treasure very much.

Because of that, I decided to build a wall again... not the same wall I've built for the past years.

It's a wall to detach myself from "falling for him"...

There's always a thin line between friendship and beyond. Yet, when you look at it closely and weigh what is more important, you'd rather let go of one to treasure the other one. You can never hold onto both, because one mistake, you might lose one of them.

I am afraid to lose him, yes.

Just like how I am afraid to lose those special friends who have become major pieces of the puzzle that complete who I am.

Despite my over-bearing, insecure and emotionally attached self, they never left and cared more.

With that, my life is more beautiful as it was before.

More challenging, I may say, because tests and challenges are always part of growing up and nurturing a genuine friendship.

Yet, I am truly grateful God has given me this chance to know them, to be friends with them, to love them.

And no matter how crazy my world is, how tempting to walk past that thin line...

the mere fact that they matter so much more to me leave me to thinking..

Is it worth the risk of losing them just to satisfy my personal desires?

I have to say NO, because friendship for me, at this very special moment, matters more than my bottled feelings of love.

It can wait.

As God has patiently woven me to have the kind of life and friendship I'm enjoying right now.

LOVE can wait...

Big Choice

One should be aware of the possibilities his or her choice will result into.

Every action has its own consequence.

Every decision has an effect, not only on the person who chooses, but on other people as well.

Most of the time, we take for granted this "freedom of will" that the Lord has given us. We tend to manipulate it and take control. Having this gift does not mean we can do everything we wanted to. Respect, temperance, love... the list goes on, accounting for all the values essential in a person. If love is absent, so is respect, and so is self-control. Once we don't possess such qualities, we go berserk, going beyond the thin line between right and wrong. The sad part is, when we fall steeply down because of the repercussions of our actions, we push all the blame to God. We accused Him for not protecting us, for not warning us, for not helping us. Yet we fail to realize that along the way, He has been calling us to walk back to the right path, to follow His Word, but we turned a blind eye and strolled away from His outreached hands.

I always tend to overanalyze things that happen.

And at the same time, I always got swept away by emotions, that all rational thoughts are flooded with tempered outbursts which I will regret later on. It's always a struggle to keep my heart and mind in order, lest I lose sight of what's important. It's a balance between emotions and thoughts. Too much brain will discard empathy, and too much feelings will block rationale. When one lever in the seesaw is too high up, the other will be dragged down on the ground. When one's too emotionally attached, he or she cannot see beyond, will be in constant denial of the wrong that is obviously right before his eye. And when the person thinks too much, he fails to understand his heart and unconsciously push the person who really cares away.

Making decision is never easy.

The weight of responsibility for every decision made is never a light burden.

Yet, acting on it with integrity and humility, after seeking the Lord's guidance, makes the difference.

It takes out too much self-reliance and focuses more on person's dependence on God.

Life has many options.

Tricky, I may say, it's like being in the middle of crossroads, with many lanes to choose from.

Where will this road take me to?

Will it be a different matter if I take the other one?

Life is toss and turn, like the water in the river. When you're tossed to one side, you may think this is what you want to do. Then when you're tossed on the opposite side, you will start thinking that this is what you should do.

The Bible reminds us, that "in a man, he is the one who has many plans in his heart, but it is the Lord who will direct his path."

Despite knowing what you want to do, it's still a different matter if that is the path you should take. That's why consistent communion with the Lord provides the answers to your silent prayers. The Lord alone knows of our desires, of our plans and aspirations. And He knows the best for everyone.

Fear Factor

People tend to think that being brave is the state of not being fearful.

But actually it is the other way around.

It is the state of actually acknowledging your fear, but instead of walking away from it, around it, or not doing anything at all... you FACE your fear and strive to overcome it.

That is bravery.

That is the real essence of courage.

In life, when you don't work to battle out the things that scare you, you will never be able to climb over the walls of challenges that we encounter each day. You'll remain stagnant, unproductive... and more likely a failure. No one's perfectly successful with a load of failures in his resume. Failures are part of life. They're basically there... but they don't exist just to make our living crazy than a rollercoaster ride. They exist to TEST us, to MOLD us to become better, to TEACH us things we seem to not understand... they exist to PREPARE us for more challenges up ahead in the course of our life.

At this point in my life, in my 24 years of existence, I can say I've been to many difficulties. Yes, it may not be as hellish as other people who've been to the deepest pit of disappointments, but I have my fair share of troubles and downfalls. Ever since life began for me, I have been an insecure girl. I always hide behind my parents' back, afraid to face the people and be friends with them. I tend to shy away from opportunities, from activities that could gain me friends. I was coined as "mataray", "suplada"... you get what I mean.

I had this thick shell around me, built a wall between me and the people, just because I was too afraid to trust them and let them into my life.

Where did my insecurity lies?

You maybe have read my previous blogs related to this issue... so you'll probably have an idea already.

Yes, I was born with an inborn hand.

Not your regular right hand, so growing up, people looked at me bit differently.

I was not pretty, as far as I can say.

I emerged during puberty as an ugly duckling... face decorated with eyebags and pimples.

I was chubby, short...

In short, I don't see myself as appealing to others... that it provoked me to hide my hand, feel lowly about myself.

I was consumed with fear that no person will accept me for who I am except my family.

Yes, I gained friends but still I am somewhat doubtful.

But looking back at those years I wallowed in the pit of insecurity, I felt sorry about myself, but at the same time, grateful.

Through that, I was able to see myself and reflect.

Slowly but surely, I learnt to shed off the shell, to bring down the wall and open up myself wholeheartedly to people. I gained my confidence and became president of our district youth council. My natural "malambing" nature came through and it gained me friends. Real friends who accepted me for who I am, beyond my insecurities and weirdness.

And through them, I slowly find myself and realized who I am and what I can offer... what I can do if I just let go of my insecurities.

Who would have thought that after all these years, two person will actually see me as 19 years old?

I've never could imagined I would hear such compliments from 2 guys who I just met...

It's not that I am bragging about it, I'm honestly flattered at the same time surprised.

It is such a difference when positive energy overflows from you.. when you let optimism rule over your insecurity. I am more comfortable with myself.. even there are still times I hide my hand and feel like I'm no way pretty like my friends.

But once in a while, I look at my own reflection in the mirror and understand my worth.

I am a child of God, His daughter... why would I think lowly of myself?

He has created me in His own image, why would I tamper it and think negative of His creation?

I am blessed that I am who I am today.

I am so grateful that He has helped me find my inner confidence and channel it through ways that I can also inspire.

Who would have thought that once upon a time, you will never see me standing alone in a crowd, mingling and smiling, as if I've already known them for so long?

But now... it's like my inclination for personal interaction comes out naturally.. that close friends have seen me as more mature and more approachable.

'Tis such an awesome experience to see how much growth I've accomplished and how many friends I've gained who have become attached to me.

Life is never easy.

And being brave is not easy as well.

Yet it takes an effort to try...takes one decision to surrender all to Him and let Him guide you through and overcome your fears.

Before I am an insecure girl... 

but now..

I am a secure young woman, bursting forth with happiness and good vibes, assured that I should not fear life when God is walking by my side.~

Slowly Falling.... Guided by God's Gentle Hands

Even if you want to stay friends, sometimes, you get overwhelmed and began falling for that person.

And FAST.

It's really so hard to leave a statement when you can never be sure of what will happen next in the days to come. When you thought you could never like that person, you'd end up thinking about him before you succumb to sleep. When you thought you will never like his personality, you'd end up appreciating every little detail of his likes and dislikes, to the extend of realizing you have similarities in the long run.

When you think you'd just be happy being friends with him, you'd crave for more... and more, until you'd never be so contented to have him look at you "just as a friend".

I am grateful that earlier this year, I was able to find my stable self, not as a hundred percent perfectly built, but this year, I've found a fresh new aura around me, in me, with me. I began anew with God, I dished off my principle of finding happiness through a man and vowed not to let a man rule over my heart and mind.

I learnt a valuable lesson of finding happiness and confidence first before even letting myself fall completely for a man.

And God is indeed a wonderful Father, for He guided me, His daughter to find a man, in a slow crucial step-by-step process. Indeed, when comparing to my last entry, I felt relieved that I haven't lost my focus nor my control. I didn't let selfish desires lead me to make rash decisions I will regret in the later years. I'm grateful I have friends who have been a supportive pillar, who helped me continually connect to that confidence I've gained for the past months... and I'm happy that God has been guiding me through and through.

Truly, prayers are miraculous answers to your silent inquiries and desires.

God works in mysterious ways, yet He enlightened you with answers as long as you're willing to understand and abide by His will.

It's not about what you want, but what God wants the best for you.

And I willingly surrendered my heart to God's gentle, reassuring hands, letting Him guide me to that man, if He intends to....

That man...

I already see him as the man for me, yet I can't yet be sure if I am completely in love with him.

I still want to stay humbly as his friend, gaining his trust and finding his companion a treasure I've never regret I've come to enjoy.

I am so happy he finally opened up to me, unlike those previous random conversations which mostly comprise of food, food... and yes, food.

Funny, but still I enjoyed those comical talks we had... but this past weekend, he finally told me more than FOOD... and in person.

Imagine the happiness and gratitude that swelled in my heart... yes, I am indeed happy.

It's true and I can say with confidence... though the past months have been slowly progressive... every second has been worth the wait.

And whatever God has plan for the next year to come, I'd be patiently waiting... as I've done for the past months.

Yes, I am slowly falling for him more and more.... but what's so good about it, I'm not alone... I've been gently guided by God's hands. <3 font="font">

AMEN! :)